IT'S THAT TIME... AGAIN

everyone has holiday traditions. even if they deliberately choose to not follow them. many, if not most, holiday traditions annoy me. not because i think they are stupid, pointless and a waste of perfectly good money. but because they have a tendency to get in my way. if all i want to do is buy a new flash drive from best buy, why should i be stuck in a line for 30 minutes waiting for all the rich people to buy their new laptops and psp's for their pristinely spoiled children? frankly, i have better things to do. like defend the universe from suicidal/exploding mindless aliens, while simultaneously catching up on the latest episode of 30 rock/the office/it's always sunny in philidelphia/house on hulu.com (dual monitors ftw).

but even i have some yearly traditions (like clipping my toenails and taking a nap). one of my personal favorites is looking up the new despair.com calendar. here are some of the new ones which really tickle my pickle.

COMMERCIAL

commercial announcer guy:
"when you were 10 you wanted to be a fire man.
when you were 17 you were captain of the football team.
when you were 25 you married your high school sweet heart.
so when did you become a sex predator?"

i literally laughed out loud.

DROOL

now that i no longer work 60 hours a week i can waste even more time looking up stuff like this.

DEFLECTION

in an effort to completely avoid what i have been up to lately (i decided to take thumper's advice), i am posting a picture that i have been working on in photoshop for a couple of weeks.

first is the original picture from the chronicles of riddick.














to start i traced the picture by hand (er, mouse).















next i filled in the picture with new colors.















i then used a couple different tools to add shading. this is only partly finished.

and now the finished product.

EM-TEE-SEE-TOE

wednesday is greenie day at the mtc. tens of dozens of fresh missionaries (new phrases make me look smart) line up to cordially accept their highly personalized dork dot to make their assignment official. some laugh. some cry. some just blindly follow the crowd into the assembly hall where a church offical will reassure everyone present that giving up 2 years of their lives for the church is the least they could do.

i enjoy driving past the mtc at around noon on wednesdays. that is when traffic is the worst because of all the parents walking their children to the door. normally, i dont like traffic. it gets in my way. but i like seeing the herd of people looking forward to cramming themselves into a small space for the next 2 months before they are shipped out.

now, some of you may think my interest is from a desire to reminisce in the good ol' days of a simpler time when all you were required to do was study and eat. but you would be mistaken. although i did actually enjoy my mtc experience, my motives for driving past the mtc on wednesdays at noon are more narcissistic... nay, more sinister than they may appear.

i like to think that as i pull up to red light on the corner of the mtc entrace with the tens of dozens of families taking pictures of their "all grown up" babies for the last time for two years, that my mustang, with windows down and led zepplin blasting, can serve as a reminder for some of them of all the worldly possessions they had to give up... right before they recieve their dork dot and make it official.

in related news, my little brother is going to el salvador.

ABOUT TIME

i figure it is about time i posted some pics of my car. i gave her a bath today, so she's extra sparkly.

NO EXPLANATION NECESSARY

NOVELLA > NOVELETTE

just a couple of things about my book. i made some concept art for the cover.

also, i decided to use blogger as my main form of writing and editing the story. everything i have written has been posted, including rough drafts and partially finished chapters, which i will be updating as i add stuff. you can find it here.

ROUGH DRAFT

i recently started writing. ya know, actually writing like a story or something. kinda like a book i guess. i had wanted to wait a little bit longer til i had more finished, but i would like some feedback now. it is still just a rough draft but i think it is enough for people to get the (general) idea. so far i have no title for it but i kinda like "primal lucidity." this is the introduction; let me know what you think.

1

The sky was clear and dark as Charlie opened his eyes. He had been unconscious for hours and it took him a few seconds to focus his eyes on the brilliant stellar display above him. As soon as he did, however, he could also see the thick leaves of the towering trees moving past him. There was only a sliver of sky visible directly above him. It was night time, though he had no idea what time it actually was, or where he was for that matter. He hadn’t noticed immediately but his ears were ringing. Softly at first, but the pitch gradually grew louder and louder, until the sound was so overpowering Charlie thought his ear drums might burst. They never did.

