TEACHER! I NEED GO POOPY!

funny story: when i was a kid we had a hard time keeping teachers for sunday school. i dont remember exactly why that was but the following may have had something to do with it. i remember getting to class early one day (along with the other kids) turning off all of the lights and propping a folding chair up against the doorknob. when the teacher came she couldnt get in. we suppressed our laughter enough that she didnt hear us and she went to get help. i dont remember exactly how long it was before we opened the door, but it was a while. and i dont recall them asking where the kids were...hmmm.

we did have one teacher that wised up to our antics and had some...creative solutions. he was short, heavy set, and very bald (he waxed it). i think his philosophy was "if the kids stay in the room it is a successful class." he was mostly successful. one particular boy, named aaron, was... wow i cant think of the word. he was more than a handful (satan in a box?). whenever aaron would get out of line the teacher would sit him next to his chair and put his hand on aaron's head. then he would give aaron a warning "if you move, i'll make you look like me!" sometimes aaron would challenge this warning and try to run away only to be brought back to his place next to the teacher by his golden locks. aaron just made one of those 'half laugh- half cry' sounds. the rest of us were pretty well behaved after that.

well, i got a calling in our ward recently. sunday school president. karma knows no bounds (and it is apparently very patient).

but that isnt the point of this entry. you see i also got a job recently. high school teacher (that's a whole different kind of karma).

the funny thing about becoming a teacher is that i have some friends who are getting their degrees in teaching and i, an exercise science major, beat them to it. and i'm not even teaching P.E. i teach the morning computer classes.

take that karma.

THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT

"i need a drink," "i want to play video games," and "i need go poopy" were all i heard the last two days. (ya, that's a good attention-grabbing intro) you see, on sunday afternoon i got a call from my mother informing me that she, along with my two younger (teenage) brothers were coming down from seattle. its only a 14-15 hour drive, so why not, right? but before they make it to my house they are picking up my older brother's kids. some of you may recall my description of christmas break as this:



my brother's four children, between the ages of 2 and 8, were part of the reason for that description.

dont get me wrong, they are great kids and they are tons of fun to play with (dont worry, we didnt play pass with lil charlie this time). but holy crap im tired. the purpose of the trip was for my younger brother's audition into byu's music program (he is a trumpet player, and yes he is better than me...). so guess who got to take care of the kids while grandma was driving around town ===> ME!

i have baby-sat kids before, it has just been a while. a very long while. a "not since 9th grade" long while. and i was the sort of baby sitter that would just morph into a jungle gym until the kids were too tired to continue running amuck. i didnt mind then, and i really dont mind it now. im just getting old and out of shape, so continuously throwing children over my shoulder onto a pile of couch cushions for three and a half hours just isnt an option anymore.

so what did i do? guitar hero, half-life, world of warcraft, moydie's motorcycle, and pretending to take a nap while standing up. but that only works for so long. i did have to cook up some bbq chicken and hot dogs too. not to mention constantly filling cups with water and pink lemonade, which consequently opened a whole new can of worms: potty training!

let me paint the picture. i finally get the kids interested in a game on my computer (half-life) and adrian (4 years old) is playing while his sister rebecca (8 years old) watches when lil charlie (2 years old) walks in a says "uncle! uncle! i need go peepee! uncle!" to which i reply, "umm, ok." having never done this before, lil charlie describes the process to me. "you hold me! its a big seat! you hold me!" so that's exactly what i did. after washing his hands with soap (which he insisted was actually lotion) we went back to my computer and the other kids were still captivated by the dune buggy armed with a 5omm.

it is at this point that lil charlie notices my bag of pretzels. i give him a handful. not his size handful, my size handful. i figure this will keep him occupied for a while. after eating about three pretzels lil charlie announces "uncle! i need go poopy!" to which i reply "umm, ok." so i grab a paper towel and put the pretzels on it. as we walk to the bathroom lil charlie then says "dont worry! we wont leave you, pretzels!" the 'poopy procedure' and 'peepee procedure' were very similar until the very end. apparently lil charlie is learning the fine art of wiping. fantastic. but the hands of a two year old are only so precise. guess who gets to go in for round two ===> me! afterward he decided to use the 'big soap' instead of the 'lotion soap.'

in related news, this afternoon i am driving up to idaho falls for a family wedding. im hoping the ratio between adults and potty-training toddlers is higher.

GOOD OL' OSCAR

yesterday was the FHE oscar's night for the second ward. i was invited to do an exibition video to be played during the judging of the entries. i actually started planning this video in the summer but i never got around to filming the live action scenes until this week. but now it is done and the oscar's are over so now i can post the video. if you want a higher quality copy of the video you will need to talk to me. enjoy.

