The Insinkerator

THE WRITING ON THE CEILING

2011-11-15T19:53:00.007-07:00

student: "did you know that if you say the word gullible really slowly it sounds like beautiful?"

me: "did you know that in the 90's they actually took to word gullible out of the dictionary?"

student: "really? why?"

me: (coolly walks away)

student: "wait... bastard!"

A PROPER GANDER

2011-09-14T10:07:00.003-07:00

imagine, if you will, martin luther king, jr., and thousands of other civil liberals, marching on the washington monument in DC. once he takes his place at the podium to address the walkers, he promptly instructs everyone to empty their buckets of red paint into the pool of water beside them. what would this accomplish?

i have said in the past that peta is a domestic terrorist organization. today, i wish to expound on this thought.

yesterday, a friend (and mind you, she is still a friend--i think) posted this picture and stated: "This is why I hate wool... among other things :(".

the picture is from peta2.com and shows a process called mulesing (a surgical procedure for removing maggots from the flesh of sheep, although this is in no way explained by the picture or caption). upon reading the comment threads on both her page and the link, i found that very few people seem to actually know what this picture shows. most commenters think that it is a picture of sheering gone bad and a mistake caused by the ineptitude of hurrying farm hands (which you can no doubt find on peta2.com as well).

the "conversation" began with two girls reinforcing their support for peta's cause and (in my opinion) showed a misunderstanding of the picture's content:

the phrase that stood out to me as showing the most ignorance was kaycee stating: "they just want to get the job done quick so mistakes are made often." upto this point jill seems to get the picture; kaycee seems to be misinformed. but this isn't kaycee's fault. as i will show, it is peta's fault for intentionally misleading and misinforming viewers through sensational propaganda.

although i don't normally get involved with such pointless debates on facebook, i felt a need to chime in and set the record straight (since peta wouldnt). so naturally i said:

now, i knew that kaycee wouldnt like what i said. but i thought that i said it in an informed, and respectful way. at the very most, i blamed peta, and not them, for being misinformed. she didnt like that...

you can read the rest of the dialog here if you would like, but i dont want to spend any more time on it. my point is this: peta intentionally misrepresents, misleads, misinforms and flat out lies when they feel justified by their goals. this is (ironically) as unethical a political sceme as i can imagine. even the nazi nationalists thought they had a good point. but do the ends justify the means? is the promotion of half-truths any thing less than the promotion of ignorance?

ingrid newkirk (co-founder and current head of peta, last i checked) is to social liberalism, what bill o'reilly and fox news is to broadcast journalism (maybe i will address this in the future). both sensationalize media for their own supposed "just" causes. this is called propaganda and is a common and effective tool used by terrorists, domestic terrorists, and tools alike.

where would blacks be if martin luther king, jr. employed the same tactics that peta uses today? would homosexuals get anywhere politically if they began throwing red paint on newly wed heterosexuals? does hysteria and vandalism really promote progressive change? i humbly submit: it does not.

POLY-SIGH

2011-08-07T19:29:00.005-07:00

today, i saw this on a friend's facebook page:

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

MY GENERATION GREW UP RECITING THIS EVERY MORNING IN SCHOOL WITH MY HAND ON MY HEART. THEY NO LONGER DO THAT FOR FEAR OF OFFENDING SOMEONE!

LET'S SEE HOW MANY AMERICANS WILL RE-POST THIS AND NOT CARE ABOUT OFFENDING SOMEONE [caps not added]

and i almost replied: "did you think to ask why people are offended?"

i dont understand how people equate supporting separation of church and state with an aggressive attack on god. if this is the case then the constitution is also an attack on god.

here is my fundamental problem with this debate. taking "under god" out of the pledge does not force god-believers to make an acknowledgement that god does not exist; however, having it in the pledge DOES force non-believers to make an acknowledgement that god does exist--usually in a public setting, no less.

as a side note: the pledge of allegiance was written in 1892, and the phrase "under god" was not added until 1954.