As the pitch started to dim, Charlie felt a dull pain on the back of his head. He tried to lift his head to relieve the pain but found that he was bound so tightly to the make shift stretcher that he could only lift it an inch or two. His head was wet with blood and he felt his hair start to tug towards their place of rest. He slowly lowered his now throbbing head back to the moist sticks bound together as tightly as he was to them. In the distance he could hear the thumping of drums. He blacked out again.

Suddenly, Charlie awoke to find himself surrounded by painted faces. Elaborate designs of the most vibrant reds and greens. All the paintings were unique. Only one thing was common among the hooting faces--their eyes. Each eye had been carefully sewn shut with black thread so thick that only 3 stitchings were required to hold them. The drums were now as deafening as the ringing in his ears had been. Panicked, Charlie screamed as he felt the dozens of hands upon him. He was still on the stretcher, only now he was tightly wrapped in a coarse blanket of some animal foreign to him. The blanket’s itch was maddening and Charlie squirmed helplessly as they carried him up a steep hill.

The hill was inclined enough for him to see the multitude of painted eye-less faces. Thousands of them had come to the festivities. Somehow, they all knew exactly where Charlie was. The top of the hill had been cleared of any brush. Centered perfectly in a stone circle was a 4-foot tall granite slab about the length and width of a man. Charlie violently turned his head left and right to better see his surroundings. His heart raced and his chest began to ache.

All at once, the drums and hooting of the thousands surrounding him stopped. A man dressed in rich orange robes approached him. He was the only person Charlie could see that was fully clothed head to foot. The man was easily the oldest person present by a good 30 years and the only one whose eyes were open, although his eye lids had puffy scars from being sewn shut years prior. His face was painted differently from the others as well. A simpler pattern of orange, yellow and white.

“Their chief,” thought Charlie.

The old man shouted something in a language that Charlie didn’t understand. The multitude responded with uproarious noises and the drums rang out in a hundred different rhythms at once. The man barked out orders to Charlie’s carriers and they quickly placed him on the stone slab which he now understood to be an altar.

“They are going to kill me!” he shouted. “Get your hands off…”

His threat was cut short as the dozens of hands reappeared and covered his face and chest. Only his eyes were left uncovered by the heavy hands. Charlie began to sob, his body lurching forward as far as the ropes would let him. The old man pushed some of the others aside and put his face about an inch from Charlie’s and stared at him intensely for about ten seconds. Charlie tried to bite the old man’s nose, but the old man was more agile than he appeared and stood upright and slapped Charlie. Not with the intent to harm him, however. It was to establish control over Charlie. But, of course, Charlie had no intention of submitting to the old man. Charlie dug deep from the back of his throat and spat on the old man’s face.

The old man simply wiped the spittle from below his wrinkled eye, smearing orange paint across his yellow cheek. He then put his hand over Charlie’s mouth, leaned down to his ear and whispered some gibberish in a low calm voice. Charlie was confused but he wasn’t about to let the man trick him into confidence by a simple whisper. Charlie bit the old man’s hand as hard as he could. The man pulled his bleeding fingers away without so much as a second glance towards Charlie.

The old man stood straight, raised his arms and with a deep booming voice sang out clean and clear over the thousands of riotous pagans. His melody was hypnotic and Charlie found himself becoming mildly sedated from the unexpected soothing tone. At once, his chest stopped thumping, the pain in his head was gone and even the noise of the multitude faded away. Amid all the chaos of his surroundings, everything seemed to be in its proper place. Even his fear began to subside and for a fraction of a second Charlie thought the old man was on his side.

The old man approached Charlie again and whispered the same gibberish as before only this time Charlie understood its meaning. “Calm, Great One.“ He did not resist. But he did not quite understand, either.

Charlie did not have much time to dwell on the old man’s words. The old man quickly backed away and the dozens of hands returned. So did Charlie’s pain, panic and fear. One of the eye-less faces hurriedly painted Charlie’s face bright blue. There was no time for an intricate pattern--solid blue would have to do. His heart began to race faster as another eye-less face ran up to the alter bearing a large insect. It was about the size of a hand and had more legs than Charlie had time to count. The bug was restless yet did not fight its master. The eye-less face shoved the insect inside Charlie’s mouth and forced it shut. Charlie thrashed about as mad as ever, sweat pouring out of his wrappings. The insect forced its way down Charlie’s throat.

