ICEY DEAD PEOPLE

"you are a unique individual... just like everybody else." some how i found a way to make this my motto in high school. i think it had something to do with my newly acquired sarcastic/morbid/disaffected sense of humor. i enjoy things that make fun of things that other people enjoy. this is also about the time i started to follow websites like despair.com and the very prestigious darwin awards.

many people have theories about why i am the way i am. i have dozens of hobbies. wrestling, hockey, rock music, jazz improvisation, trumpet, sax, clarinet, bass, piano, music composition, graphic design, pencil drawing, movie making, video games, motorcycles just to name a few. but i dont really seem to need much in the way of social interaction. in high school i usually spent my free time on one the above things all by myself and i was perfectly happy doing so. it wasnt until my second year of college that i decided having close friends would be a good thing. so i started making time for them. but i never considered it a need. more of a guilty pleasure.

i know im weird. i know i have issues with certain things. but i refuse to believe that it is all my dad's fault.

people are funny. they see some one else with similar issues and automatically assume that the cause must be the same. why do you think both adhd and depression among high school students exploded in the mid 90's? because some one had a son who couldnt sit still, took them to the shrink and that's what the doctor told them. that's not to say that the doctor copped out and just went with an easy answer. no, the kid probably did have adhd. the problem comes when the kids mother starts telling all of her bingo buddies that they finally took her kid to a psychologist and he fixed everything. so the other mothers start saying "oh, you know what, i think jonny has the same thing. what were his symptoms?" then the mother starts spitting out a list of things that virtually any kid is guilty of and the other mothers blow it out of proportion, and all of a sudden everyone has adhd and a shrink on speed dial.

so what does this have to do with my dad? i have noticed that the media has a simple formula for today's bread-winning american dads. work-aholics who dont care about their delicate children and can never keep a promise to attend a recital or tournament or whatever. the children are all the same too. they are so distraught by the fact that daddy has to work during one of their many extra-curricular activities which they somehow have decided is more important than the rest of them and never speak to their father again. at this point the father has an epiphany and decides to risk loosing his job and puts the well being of said children in jeopardy because, dammit, enough is enough. and that is basically the best argument he can come up with as he slips in the back of the theater just in time to witness his child's big moment dancing to the theme of peter and the wolf. and it is at this pivotal point that i vomit.

the reality is i was one of those children. sort of. ok, maybe my dad was one of those dad's. sort of. my dad was very busy. during most of my childhood he was a doctor and a bishop and so on. he would get up at 4am and be gone before the kids were up, and he wouldnt get home until 8-9 ish. basically he was never home. one day some one asked me (at about the time i acquired my sarcastic/morbid/disaffected sense of humor) if it was hard for me to never see my dad because he was gone so much. to which i replied, "huh?"

i had never noticed. even when i was a kid and i watched movies and tv shows like the one i described above i never actually thought "wait a second! that is just like my dad! grrr, i hate him now. thank you hannah barbera for enlightening me to the ways of truth."

to all of you who read this and think that daddy is to blame for all that is wrong with you and that is why you have to get tattoos and go to raves to find your niche in life as a non-conformist as you drink coffee in the local star-bucks pissing on "the man" with all of your other non-conformist friends with the same eye-shadow as you, i say if daddy didnt love you enough when you were pure and innocent then i cant imagine your current behavior is helping the situation. which is why you are spiraling into self-loathing and depression (notice that i didnt say chemical depression; your depression has more to do your self-destructive behavior and chosen lack of self esteem and NOT your serotonin levels). so stop living your storybook tragedy and "grow up."

IT’S A MAD MAD (INSERT SYNONYM FOR MAD) MAD LIB

i have been wanting to write this (noun) for a (adjective) long time. i have never tried (verb) one of these before. here it (verb).

a few (measurement of time) ago some (nouns) and i went to see (pg-13 animated movie). it was very (adjective). it was like a (type of young animal) on (drug/supplement/performance-enhancing-somethingerother/herb). or maybe it was like a (favorite adjective about bleeding/dying) (type of young animal) in the circus. no, it was (definitely/probably/sometimes/sort-of) the first one.

so anyways, (pg-13 animated movie) was worth (verb). i will probably go and (verb) it again when it (verb) to the (adjective) theater.

but not all of my (nouns) could come to (pg-13 animated movie). i dont know if "could" is the right (noun) to use here. technically, they "could" have (verb). but (nagging wife) forbade it. (female pronoun) insisted they shouldnt go because it was (inappropriate adjective). more specifically, (10 year old boy from pg-13 animated movie) shows his (animated anatomical feature) during (pg-13 animated movie).

i guess it is good to know who wears the (article of clothing) and that (10 year old boy from pg-13 animated movie) has bigger (animated anatomical feature) than (male pronoun).

