DEATH BY LIGHTNING

there are certain things that i dont like. i hate spiders, for example. i also hate mosquitoes with a passion (what a waste of a creation). i dont really like flies either, but mostly because they annoy me. im not fond of heights if i dont have something to hold on to or strap me to (ya know, like a zipline or something). otherwise im ok.

my mother hates spiders too. but she really really hates spiders. she has gotten better about it over the years, but she was phobic for most of her life. it was so bad that she actually had my dad come home from a shift at the emergency room to kill a spider when they were newly weds. ya, that's right--the emergency room! luckily, my dad was only a med student at the time so it wasnt as big a deal, but come on...i had to learn how to kill insects for my mother at a young age. i dont know what she will do when my little brothers move out.

i wouldnt say that i have a phobia of any of those things i listed. i just dont really like them. but i have met some people recently who do have phobias. and i think their fears are rather unusual.

the first is a girl who is afraid of birds. yup. birds. she explained that when she was much younger she was forced to watch alfred hitchcock's "the bird's." she was terrified. years later she tried watching it again in an attempt to overcome her fear. even though she kept telling herself it wasnt real and it was just an old scary movie, it still creeped her out. she says it is mostly crows that scare her (from the movie) but pretty much any bird makes her uneasy.

the other girl i recently met is deathly afraid of lightning. seriously. we went to a fireworks show recently in a small middle-of-nowhere town and there was a lightning storm going on at the same time. she started have panic attacks--muscles tensing up, increased breathing rate/hyperventilation. not fun for her. it was so bad that on the way back to the car (about 1/4 mile away from the show) she closed her eyes, put on sunglasses and held on to my arm and told me not to run her into a pole. i was tempted...actually, even i know that is really mean. you dont mess with people when they are genuinely afraid of something. her story was that when she was little a family friend was actually hit and killed by lightning. ever since she heard that, she has had panic attacks whenever she even hears thunder.

"SHOOT ME AGAIN--I AIN'T DEAD YET!"

how do i put this delicately? some people take themselves too damn seriously. they set their personal standard really high for everything they do and when they fail (which is inevitable because they have unrealistic expectations of what they are capable of) they beat the crap out of themselves emotionally and in some cases physically. i know this all too well. last night i had a flashback of my more vigorous/stupid/perfectionistic/younger self.

you see, when i was younger i was extremely competitive. i had ridiculous goals set for myself. i was a wrestler. when i lost a match i beat myself up mentally because i knew, i just knew i could have beaten that guy. if i had just done this one thing differently...and then i would get home from the match and, without even changing out of my gear, i would go for a 3 mile run. i would run so fast that i would literally collapse when i got home. and then i would lay in the backyard until i had enough strength to stand and continue to replay the match in my mind until i had found a way to beat that guy. this could take over an hour. needless to say, i was not a pleasant person to be around at these times.

this was only one aspect of my life. it carried over into everything i did. at least anything that i thought i was good at. everything else was just stupid anyway...right?

a couple of years ago i realized that this is a very impractical, pathetic, stupid and downright miserable way to live one's life. i still enjoy a good competition, but not because i like to win. i enjoy peak performance--people at their best. so i have developed an alternative to over-the-top aggression: simply match your opponent. that's it really. play at their level and that way no one gets hurt.

in my apartment complex we have a swimming pool game called powerball. it is vicious, aggressive, brutal, no-holds barred and lots of fun. pure adrenaline rush for the entire duration. the general idea is that you have two teams, one ball, one goal. each team is trying to get the ball into the goal at all cost. there are a few rules: no drowning (intentionally), no biting/kicking/scratching etc. and when the ball goes out of the pool, the other team gets the ball. very simple. (sigh) yet it is never that simple. at least when people get carried away.

last night we played powerball. i have played the game several times and i knew the capabilities of most of the other players. i picked my main target for the game on the other team--a guy who is very strong and very scrappy. and very much like my more vigorous/stupid/perfectionistic/younger self...we'll call him "bob."

i tied bob up. i kept him out of the game for most plays. it is strategy. bob is one of their best players, so it was to our advantage to keep him away from the ball. especially since he doesnt know when or how to let up--even when girls are playing (no offense, but there are very few girls who can compete with the brute strength of guys like this). well, bob didnt like it.