MISINFORMED

yesterday, i went to a friend's apartment to eat cookies. chocolate chip and butterscotch, if you must know. this is a pretty typical outing for myself and my roommates. pretty much every sunday we go, eat cookies, and make fun of the neighbors. good times had by all. except for the neighbors. unless they are masochists. which they might be. j/k roflmao /chuckle

anyway, while we were there a semi-regular cookie eater shows up. he chimes in every once in a while, trying to contribute to the wise cracks about how so-and-so's boyfriend is a "duh-duh-duh" (mind of mencia, for those of you who didnt get it right a way). and then he puts in his two cents about how eating right before going to bed is bad for you, makes you fatter, and you magically acquire more calories. and i shot him down.

it is a common view actually. i have heard it several times over the last few years. but it doesnt make any sense. his argument was this (and i assume he was just spitting out something he heard on the radio or something, like most people do about such things. they have no formulated opinions of their own, only borrowed information. but they sure do get defensive when someone calls them out on it) "when you eat the food and go to bed the calories get stored in the body, and they become harder to use, so you gain weight."

fine, i'll explain the process even further. you consume calories, you go to bed, your body's metabolism drops as does your caloric expenditure meaning you need less calories to run basic bodily functions like breathing and heart rate. the calories not used then become stored as glycogen and fat. fat takes more time to breakdown into usable glucose (which is where i think the theory comes from). so what is the effect on the body? you might become slightly more lethargic when you wake up.

you see, when it comes to gaining weight it comes down to a simple equation. calories consumed > calories used. that is it. when people say they have a glandular problem that prevents them from losing weight, what they mean is the glands are releasing a hormone which gives them a feeling of being hungry, or the glands fail to release a hormone that would have them feeling full after eating. either way the result is that they eat more food than they will use through exercise.

the idea that once calories are stored as fat they are never coming back is ridiculous. your body is constantly adding to and taking from your fat stores. it just happens to do it more quickly after a few minutes of aerobic exercise. so eating before you sleep has nothing to do with weight gain. calories weigh the same no matter how they are stored in the body. and even if it did affect the body in the way it was explained to me last night, i cant think of a single situation where it would cause significant weight gain. if you are eating right and exercising regularly, a few extra fat cells wont last more than a day anyway. and if you are obese then you have bigger issues than the time of day you are eating more than your share (no offense).

i just dont get health fads.

SUMPTHIN

some of you may have noticed that i havent been posting as often as i used to. this is true. at one point i posted up to three times a week on two blogs. now im doing well to get one a week ... or so. some of you may have even asked why this is. well, to answer that i guess i should explain why i started this thing in the first place. last summer, as i sat at work, i realized my job is incredibly boring, and i have lots of down time. so i came across kat's "choose your own katventure" (still the best blog i have seen) and decided to give it a go. i mean, i really had nothing better to do.

so what does this have to do with not posting? well, i cant say that i have something better to do. im just not as bored anymore. since i finished my classes and consequently had to quit my job (it is for students only) i have found my self at home playing video games a lot more than usual.

with that said, at what point do you accept that your degree is useless and apply to the home depot?

HOOCHIE HOOCHIE HOOCHIE

WARNING: ANY LADIES WHO READ THIS SHOULD DO SO WHILE WEARING GUY'S SHOES.

i have participated in and been the subject of several conversations concerning dating. it is awkward, really. usually it is not so much about dating itself as it is about not dating. i have been accused of not putting forth any effort and not asking girls out for superficial reasons. fair enough. however, in my defence i will say that 'dating' is not what it used to be and there are, in fact, alternatives to dating (at least in the initial stages of the relationship). you see, i can tell you within five minutes of a conversation with a girl if i will ever have any interest in ever possibly pursuing even a casual relationship with that girl. oh, i'm good.

with that said, get off your soap boxes about how hanging out is bad and first dates are good. the first date is a sham. you can get to know some one quite well with out the pressure of a good impression. besides, i have talked to older generations (much, much older, mind you). dating meant something quite different. when we say 'dating' we actually mean paired off. the older generations would say that you are dating anyone you take out with any regularity. even if that means twice. so you could be 'dating' several people at the same time. in other words, the definition of dating 50 years ago and the current definition of hanging out are actually defining the same thing.

and another thing, what is so wrong about girls asking guys out on dates? is it immoral or simply tradition? im guessing the latter. and if it is tradition and nothing more, where did it come from? who started it? i know. it comes from the same people who said that women have no place outside the home and shouldnt vote. that's right, ladies, the comfortable assurance that you have no real responsiblity over the initializing of a relationship comes from sexist pigs whom you normally detest. so, stop complaining about not being asked out as often as you would like and take some initiative. i know for a fact that most guys are perfectly comfortable with the girl asking them out, if only for the first date. which should be enough for you to let him know you are interested in him.

let me tell you a story of what i mean by girls complaining about dating. in high school i knew a good christian girl who happened to be dating someone in a city about 45 minutes north. this 'long distance' relationship resulted in her only seeing him every once in a while. so she would go a week or two without a single date! gasp! so, about 6 months or more into this relationship she complains to me that no boys ever ask her out. to which i reply "you do know that you are dating 'so-and-so' right?" "gasp! well, its not like im engaged or married or anything like that. guys can still ask me out." i hope you are all thoroughly disgusted by this argument. taking out another man's girlfriend while full well knowing she isnt available is one step below adultery in my mind. if i were in that position i would probably break up with the hoochie mama and grab the guy by the testicles and run away with them.

i feel better.

BELATED CHRISTMAS

some of you may remember a post i wrote in december about my grandpa chopping off his finger and my grandma locking the car door with the engine running. well, i got a new one about said grand parents. i got a belated christmas card form them last week. im going to quote it, and while you read it, keep in mind that their names are charles and laura call.

"sorry this is so late, but we are now ancient and slow and if you want more excuses, we can think them up.
(card text: merry christmas and best wishes for the new year)
this card is torn from a 55 year old sample book of christmas cards and since -->
(card text: mr and mrs arthur watson)
are not your grand parents, ignore them and pay attention to us.
love always, grandma and grandpa call"

i love my grand parents.