EXAMPLES

since i have lived in utah i have seen some of the crappiest drivers in my life. oh, they top anything i ever saw over seas. other countries may be aggressive and angry when they drive, but at least they are paying attention. most of utah's drivers are either on cell phones or talking to a passenger or having their own sing-along (gotta keep the chops up to par for men's chorus).

time for some examples. one time i was trying to turn left in an intersection in my car and the light turns yellow. since i am in the middle of the intersection waiting i expect to be able to turn before the cross traffic starts coming. but wait, there is an idiot in a roll cage on wheels gunning it through the intersection. luckily, i see him/her before i start turning and they run the red by about 2 seconds. as you may know, 2 seconds is considerably longer than the pause between red lights and the next green lights. as he/she clears the intersection cross traffic starts coming (apparently they are all idiots too since they didnt see my car sitting in the middle). so i did the only thing i could to avoid an accident--i gunned it and almost hit the cross traffic. and guess who everyone honks at....

the worst one i ever saw, though, involved a pedestrian. it was after dark and i was waiting to go straight through an intersection. to my right was a pedestrian also waiting. when the light turns green a car in the left turn lane guns it through the intersection trying to beat myself and the pedestrian. we both let him win.

now, it could be that the bubble is the source of all this stupidity since there are about 30,000 students in about a 5 mile radius. in fact, i was absolutely sure that this was the main reason for the chaos. until this morning.

on my way to work i was just riding my motorcycle, minding my own business, when along comes a dodge charger police vehicle trying to merge into my lane with ME still occupying it. he didnt even use his blinker!

it must be the water.

/WRIST

i just finished an ELEVEN hour work day on this many (/holds up five fingers) hours of sleep. i cant decide whether im more hungry or more sleepy or more achy-breaky.

***NEW POST***

i assume most of you know my current working situation. for those who dont know, here is the scoop. in the mornings i work at a high school/hospital teaching computer classes and in the afternoons i work at best buy in the geek squad. i have two name tags that qualify me as a geek. that doesnt mean that im actually good at what i do. but i dont let that stop me from doing it. in fact, i have had some pretty good blunders at both jobs.

really, having two jobs isnt that terrible. im constantly busy and, therefore, constantly getting paid to either fix computers or teenagers. for example, this week and next will put me at about 100 hours! 73 of which will come between tuesdays (73 hours / 8 days = 9 hours/day -- and thats just the average!). not to mention i dont get any real days off for at least two weeks ("free-days" are for whimps and commies) whats not to like? i mean, this sunday i get to go to best buy to help count inventory from 6pm to 1am. (counting stock software is the best, it is constant and easy to handle) and then i get to get up to teach at 8am! awesome! additionally, i really get to stay on my toes all the time (and feet) since i rarely know what im doing well enough to actually do it with confidence. it's the challenge that drives me. and who doesnt like constant correction or always asking for help with anything and everything. at least they are paying attention to me.


well, i got a very interesting phone call today from my boss at the school. he called me at the end of one of my classes and i didnt have time to ask a bunch of questions but this much he did tell me: "we would like to extend to you a full time position with benefits."


i have weighed the options very carefully all day (i even took the "extra-long way home" from work to think about it) and based on the info i have it comes down to this: taking the job would be best for me in almost every way, but it would completely screw over the geek squad (which i would really hate to do, since i am the only one with my job title at the moment, they are already short-handed, and they just invested lots of time to train me, and the clincher--my roommate helped me get the job).


i honestly dont know what to do.

A PATHETIC

some say im laid back and easy going. they say i roll with the punches (occasionally i punch back) and i dont let stuff bother me. eh, i say im just apathetic.

honestly, there are few things that really irritate me enough to get an immediate reaction. most of the time when some one does something to really piss me off i get so frustrated that i have a hard time formulating my rage into a coherent sentence. the result is that i appear to either not care or not have a spine. but in reality i just need some time to process the situation a little bit and cool down before i lay into them.

"does that mean you are a little slow?" no. it is all about context. to be slow i would have to react this way to all external stimuli. but those of you who have had the pleasure (or misfortune for some) to hang out with me know that i thrive on spur-of-the-moment wise cracks at anyone or anything around me.

case and point. the other day a friend was visiting us and was playing the new zelda game on the wii. (he was married a year ago, moved away for a while, then moved back. apparently certain majors are dead ends in and of themselves. so they are working towards masters degrees.) he commented that he would need to pick up his wife soon. and then my roommate commented on a creature in the game, to which he responded "it is so annoying and ugly." to which i replied, "so, why are you going to pick her up?" he let out a single laugh and said "i hate you."

where was i? oh ya, apathy. you see, i used to care about stuff and get all worked up over things but i decided it was better for my health (and the health of those around me) to not care.

TWO THINGS

FIRST: i just watched transformers. awesome. great solid movie with good action, good characters, ample humor (including witty references to the original cartoon series (im going to start using "i think there is more than meets the eye with you" as a pickup line)), and the first time i can ever recall an emotional attachment to a camaro being pinned down by multiple helicopters with giant harpoons. this movie seriously rocked.

however, i am thoroughly disappointed that the toy industry completely botched it. plastic? who the crap wants a plastic optimus prime, or bumble bee, or even jazz? seriously? is the war in iraq so bad that we have to collect all the metal we can for bullet shells? the best christmas present i ever received as a kid was a solid metal transformer (i dont even remember which one it was; i remember it was a red sports car). i played with that thing for hours a day for years. it was the best toy i ever had. there is no way a plastic replica could possibly withstand the abuse my metal one went through.

but the movie is still great.

SECOND: i hate flaky people.