one of the advantages i have in a game like powerball is my wrestling background. i know how to keep someone preoccupied (mostly because they dont know how to get out of moves) while still keeping myself open for plays and such. i can grab and release very quickly. that's all i was doing to bob. i would grab him, hold him in place and wait to release. bob thought i was out to get him. so he spent all of his energy trying to get away from me. so i kept doing it. over and over and over until he snapped.

he was near the goal and the ball was right in front of him. i grabbed him from behind. i had his left arm with my left hand and i had my right arm wrapped in front of his neck latched onto his left shoulder (pretty basic wrestling move, actually, and the only way it could possibly hurt is if the person leans forward. believe me, i know how to choke someone, and to choke someone like bob requires both hands. this was one handed. infact, there is a very simple way to get out of that move--lean back and spin). after someone scored, he screams "you cant grab my neck!" and pushes me away (i also know what it's like to suffocate or be choked to the point of passing out. he had no trouble breathing or yelling for that matter). frustrated, he got out of the pool only minutes later.

here we have a classic example of someone taking themselves too damn seriously. he is like this in everything he does. i have played football with him too. when ever he misses a pass or gets deflected or something like that he yells at himself and does this "half pissed off bull, half pouting toddler" walk and glares at the ground. "come on, bob! what where you thinking?!?! that sucked!!" pathetic.

i guess what im really trying to say is that if you are going to go all out in a sport and be as intense and aggressive as you possibly can, dont puss out when someone else does the same thing just cuz you cant keep up with him. there, i said it.

I HATE STUPID PEOPLE

earlier today while i was at work i found the university newspaper on the ground. on the front page was an article about a five year old girl from sandy, utah who was missing for eight days. the police recently found the little girl's body in the basement of a neighbor. i cant even begin to tell how much this story disturbs me; especially since i have a very sweet five year old niece. i honestly dont know how i would react if someone did anything like that to her. i would probably kill them. but that isnt the point of this post.

what really pisses me off is how the family and friends reacted. i understand that they are upset and nothing will console them for some time. i dont blame them for that. it bothers me how they lashed out at the police who searched for the body for eight days, managed to get search warrants for near by homes only on the basis that they were near by, found the girl's body and the offender in record time. their complaint: they didnt find the body fast enough. are you freaking kidding me?!?

honestly, they are lucky to have even found the body at all. most little girls who are abducted are NEVER found again. that's why we have childrens' pictures on milk cartons and on flyers in the mail. the fact that they found her so close to the point of abduction is amazing in its own right as well. so dont bash the men and women who have sworn to put their lives on the line to protect you and your families. i hate stupid people.

"They did not do their jobs," "It's less than 150 feet behind their house, how could you miss something like that," one woman screamed at [police chief] Burbank.
http://cbs4boston.com/topstories/topstories_story_207090314.html


in related news: anti-gay/anti-usa/anti-dead-soldier religious organizations. i dont know how to describe these idiots, so just follow the links and laugh it up.

http://www.break.com/index/hannityloon.html
http://www.break.com/index/crazyfox20.html
http://www.break.com/index/confronting_fred_phelps_jr.html

DOUBLE HAWK

this is one of my favorite comedians: demetri martin. i decided that i would just do a post of some of his jokes (as best as i can remember them) so that he can also be one of your favorite comedians.



"my plumbing is all screwed up, because, as it turns out, i do not own a garbage disposal."



"i noticed that there are no 'B' batteries. i think this is to avoid confusion. cuz if there were, you wouldnt know when someone was studdering. 'yes, i would like some b-batteries.' 'what kind?' 'b-batteries.' 'what kind?' 'B-BATTERIES.' and 'D' batteries, those are hard for foreigners. 'yes, i would like dhe batteries."



"my friend has a studder. some people dont like it. i dont mind it so much. to me, its like starting certain words with a drum roll. that's not an impedement--that's suspence. 'what's he gonna say? car? or carborator?' 'carnival?!?! man...."



"to make a mythical creature all you need to do is take a regular animal and add wings to it. (displays drawing of lion and horse) a lion becomes a griffin. a horse becomes a pegasus. and a hawk becomes...(flips page) a double hawk! (picture of four-winged hawk. caption: 'i'm awkward')"



"i dig fabrics, ya know. one of my favorite clothing patterns is camo. because when you are in the woods it helps you blend in. but when youre anywhere else it does just the opposite. it's like, 'hey, there's an a-- hole.' (picture of large buildings with tiny stick-figure in between, arrow pointing to it, says 'a-- hole') but when you are in the woods youre like 'is there an a-- hole out here?' ...they look like trees."