Immediately, he began to feel light headed and the color of the eye-less faces began to blur. He felt the insect wriggling in his stomach, clawing at him as if it no longer approved of its host. With each scrape Charlie's eyes lost focus a little more. The eye-less faces now blurred together completely and all he could see was a mesh of bright colors swirling in patterns as intricate as the original paintings. They let go of his mouth and Charlie felt three sharp stings in each eye lid. He tried to open them in spite of the tearing pain. But the thread was too strong. The colors continued to mix on the back of his lids until all was glowing bronze.

Charlie let out a forceful scream with what was left of his might and will.

“You Bastards!”

Charlie felt a light rocking sensation and he heard a familiar voice. He couldn't make it out at first. He listened more intently now. It was his sister Nikki.

“She is just a child! If you bastards touch her…”

SLAP!

Charlie opened his eyes and saw Nikki looking frightfully at him. He was in his bed drenched in sweat. Nikki quickly withdrew to the other side of the room.

“You scared me. Who were you screaming at?” Nikki’s face was wet with tears. She had never seen Charlie like this and her 7 year old mind didn’t know how to accept it.

“No one. Don’t worry about it.” He rubbed his eyes carefully. The night terror’s were getting worse and more frequent. They were usually of the same event. The nit picky details would sometimes change: the colors on the faces, the trees, the altar, the sounds and smells. But his interaction with the old man was always the same, as was his encounter with the insect. He didn’t understand it himself and he certainly didn’t want her to be bothered by the graphic content of his dreams.

“Mom said to tell you breakfast is ready. I don’t think she heard you. I won’t tell her if you don’t want me to.”

“OK, thanks. I’ll be down in a bit. I need to shower first.”

Her trust in Charlie was something that had always been a source of comfort for him. This was especially true after their older brother’s attempted suicide. Jerry was one year older than Charlie and suffered from a variety of mental disorders which limited his abilities in school and social interactions. Between the schizophrenia and assortment of learning disorders Jerry was doing well to pass his classes and not be held back.

Outwardly, he admired Charlie’s successes in things that he could only imagine participating in. But inwardly, he had no place to hide his jealousy. Jerry had always wanted to wrestle, for example, but didn’t have the time to dedicate to the sport. He was too busy with his schedule of tutors and therapists. Charlie, on the other hand, excelled in wrestling and was poised to be the team captain next year as a junior--a feat seldom accomplished at his high school. Charlie was, at least in Jerry’s eyes, the family favorite.

ORDER OF SIGNIFICANCE

there are two things that make this picture significant. 1. i think it is the coolest picture i have ever done free-hand on my computer. 2. i was bored.















number 2 is not normally significant, but as of last week i am cranking out a solid 60 hours of work a week.

WEEKEND UPDATE

i know it's monday. but i was just too lazy to write this yesterday. besides, it is the update part that is important. so a lot has happened to me over the last few weeks. i believe i left off with me wrecking my bike. ok, lets start with that. i didnt just wreck my bike. i totalled it. the final estimate for the bike (before labor) was over $10,000. it is a little hard to see in this picture, but the entire left side is scraped up really bad.



so i was presented with a very difficult dilemma. i love my bike. it made me very happy while i had it (all 7 1/2 days). but my insurance shot up like crazy and i had to make a choice--whether i should get another bike or replace my car.



now, my bike is currently not runnable. my car is. but not for much longer. the heater doesnt work. and neither do the radio, clock, cabin lights, trunk lights or seat belts. about 3 years ago i had a bad alternator and had to replace it. so i bought one at schucks auto supply, opened the box and found the matching part on my car and swapped them out right there in the parking lot. i drove up to idaho falls that evening. the alternator works fine--but nothing else has since then. and now the car is making some funny noises. so it is probably not going to make it through the summer.



anyway, last tuesday i went to a ford dealership to look at some mustangs and after test driving one, i (gradually) accepted the fact that it was no longer economically feasible to get another bike and my car is about to explode. so i signed the papers for my brand new 2007 white mustang (yes, brand new 2007. they had a couple 07's still on the lot and they were having a blowout sale to get rid of them to make room for the upcoming 09's. and for those familiar with "i am legend," it is a white version of the car will smith drives (with a smaller engine, of course)).



so, i guess in a way i made the most reasonable decision by purchasing the most unreasonable car in my price range. but hey, it is a lot of fun to drive.



a few other side notes: a couple weeks ago i went on a blind date--with my entire family present; i had all of last week off and no one to share it with; the vegas trip was cancelled for lack of participating persons; starting today i will be working 60 hours a week... again.



hoorah!