MY STORY

2011-07-29T23:13:00.006-07:00

At the end of the Book of Mormon, the prophet Moroni gives a challenge (Moroni 10:3-5) where he admonishes the reader to ask God if the things written in the Book of Mormon are not true. What a great opportunity—a chance to ask God a specific question, and receive a specific answer. What better way can there be to both prove the existence of God and determine His true and living church?

While in high school, I wanted to find out if this was real, and if I really could find out for myself that the Mormon Church was true. So I read, prayed and waited. But nothing happened. Concerned, I thought I must have done something wrong. Maybe I had sinned and wasn’t worthy for an answer yet. So I repented and tried again. Still nothing.

At the end of high school it was expected of me to go on a mission for the church. My family expected it; my quasi-girlfriend expected it; even my non-Mormon friends expected it. Just before my temple endowment, my older brother came home from his mission and raved about how amazing it was and how much stronger his testimony had become. Ah ha! This was what I needed to really get an answer. What better way to know God than to serve Him by going on a mission and preaching and serving others? Surely, God would reveal himself to one of his servants. Surely, God would answer the prayers of one of his children concerning the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, if that child was humbly spreading His word.

I do not regret going on a mission. It was a great experience, and so much more than just a two-year "vacation." I grew as a person, as an American citizen, and as a man. But I never received an answer to prayer. Still, I tried. There was no choice but to keep with it. My family and social ties depended on this. Perhaps going to college and starting a family of my own would show my commitment, and then, yes surely then, God would make it known to me.

So I went to B.Y.U. and earned a degree; all the while, feeling depressed for not knowing, like those around me, of the Church’s authenticity. Every time I would sit in church and hear someone say that they “know the Church is true,” I would asked myself: “How? Your faculties are the same as mine. The promise, the requirements, the whole experience is the same. For over a decade I have tried to know what you claim, but I do not. How do you know? How can you know, what I cannot?”

Spiraling into ever-growing despair, I decided to try a new approach. Perhaps it isn’t true. Perhaps I haven’t received an answer to a single prayer because no one is there to respond. But if this is so, then why do I feel so depressed and unworthy when I sin? Then it hit me. This could be a conditioned response to my upbringing. Maybe, I feel bad because I am told that I must. Once you remove the threat of eternal damnation, there is no reason to hate yourself or feel condemned for not meeting the standards imposed upon you by a “loving God.”

Numerous times I have heard stories of those who accepted the atonement of Christ for their sins and felt as though “a weight had been lifted” from them. I felt the same thing when I acknowledged my doubt. My sins no longer have power over me. I no longer feel unworthy, depressed or condemned. I no longer feel burdened by fleeting perfection. Instead, I embrace my imperfections as part of who I am. And I am fine.

IT FIGURES

2011-06-30T09:02:00.009-07:00

(disclaimer: numbers and figures presented are taken from several internet sources, and some may not be accurate--but you already knew that, huh?)

"Using past patterns of growth as a baseline, religious sociologist Rodney Stark has projected an LDS population of 265 million by the year 2080. Using this projection, Stark has predicted that the LDS church will become the next major world religion." --Encyclopedia of Mormonism

did you know....?

....the current world population is ~6.9 billion people

....the current population of christians is ~2 billion

....the current population of muslims is ~1.4 billion

....the current population of hinduism is ~1 billion

....the current population of buddism is ~1 billion (some debate here--silly commies)

....the current number of jews in the world is ~14 million

....the current number of mormons in the world is ~14 million

....the current number of mormon missionaries is 52000 (while in the MTC in 2000 i was told several times that there were 50000 missionaries, so that's an increase of ~2000 in the last 11 years)

....the current annual world growth rate is ~1.2-1.4%

....the current annual growth of the mormon church is 2.5-3%

....the current annual growth of the rest of christianity is 5-7% (depending on denomination)

....70-80% of new mormons no longer go to church after their first year of membership.