"'sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. 'sort of,' it doesnt really mean anything. it's just a filler. but after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. like after, 'i love you.' and 'youre going to live.'

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

lets start from the beginning. tuesday morning at 3am i am awakened by the sound of rain...from inside my apartment. i wearily lift my head from my pillow just enough to see a steady stream of water pouring from the light fixture just outside my bedroom door, thus creating a large puddle of water in the hallway. being half asleep, i watch one of my roommates get up and walk outside (apparently he was also half asleep and thought it was raining. i guess he didnt notice the waterfall as he walked through it). then the fire alarm went off.

well, the alarm only went off for a few minutes. this is because the water found its way through the alarm's ceiling mounts. the water got into the alarm and after a couple minutes of having the pitch change to something more like a siren i was finally awake. i tried to take the battery out, but still being a little groggy and having the mystery water pouring all over me i gave up. so i decide to investigate the source of the water and i went upstairs to the top floor of our building. obviously, they are all asleep. so i pound on the door and ring the bell and pound on the door again. finally, one of the guys opens the door. i say: "do you guys have a leak up here or something." and he says: "i think i just stepped in it..." one step closer.

i follow him through the apartment the bathroom door where the floor has about one inch of water and it is flowing into their living room (directly over our light fixture). and the source? you guessed it. the toilet! i have never seen a toilet flood like this one. it looked like a freakin' garden fountain. it was going too fast for the safety switch to release and auto-flush! well, the guy i followed in ( i forget his named--they just moved in) goes over to the toilet and looks at it. just...ya know...looks at it. i guess he, like everyone else, was still asleep. so i peer into the bathroom and say "flip the valve behind the toilet." he looks at me blankly and says "huh?" "behind the toilet there is a valve, turn it."

at this point one of his roommates comes out with a similar blank look on his face. i quickly explain that the toilet is leaking. and he says, "dude, turn off the valve." finally it registers and he turns the valve and shuts off the water. i go back down stairs, leaving the two half-awake neighbors to figure out what to do next by themselves. my guess is they stared at it for a few more minutes and went back to bed. time to see how my roommates were handling the situation.

i get down to my apartment to find buckets and tubs catching the water (which has started to seep its way into the bedrooms). i also noticed the alarm was ripped out of the ceiling. i explained what had happened upstairs to my roommates and we went to bed. the water trickled to a stop at about 4am.

by morning the buckets had collected about 15 gallons of brownish yellow water... we have determined that it actually is NOT urine, but rather it is particles of wood picked up from the floor boards and such on its way down (we determined this mostly by the fact that A. the water coming out of the toilet was clear, and B. that would have been WAY too much urine to come from a single person, or single apartment for that matter in order to make that much water turn brown). if there was any urine actually in the water collection it would have been very diluted.

so, when i get back from work my roommate tells me that the carpet cleaners came and ripped up our carpet and put a bunch of fans all over to dry up the mess and sprayed the carpet with some toxic chemicals (he actually read it on the bottles they used) to kill any mold.

neighbor's toilet overflowing into your bedroom: $2 (over two hours of water flow which they will have to pay for in the utilities bill).apartment management paid carpet cleaners: N/A ($50?)apartment management reimbursement to residents who got screwed over: $1.50 (three slices of pizza and a glass of cheap rootbeer per resident).pouring 15 gallon tub-o-pee-pee outside the manager's office: priceless.

(i found out later that the cause was that one of their roommates used the bathroom at about 12:30-1am and pushed the flush valve too hard, causing the chain inside the tank to tangle and let the water flow for over 2 and a half hours)

EXPLANATION:

i actually have another blog on yahoo 360. but there were a few formatting issues i had with it (namely that you could only post one picture per entry). so i went looking for other blog sites and found this one. i transfered my better blog entries from that site and posted them (slightly edited, mostly more pics =). but this one has slightly different formatting issues. but i will keep this one a little while longer to see if i like it enough to make a full switch.