WHY THE WORLD NEEDS SOUTHPARK

some say that the world is going to waste. they also say that today's youth are arrogant, crude know-it-alls with mixed morals. they say that the next generation is a bust and will never be up to the task of fixing the U.S. in years to come. how can a bunch of whiny emo kids (which are just like goth kids, only wimpier) get their act together and resolve the international conflicts that other generations have done such a bang up job with up to this point. racism, sexism, homophobia, gas prices, taxes, education, welfare, social security, health care and giant walls at every port and boarder are just too daunting for today's snot-nosed brats. simply put, we have raised a bunch of pussies.

kids today dont have a good system of morals because we havent told them where to find them. we used to say go to your parents, but, let's face it, we are no better than they are. children of the hippie revolution are just as messed up as any other generation. the problem is that it is a perpetual cycle of ignorance and stupidity. they have resorted to sources like mtv, comedy central, the internets and, of course, friends (blind leading the blind = dumb leading the dumber).

a couple months ago i watched a little film called "idiocracy." not the best film i've ever seen but it was still pretty funny and it made an interesting point. the basic idea is that the doctors and lawyers of our generation are either too busy to have children or they use birth control, have abortions, etc, and the only people who are having children nowadays are stupid people. so in 500 years natural selection will wipe out anyone with even half a brain and our precious democracy will be replaced with a dumbed up version called "idiocracy." sadly, this is actually a pattern you can see. of course, this theory doesnt take into account religious peoples which discourage birth control (probably for this very reason).

so how does southpark fit in to all of this? you see, people often dont realize the moral lessons hidden inside every episode of southpark. the basic formula of a southpark episode is as follows: take a controversial topic; show both sides of the topic at their absolute most extreme; explain that both sides are bad/stupid/extreme; show an alternative way, usually some sort of compromise down a middle path.

case and point: they did an episode on homosexuality and political correctness. mr garrison realizes that he can do anything he wants at school because if the school reprimands him, he can claim prejudice towards him for being gay. eventually the whole town gets sucked into this overly protective mentality and no one can stop mr garrison as he slowly turns southpark into a gay-pride orgy in the streets. everyone just lets it happen for fear of being politically incorrect. finally, the kids show the towns folk that just because some one is gay doenst mean it is politically incorrect to call them perverted or out of line if that is exactly what they are. be accepting of people's differences but if they cross the line of social appropriateness call them on it. no one is above anyone else. if we are all equal, we should all be held to the same standard. this goes for all groups, races, sexes and religions.

well, so what? the point im trying to make here is that today moral codes are hard to come by. sure southpark can be crude and push the boundaries of entertainment (how else are they supposed to get your attention while myspace and youtube are running strong), but when you look at the target audience of southpark (teenagers and young adults--america's future) and their other sources of entertainment (and ethics), it really is their best source of right and wrong.

PAIN TRAIN

about a year and a half ago i was playing football at the provo high fields. just me and some friends playing touch football on a saturday morning. it used to be a regular thing and my main source of exercise. on this particular occasion we decided to try tackle for a bit. all the girls had left and everyone was feeling extra manly. so we started tackling each other and everything was going great until peter (250 lbs) tackled his own teammate caleb (170 lbs) and put a knee in his spine. caleb sat out for the next couple plays...


minutes later my team was down field and our qb hiked the ball. i ran about 20 yards and looked back just in time to catch the ball. i broke a tackle and was in the clear to the end zone. about 20 yards away from the end zone, joe (130 lbs) comes sprinting up to me and leaps for my legs. i (200 lbs (at the time...)) tried to jump out of the way and joe managed to only clip my feet just a couple yards from the end zone. i flew through the air for about 10 feet and landed on my right shoulder and slid for another 10 feet (it was really muddy). of course, my shoulder was all screwed up and, of course, i kept playing. that night it took me about 30 minutes to get my shirt off so i could shower (yes, i spent the entire afternoon sitting in the chair-of-death trying to get up--the lever thingy is on the right side). then i took a single ibuprofen and went to bed.


the next day i found even the simplest tasks to be challenging. everything from tying my shoes to driving my manual transmission car (the hardest part was setting the emergency brake) was painful to say the least. i couldnt raise my arm without the assistance of my other arm.


well, on tuesday i gave it another go as i leaned left into a turn on my motorcycle and hit a patch of loose gravel...


on the plus side, i got my first day off work in about a month. and for those of you wondering why i didnt post this sooner, i really didnt want to do this whole post with one hand.