....overall mormon church activity rate is ~50%

....in order for mormons to "convert the world" every member of the church (active or not) would need to baptize 485 people

....in order for mormons to "convert the world" every missionary would need to baptize 130769 people

....to do this before the world population doubles (estimated ~58 years--well before Rodney Stark's projection of the growth of mormonism) each missionary would need to baptize 2254 people a year--but by that time, it would only be half the population

....most missionaries are lucky to see 1 baptism per companionship, so if you figure each missionary will have 5-10 companions, then about 5-10 baptisms for a two year mission would be high

....if rodney stark's prediction is correct (265 million mormons in 2080) it will still be under 2% of the projected global population

....by this time the populations of all other major world religions will be 2-4 billion each

....the current population of "non-religious" people is ~1.1 billion and is currently the fastest growing religious category in the USA

BIG > small

2011-06-09T11:01:00.007-07:00

there is a lot of talk nowadays about "the man" and "big business" and the "evil corporations" taking over their smaller counterparts. we can certainly see examples of this since the economic crisis a couple years ago. bankrupt businesses like WAMU were bought out by the bigger and more survivable Chase bank. and i still dont know what happened to circuit city.

there seems to be a stigma against successful business models. i mean, look at walmart. now, i dont particularly like walmart, but that is mostly because it is too big geographically and i really dont like walking a quarter mile across the store when all i need is hand soap and mac and cheese. also, i would rather perform a self-lobotomy than stand in those lines. but as a business model, i think walmart is genius. it is incredibly convenient for lots of random things and it provides jobs for tons of people. sure, it isnt exactly a dream job, but neither is being a part-time barista at a local organic coffee shop.

but really, the problem as i see it is more fundamental. i dont think most people understand the real difference between a small local business and a corporation. all they seem to see are the differences in policy or business tactics or federal regulations. but these differences only come into play AFTER a business is classified as a corporation. since all businesses start out small and innocent, what turns them into an evil corporation? in a word, people.

the only fundamental difference between a big business and a small one is the number of people working for the business. once a small business grows to a certain point, it is then and forever more called a corporation. so why is it bad that a small business has become successful enough to employ lots and lots of people? well, it's not.

there is no economic advantage to having a crap-load of poorly-run, and over-valued small businesses instead of a few insensitive, and successful big ones (consider how many families have health care because of walmart. now think of how many small businesses cant afford to offer health care at all). and yet we are fed this garbage in the media all the time. especially when it comes to businesses which pride themselves on being small (unsuccessful) businesses, such as the organic foods industry (who's entire existance is based on the notion that the other guys are liars and bullies). and the funny thing is, most of these "whole foods" and "organic" companies are in fact large enough to be classified as corporations. they just choose not to tell people that. its sort of like the sheriff of rottingham not telling the townsfolk his name is "mervin." denial of truth doesnt affect its truthiness.

now, i dont really care if the organic foods industry survives or not, since, like most gimmicks, it is wholly unnecessary and backed by bad science. but it interests me that there is so much resistance against becoming larger and more successful within their own niche of the market. and why? so they can stifle their own growth and fizzle out like the tobacco industry? ...hmmm.

scratch that, corporations suck.

"LIES, DAMNED LIES, AND STATISTICS"

2011-05-04T11:30:00.008-07:00

i feel sorry for people who get sucked in to causes and scams based on misleading information and the misuse of statistics (ie peta, veganism, organic foods, cleanses, most stuff people like which i find stupid or unnecessary). i have taken my share of math and statistics classes and if there is one universal theme that i got from my professors it is to be wary of any one claiming proof through numbers (**correlation =/= causation). as it turns out, the leading cause of motorcycle deaths is simply owning a motorcycle...

today i read an article recommended by a friend. well, a good-intentioned mother of a friend. she is one of the nicest people i know, and yet she regularly gets pulled in to these articles and makes life-changing decisions based on the information they provide. now, i wont bore you with a full review of the article but i will say that as i read it i found it to be nothing more than cleverly worded scare tactics designed to get people to click on their website. it may as well have been national enquirer magazine.

