THAT THING THAT'S GOING AROUND

so i have recently taken to drinking hot chocolate. call it seasonal depression if you want to. i just like putting as much junk food as i can into a mug and calling it a drink (cocoa, milk, candy bars, marshmallows, chocolate syrup, caramel syrup, and, my personal favorite, mint chocolate chip ice cream.) besides, can you really call something that sears your taste buds off a "comfort food?" i didnt think so.


seasonal depression is just an excuse to wear poorly knitted sweaters and listen to christmas music 4 months prematurely. (i hope that by now everyone has realized that i am not actually describing seasonal depression. i am actually describing "middle-aged house-wife syndrome.")


that's right MAHWS is real and is plaguing our nation. you probably know people who are afflicted with MAHWS. i have relatives who have been struggling with this disease for years. nothing is harder on a family unit than finishing a nice picnic/bbq at the local park and as you start lighting the fireworks grandma starts singing "silent night..." and makes the baby cry. sure, she may blame it on the senility, but she isnt fooling anyone. MAHWS is a lifetime disease and she is a carrier.


perhaps you have experienced it yourself. have you ever found yourself laughing at a joke with a little more diaphragm than usual thus shaking your belly like a bowl full to the brim with jelly? or perhaps you wake up in the middle of the night only to find that you have a sugar plumb in your mouth and "up on the roof top" stuck in your head.


this is what you need to do if you suspect someone to have the illness. set up your living room as though it is christmas eve. if they are actually afflicted then they will just go with it no matter what time of year (or even time of day) it is. by now they will be so far gone that there is no reasoning with them. they will appear to smile constantly but it will be a more of blank grin than actual happiness. they will also sing every holiday song they know. and when they run out of songs they will likely start singing songs from other faiths or even just make up new songs all together. just sing with them. it will help keep them calm before the next part, thus making it more effective.


the next part is where you have some freedom. basically you need to kill santa.** you can do it any way that you want. i recommend something like having a dummy come down the chimney and land on a bear trap. you can also have an animal attack him (a reindeer would be the most effective but a dog or badger will work too) or simply shoot him in the head yourself. the point is that it is a bloody mess and the victim becomes so traumatized that they never want to celebrate a major holiday again.

PTSD > MAHWS.


** do not attempt on children under 12