LET'S GET PISSED

yesterday i had a great ride out to mona, utah. dont worry, i turned around and came straight back. this trip showed me that my bike is still awesome. really awesome. perhaps even too awesome. i honestly have doubts that i could actually hold on to the bike if i where to let it go as fast as it seems to want to (the speedometer goes up to 140 mph; which is about where i think it would red-line).

later that evening i was showing off my bike to my roommates and friends who hadnt seen it yet. of course they had only good things to say about it (even tho one of them was too scared to actually sit on it).

yet, amid my feelings of ecstasy, i did feel kinda... bipolar. during this session of show and tell i received some interesting information. a girl that i used to work with (and apparently loves motorcycles) recently became engaged. and of course the sentence following indicated that she was "soo attracted to you." which sucks because feelings turned out to be mutual... it was a "i like her, but i dont think she likes me, so i wont show any interest for fear of embarrassment and a potentially awkward work environment" sort of thing. so i never had the balls to ask her out.

i realize that this sort of thing happens to everyone, and getting the timing of relationships down is part of what makes dating so hard. but how many times is this exact situation (i find out after the girl i am interested in is engaged to someone else, that she was actually interested in me) going to replay itself? i mean, come on! is this something that girls do on purpose? once they finally seal the deal they run around to all the guys that had a chance and rub it in their faces? is it out of bitterness that the guys never asked them out?

i guess in all fairness, they are never the ones to tell me that they are engaged (or interested). it is usually a good-intentioned friend or family member oblivious to the situation (one girl's new mother-in-law told me AT THE RECEPTION "dont feel bad; if you hadnt been on a mission, she would have married you"). and i dont really blame them. it is just easier to play the victim and turn my frustrations into bitterness.

at least my motorcycle still loves me...

TO THE WIND

that is where i threw caution this afternoon as i rode off the kawasaki dealership on my brand new mean streak. ok, maybe i didnt throw it. it was peeled off my person by 90 mph winds on the freeway. seriously, this is an awesome bike. it handles like a dream, stops on a dime, and absorbs the shock of riding over boulders. it even has a clock!

MEAN STREAK

i know i implied that i was thinking about getting a new car. but i have recently been talking to moydie and what with the vegas trip coming up, i am now thinking of upgrading my current motorcycle. ya know, for the trip and such.

so i guess what im saying is i am now torn between the yamaha warrior

and the kawasaki mean streak

FER-DRIZZLE

is anyone else put off by the fact that today is the first day this year with a reasonable temperature and i cant ride my motorcycle to work?

TORN

right now i am torn between this

and this
and this...
but i really really really want to be torn between this
and this...

MORNING, PERSON!

have you ever had that sensation of impending doom when you are about to sneeze; you try to stop it at first (which i have successfully done only twice in my lifetime); then you realize how many times you have lost this battle in the past, and in your learned helplessness try to induce the victorious sneeze just to get it overwith?

...while brushing your teeth?

that pretty much sums up my morning...

<==== and for the record, sneezing in my sleeve would have killed me.

CAPTAIN INSENSITIVE

when i first considered starting a blog i figured it would be sort of an anonymous online journal, where total strangers would stumble upon my posts, be intrigued/offended and never meet me. i had absolutely no intention of ever showing my blog to anyone i knew personally. this would allow me to be unbiased in my judgements of others and keep things edgy without any "real world" repercussions. not a bad idea really. but the reality it is, the internet is not as full of inquisitive blog-searching sheep as i had thought. so i branched out.

sure, you might be thinking that i, captain insensitive--the perpetual heckler, would have no problem speaking my mind, even if it insults or offends someone. and that is fairly true, actually. i try my best to truthful and forthright and i have a tendency to do it in a peanut gallery style. but even i have my limits. i have a pretty good idea of the things that would really set off my closer associates. and so i usually dont bother bringing up those things. im talking about stuff like someone talking too much, or scaring visitors away, or stealing love interests. ya know, the stuff that would crush a person if i told them what i really think of them...