one thing that they consistently did, which really annoyed me, (aside from drawing false conclusions and making bold assumptions and not providing sources for any data and not talking about the actual studies themselves and not discussing the control groups) was use stats to intentionally mislead the reader. for example they said "[eating] one sausage or three pieces of bacon [daily] raises the likelihood of the cancer by 20 percent." a shocking stat to say the least. but this is very misleading. the wording implies that eating these meats increases your chance of getting cancer by a full 20% (meaning if your baseline risk is 10%, then it becomes 30%). but this is not the case. knowing a thing or two about stats would tell me that it is a 20% increase on the original percentage (meaning if your baseline risk is 10%, then it becomes 12%). but this is something that your average reader (ie my friend's mom) wouldn't know.

so i got to thinking, why would they mislead the reader so drastically? it must be because the real numbers they are working with are actually fractions of a percent (which is typical for cancer risk). well, saying that eating a lot of meat increases your risk of a particular cancer by 0.02% (a risk of 0.1% becomes 0.12%) doesn't make for a good article so rather than tell you the actual numbers they just say a 20% increase.

i found similarly misleading stats on peta's website as well.

to anyone who reads this and thinks im just seeing what i want to see, and im not giving the lifestyle a chance, i have this to say. i have studied health and science for years. i know how the body works. everything i know about the body tells me these sorts of diets and crazes and fads are not just unnecessary and based on poorly conducted or unfounded studies, but many are actually harmful to you. there is one diet out there that has been proven to be the most healthy, the most beneficial and is supported by literally decades of research: the food guide pyramid. anyone who tells you different is selling something.

it turns out your third grade teacher was right...

**one professor in particular gave a good example to show what i mean. in the 1800s there was a huge increase in the number of churches being constructed on the east coast. there was also a similar increase in the number of bars in the same areas. now at first glance, one could ASSUME that the because more people were going to church, they were also filled with guilt caused by their "fire and brimstone" preachers, and would use alcohol to numb the pain. or you could say that because of the increased number of bars, and therefore alcoholics, people were driven to church by guilt or by fear of god's wrath. but neither of these scenarios were actually the case. neither one of these increases in NUMBERS caused the other to increase. the real cause, he said, was nothing more than a simple increase in the number of people living there. a population boom, if you will.

BTW

2011-04-29T09:29:00.002-07:00

"YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE. I GUARANTEE IT."

2011-03-14T10:12:00.006-07:00

(alternate titles: "BEATING (AROUND) THE (PROVERBIAL) BUSH"; and "PAVLOVIAN SLIP")

i have had a lot of (awkward) conversations lately. these are the sort of conversations that start with an innocently curious question, but result in a sort of "lucky shot" at my personal life. sometimes, the inquisitor gets more than they bargained for...

i have never been much of a (good) liar or even a secretive person--just very private. i willingly give opinions on general subjects, but i tend to withhold things that might divulge any real insight (about me). this may come across as a defence mechanism to protect myself from pain or dealing with my issues (as i explain to my students). but this is a HUGE assumption. simply put, it just isnt any of their business.

i think that this sudden increase in public query is (partly) related to my band. now, i am not famous by any means, but as my band gains more fans (as does our apparent notoriety), many total strangers approach me to make small talk. some are so bold as to add me as a friend on facebook. and i am fine with this. i just have to be (increasingly) more careful with the info i give about myself (certain pics have been removed...).

this is where i should use some sort of transition, but im too lazy...

my roommate is retarded. not literally, however; but in the 90's sense of the word. lets start out by explaining that he didnt have a chance to begin with. i have had lots of roommates over the years. some good, some bad, and some retarded. this particular roommate is not a good one, but certainly not the worst. he just has the unfortunate position of being my last roommate (im getting my own place and im not looking back). which means that no matter what he does, anything that reminds me that he is in the apartment will inevitably annoy me. its nothing personal, although it some times comes across that way.

and for the record, acknowledging my own hypocrisy does nothing to diminish my disdain for this ignoramus.

first, there is the bathroom. 95% of everything in the bathroom belongs to him. which in turn means that 95% of any messes in the bathroom are his doing. he doesnt flush, he doesnt put cloths in the hamper, he doesnt wipe up toothpaste spittle (or loogies) in the sink (or on the faucet), he doesnt clean off the blue hair gel on the walls or the blood on the counter (stupid diabetes...).