PORTAL TO HELL...AND ALL THAT JAZZ!

so at 6-ish am today my roommate wakes me up while he is getting ready for work (accidentally). i roll over and go back to sleep. this is more or less the dream i had:

i am with this random girl i just met and we are on a date (uncharacteristic, i know). we go to outback steakhouse. good food, i have only been there once in real life tho. after we are seated, i go back into the kitchen and walk straight to the cook and start talking (also very uncharacteristic). i say something like:

me: "hey, how's it going?"
cook: "great!"
me: "steaks are looking good, blah blah blah. blah blah. blah blah blah bleh!"
cook: "totally"
me: "i wish i knew all of the different cuts of meat. they should have like a chart or something that i can carry around. it would be really handy."
cook: "i know. i wish i knew the different cuts. like this one time i made this for queen so-and-so" (shows me huge chunk of toffee colored meat)
me: "cool"
cook: "and i made this for so-and-so" (shows me same chunk of meat, but a darker color)

then i leave him and go help my date onto a plane, which i end up boarding as well. we have these huge pole-like bags for our carry-ons and wander around the airplane (which is just a continuation of outback, and is the size of a community center). most of the other people are doing the same. just wandering around the airplane. very few seats to speak of actually.

as we walk through a tunnel in the middle of the plane, we pass two people who are about to run into each other. they do. then all hell breaks loose...literally.

one of the guys charges the other in sort of a football lineman fashion and rams him into me. i turn around and, in an attempt to break them up, push them back (not sure how that would have broken up the fight, but that really was my intent). then i see that the guy facing me has a plastic head. not like a mask. his head is actaully plastic, and very small, and very angry. he gnashes his teeth and growls at me and gets down on all fours and charges the other guy again. this time the other guy has a two-sided battle axe in his right hand and swings the axe into the demon dude's face. demon-dude growls again and gnashes teeth like before and charges again. this time the axe-man hits demon-dude in the side of the neck several times. then demon-dude's mangled head flops to the ground his body runs off.

i woke up and ate marshmallow mateys.

HOLY AWKWARD MOMENT, BATMAN

so, i spent most of last saturday afternoon at "lavender fest" (i was coersed by female company) in mona, utah (of all bloody places). afterwards, my hang out group and i sat out side of the "big red barn with homemade ice cream inside," eating the said homemade ice cream...outside. as i sat there eating my toffee cruch in a waffle cone, jessica said to me that i am emotionless and cold hearted. she was joking, but it isnt the first time i have been accused of such things.

i cant say that it surprised me. in fact, i usually welcome such comments as they only add to my manliness. and this time was no different. i was wearing my "stewart, colbert '08" campaign shirt and my "bisco industrial supply" hat (with camo on the inside). i was oozing masculinity.

but it did remind of the one time i actually did try to open up a little bit to a girl (sorry guys--your day will come...eh, who am i kidding? i dont wanna open up to you any more than you want to open up to me.) in my defense, it happened on a long drive back from montana with erin. weird things happen on long road trips. like opening up.

i dont really have anything against opening up to people (besides that it is usually none of their business). i suppose if you feel better about yourself or have some kind of closure it can be a truly enriching and beneficial experience. this wasnt the case with erin. you see, it started with a comment she made. or i made. i dont remember exactly. it ended up with me saying that my dad was really busy when i was a kid and i never did anything with him. then i added, "i guess that explains part of the way i am." there it is. against my better judgment, i opened up to erin january something-er-other 2006; completely making myself vulnerable to comments and insight. then she said, "haha, i bet that's why you are the way you are!" she missed it! she completely missed it! i brushed it off and said, "eh, could be." then she quickly looked at the road, as if she had forgotten she was driving.

that'll teach me. what was i thinking anyway? i am perfectly happy with my vaulted insecurities. they keep me company on lonely nights...

REVELATION.

have you ever been so bored at, say work for example, that you stared at a pen for half an hour? and yet, you still werent bored enough that you would actally go looking for work to do? eh, me neither....

its not to say that i dont actually have stuff to do, it just doesnt need to be done any time soon. we have a few things that we have to do every day, and those things are usually done by lunch time. everything else, well, we'll try and get it done by august.

so with the "free time" we sometimes occupy ourselves in ways that certain bosses dont like. its not that they think we are wasting time, or that we are "stealing" from our employer by not staying busy at all times. no, nothing valid like that. in fact, they do it too. it's a power struggle.
in fact, that is exactly how i got the coveted byu beard card--my boss is a prick. eh, maybe that's too strong. he's a stickler for rules, especially ones that he figures no one would ever argue with him about. so i did.