and dont assume that i am the only one who thinks like this. i know that i do stuff that pisses people off and i can sometimes tell when they bite their lip so they dont offend me. everyone does it. everyone passes judgment--even if they feel hypocritical about it. it is only human. so what is the big deal then? why cant we bring up certain things that really piss us off about our friends? isnt that the only way to resolve the situation and not let is fester and build up? even though i dont always follow it, i do believe people should bring these sorts of things up, at the very least so the other person knows about it and can try to minimize it when you are around. and really you would be doing them a favor since you are probably not the only person to notice it...

so what? so people hold grudges without ever telling the other person. who cares, right? the fact of the matter is, you have to decide whether holding a secret grudge is a fair trade for the uncomfortable revealing conversation.

as for me, i will continue to poke fun at my anonymous friends for all the blog-reading sheep...

let the paranoia begin...

CLASSY

if there is one thing i know, it is school. i have lots of experience at it. in fact, most of my life has been spent at school. i never really minded it until i got to byu and had my first chemistry class. it was at that point that i didnt like school anymore. which is why i became a teacher.

you see, school doesnt suck nearly as much when you control every aspect of the classroom. no one is there to tell you what to do, how to do it or why you are wrong. instead, you get to do it to others. what goes around comes around (although, in this particular instance, the order is reversed).

so what is it like molding minds like silly puddy? bouncy. by that i mean, every day i witness something new that i never would have expected. here are a few (mild) examples completely stipped of context:

"when i grow up i want to work at an elementary school so i can meet chicks."

"you nasty. you farted in the bathroom."

"im allergic to peanuts." "why?"

"i can taste it in my mouth!"

"im gonna eat it without swallowing."

"what month is may?"

"...and for some reason it was christmas."

ah, the future is bright.

MIS-ADVENTURES IN WINTER TRAVELS

so i went home for chirstmas like i usually do. only this year i decided to only go home for a few days instead of the more traditional few weeks. this is mostly due to my work schedule, but is also due to my inability to entertain myself at home for such a long period of time. 4 days was all i got/needed to enjoy my trip. well, i should clarify that the trip itself was good but the traveling part was less than good. perhaps even bad.

to start out, my flight was scheduled for dec 24 (supposedly the busiest travel day of the year) at about 11am. i didnt have to check in luggage so i left about 3 hours before my flight figuring that would be plenty of time to get through security and such. after about 30 minutes of driving i realized that my ticket was sitting on my desk. so i turned around and, going about 90 mph, got home, got the ticket and got back on the road. i continued to go 90 mph all the way to the airport, passing cars and cops alike (and i still didnt get pulled over. honestly, what DO utah cops do?) and i made it to the airport about an hour before my flight was scheduled to leave, thinking that i was never going to make it through security on time. but it turns out that the christmas rush was about three days earlier when byu/uofu/uvsc all got out of school. i breezed through security in five minutes.

everything was looking up as i boarded my flight to reno, nevada... where i spent three hours waiting for my connection to seattle (by the way, reno was also dead... i had an entire wing to myself. no one was there to witness me make a mess of my $7 sub sandwich). it was for this very reason that i bought a new 80 gig zune. unfortunately, it was scheduled to arrive via ups later that day. luckily, i still had my 1/2 gig sandisk and happily listened to metallica's "black," ac/dc's "dirty deeds done dirt cheap," tool's "10,000 days," some flyleaf album i found, and a mix of wolfmother songs, all while trying to figure out how to take off the auto-fill option while texting on my new cell phone. and my flight was delayed, so i listened to "10,000 days" again. i got to seattle at about 6pm.

in related news, my return trip took the regular 2 hours and i was home in time to for lunch.

in less related news, my car heater is frozen (i assume, it did the same thing last year) and i had the thrill of my life yesterday as i tried desperately to scrape away the ice that was rapidly forming on the inside of my windshield as i drove through byu traffic with this much [......] visibility. luckily, i had a half gallon bottle filled with hot water under my coat to keep me warm...

in even less related news, i am planning a road trip to vegas in the spring (end of semester-ish) with some friends (moydie and i will be on motorcycles). let me know if any of you are interested.