he is a night owl, which isnt altogether a bad thing since he is usually out and about when im going to bed. but he does get home at dawn on a regular basis...

as a night owl, he goes "clubbing" pretty much nightly, which means his taste in music is club music. now i dont really care for hip hop, dance, trance, techno, rap, r&b, or pop music, but i realize its mostly a difference in preference. not everyone likes my music either. but as the year has gone on (and on and on) i have noticed that its not just that we have different taste in music or that he has bad taste in music in general (musical taste is relative). i have come to realize that because his music library is so unfathomably pathetic that he must simply not have any taste in music... at all.

it was almost poetic when i realized this phenomenon. i know lots of people and everyone has different musical preferences. this is the first time i have ever met some one with seemingly no taste... at all. allow me to explain.

when some one likes a song they buy it and then seek out and buy any comparable songs by the same or similar artists. eventually they will have a nice little collection of a given genre of music. usually they will branch out to other genres, thus expanding their collection.

now in the 90's this was a bit cumbersome since you had to get tapes or cd's and most people didnt bother to make copies for friends. but in the 00's file sharing exploded with the aid of things like mp3 players, limewire, itunes, rapsody, zune market place, myspace, facebook, youtube, and pandora. so i think it is reasonable to assume that the average college student in this day and age of technology would have access to at least a few hundred (if not thousands) of songs at any given time.

so how the hell does a grown man listen to the same 10 songs every single day for months on end?

it truly blows my mind how i am not even exaggerating right now. he literally listens to the same 10 songs every day, and has done so for the last 9 months i have lived with this fool. he will even listen to the same song multiple times in a row... daily. and i bet in his mind he has a good collection. maybe even a well-rounded collection. after all, he does include one power ballad and one slow country love song.

"love the way you lie" makes me want to stab somebody in the face with a soldering iron...

REFRACTED LIGHT

2011-01-27T12:22:00.005-07:00

i was raised to be homophobic. i didnt realize i was homophobic until i went to collage and found that i had gay friends. i had to choose to either shun them (like i was taught) or befriend them. i chose the latter.

it wasnt until i took a psychology class at byu, during which we discussed **homosexuality, that i realized that i really didnt agree with the mormon view that homosexuality is a choice, and can therefore be "cured."

this brings me to what caused me to write this. one of my (many) cousins recently made a comment (spurred from a women's conference of some sort where a speaker touched on homosexuals in the mormon church) where she said "i dont see what the big deal is. we dont ask gays to do anything different from any other singles in the church. just obstain from premarital sex. it has nothing to do with being gay."

the problem is that the statement isnt true. gays in the church are not asked to do the same thing as heterosexual singles in the church. here is the difference: because gays can not marry (which is what the church wants) they have to live their entire lives in celebacy in order to remain in good standing with the church. whereas heterosexuals are taught to marry and have a healthy sex life with a spouse. celebacy is not the same thing as abstinance ...at all. just ask any number of returned missionaries who have bible-bashed with a catholic about the celebacy of priests.

now if the church changed its position on gay marriage to allow them to have a civil marriage (not an eternal marriage in a mormon temple) then it would be asking the same thing. or at least a similar thing. but the church has made it clear that they have no intention of changing that policy.

the notion of a cure for the "disease" of homosexuality has been prevelant in the church pretty much since the beginning. LDS social services use "reparative therapy" to cure homosexuality. this method is based on the idea that, with enough prayer and scripture study, one can overcome homosexual thoughts and urges, thus becoming heterosexual again.

this in turn implies that anyone who does not overcome these thoughts is not working hard enough and should read more and pray harder. when this does not work (and really, how often has it worked?) people become distraught and have to make a choice: choose a life of celebacy in a church that does not fully accept them; or leave the church and live a life among people who embrace them.

for many the choice isnt a choice at all. it is more of an epiphany, really. as a social worker, i see teens who seem to be unable to make that decision (usually due to family pressure) and too many of them either leave home or kill themselves. the truly terrifying thing is that this is a growing trend in utah and a sign that something needs to change.

personally, i think it is high time for mormons to get off the soapbox that homosexuality is a choice (and therefore a sin) and let gays get married. afterall, "two dads are better than none" (i realize this is a separate topic--get over it).

current polls on the subject show that younger generations are overwhelmingly in favor of gay marriage. this means that it is just a matter of time until the older generations die off and gay marriage is passed. when this happens, expect to see an "official statement" by the church... the same thing happened with blacks in the church having the priesthood. the difference is that blacks didnt kill themselves...

