DOUBLE HAWK

this is one of my favorite comedians: demetri martin. i decided that i would just do a post of some of his jokes (as best as i can remember them) so that he can also be one of your favorite comedians.



"my plumbing is all screwed up, because, as it turns out, i do not own a garbage disposal."



"i noticed that there are no 'B' batteries. i think this is to avoid confusion. cuz if there were, you wouldnt know when someone was studdering. 'yes, i would like some b-batteries.' 'what kind?' 'b-batteries.' 'what kind?' 'B-BATTERIES.' and 'D' batteries, those are hard for foreigners. 'yes, i would like dhe batteries."



"my friend has a studder. some people dont like it. i dont mind it so much. to me, its like starting certain words with a drum roll. that's not an impedement--that's suspence. 'what's he gonna say? car? or carborator?' 'carnival?!?! man...."



"to make a mythical creature all you need to do is take a regular animal and add wings to it. (displays drawing of lion and horse) a lion becomes a griffin. a horse becomes a pegasus. and a hawk becomes...(flips page) a double hawk! (picture of four-winged hawk. caption: 'i'm awkward')"



"i dig fabrics, ya know. one of my favorite clothing patterns is camo. because when you are in the woods it helps you blend in. but when youre anywhere else it does just the opposite. it's like, 'hey, there's an a-- hole.' (picture of large buildings with tiny stick-figure in between, arrow pointing to it, says 'a-- hole') but when you are in the woods youre like 'is there an a-- hole out here?' ...they look like trees."



"'sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. 'sort of,' it doesnt really mean anything. it's just a filler. but after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. like after, 'i love you.' and 'youre going to live.'