you see, i dont like shaving. at least not everyday. i prefer a little bit of stubble over the inevitable razor burn that comes after a few consecutive days of shaving. he, however, sees it as a sign of blatant disregard for rules and authority. i cant say that i like either of those, but i honestly didnt think it was that big of a deal.

sure, byu has this whole honor code thing that prohibits the growth of facial hair. but i really really really dont like bleeding all over my neck and breaking out all the time. so he tells me one day that i need to start shaving everyday, because i represent the university and the church and the transformers and the thundercats...er, not the last two. and of course i explain why i am clearly the exception to the rule. but he doesnt believe me.

so some time passes and i havent listened to him. so he sends in his minion to talk to me. "he that should not be named says you are not cheery enough at work and that you need to shave everyday or get a beard card" ...are you serious? oh happy day. i think i'll say that again. oh happy day. i had never considered actually getting a beard card. isnt it against the honor code to even try to legitamately do something against the honor code? im pretty sure i read it somewhere, in a book or something ("are you sure it was a book. are you sure it wasnt just...nothing?" "oh ya, thats what it was.") and to think it was my boss's idea! what a hoot.
i havent shaved since february.

(this is a tribute to my boss that doesnt suck)

KAT.

i have never fancied myself as a great writer. at best i would say that i sometimes have something moderately interesting to say, but i usually say it in a less than interesting way. but since i have started this blog do-hicky i have started to think that i might actually be an interesting person to other people. that is until i found the blog of an old friend--Kat.
i have known kat for a few years now and i have always liked hanging out with her and thought she was funny. but i had no idea just how funny she really was until last week when i stumbled upon her blog. quite frankly, she puts me to shame. so, here it is.
http://www.kylily.blogspot.com/
(be sure to check out the "emotikats" and also "choose your own Katventure")

WHERE DO LIARS GO...?

why have we as a culture started to coin the phrase "big is beautiful?" i know we live in america and everyone is equal and being more politically correct than the next man somehow makes you a better person and yada yada yada--but lets not say things we cant take back. and then we give examples like queen latifa (self-proclaimed) and that one black chick on that america's next top model show. why, why, why?

ok, we decided that saying "looking like twiggy is beautiful" destroys the morale of young women everywhere, makes them bulemic and so on. fine, i dont have a problem with that. actually, i dont really like girls that look like a fishing rod anyway. having a striking resemblence with a broadway show prop isnt a good thing. but why go to the other extreme and say that looking like a sea world prop is wonderful? besides, obesity is not an ethnic thing; it is a lifestyle choice like smoking or homosexuality. we have started to lay off the gay jokes, but we still look down on smokers and no one is bothered by that hypocrisy. so why are we so senitive about it? it IS actually something that you have control over; so, control it. if you must choose a lifestyle to promote wouldnt it be better to preach a middle road rather than invent plus-size models to make people feel less depressed? how about, "moderation in all things." or maybe something healthy like "eat enough food for your caloric expenditure--no more, no less."

have you ever seen an athletic woman? you know, the ones that are actually healthy? they dont look like kiera knightly and they certainly dont look like queen latifa. but they certainly DO look good. so dont try to make the fat kids feel like their lifestyle is acceptable just so you dont hurt their feelings--because gluttony is not ok. it builds a false sense of reality. tell people to eat right and be physically active on occasion. they will feel better, look better and you wont go to hell for lying...jokey jokey.









in a related topic: immodest clothing. regardless of what someone's view is on the subject of the appropriateness of revealing clothing, i think everyone can agree on one simple thing--some people look better than others in revealing clothing. so much so, in fact, that it is safe to say that some people might even look bad in such clothing...even grotesque. usually, those people are fat. i dont have anything against fat people as a race...er group of people. in fact, some of the all-around best people i have ever associated with have been obese. now, i tend to follow the view that revealing clothing is to be avoided. call it upbringing or edicate, whatever. but i know that everyone has a right to wear whatever they want within certain legal bounds. here is a place for such a legal bound. i cant listen to my heavy metal music at 2am because it disturbs the those around me. so why should i have to lose my lunch every time i see a scantily clad fat chick. put some clothes on! tiny clothes were not made for you!