**for a long time homosexuality was actually considered a mental disorder by psychologists. but this was partly because scientists had yet to differentiate between homosexuality and gender identity disorder (which is still considered a mental disorder). once the distinction was made, however, they withdrew that section from the DSM IV and have ever since quelched the sentiment that it is abnormal.

keep in mind that one of the main reasons a distinction was made was because studies showed that homosexuality did not cause disfunction (or an inability to lead an otherwise normal life). all mental disorders (potentially) cause disfunction that extents to many aspects of the persons life. homosexuality does not fit this discription.

ITCHING FEELINGS

2010-11-24T08:37:00.016-07:00

(i refuse to explain the title.)

so it has certainly been a while since my last post. i have been very busy with my band and school and work and failed attempts at a social life. but i find myself today with some free time (at work, no less) and some thing interesting to say. today's topic is "moral impositions."

the founding fathers are often misunderstood when it comes to religion. i have heard many, many people claim that the founding fathers were all god-fearing christians and as such founded a christian nation. while it may be true that many of them were religious, many of them similarly hated organized religion. but that is hardly the point they were making. they wanted a nation where people could worship who and how they wanted with out persecution.

religious freedom and christianity have had a bit of a messed up relationship in the past (christianity isnt answering their cell phone). just look at the crusades, the spanish inquisition, and any number of european nations which used christianity to unify tribes of barbarians under a common government during the dark ages.

where was i? oh ya, moral impositions. so, living in utah county i see mormons and non-mormons trying to live peacefully together, but it is clear that there is some tension and quite a bit of resentment on both sides (i am mostly referring to locals. byu students add to the tension, but not intentionally). the source of the tension comes from moral impositions placed on non-mormons. and since they are the minority they get pushed around and taken advantage of quite easily. the most recent example of this has to do with one of the last bars in provo, "atchafalayas."

originally a strip club on center street in provo, in the 90's "atchas" was constantly protested by stalwart mormon mothers until about 10-12 years ago it was finally shut down and converted into a bar. in order to become a bar they, of course, needed to buy a liquor license. for those that dont know how a liquor license works, it is basically a permit purchased from the government which allows you to sell (heavily taxed) alcohol in your place of business. there are various annual fees associated with these licenses and there is a limit to the number of licenses allowed in a given county. all bars and restaurants have to have a current liquor license in order to sell alcohol.

in recent years, the city of provo decided to tear down certain sections of the down town area in order to build a new conference center. atchas is located on one of the blocks that will be torn down and has been working on a contract with the city to make the transition to a new location as smooth as possible. one of the conditions of the contract was that atchas would be able to keep their liquor license. and all was fine and dandy until the last election for mayor...

the new mayor decided not to honor atchas' contract and they sold the liquor license to byu (who apparently has a standing order to buy up any available liquor licenses in the area in an effort to make the county "dry." they have been doing this for years, thus preventing the city from recieving those heavy taxes from alcohol sales). the city then told atchas that they can still relocate and reopen as a restaurant instead of a bar. well, this didnt stand well in court as atcha's lawyers cited the contract which clearly states that they are entitled to a liquor license.

now, some of you maybe thinking that a dry county is a good thing (and in many ways it is, im not disputing that) but the manner in which the city and byu are trying to make the county dry is both underhanded and unethical. forcing other people to follow your set of moral values in this way is no different from the crusades, the spanish inquisition, or any number of european nations which used christianity to unify tribes of barbarians under a common government during the dark ages... and (for those of who are still keeping score) it goes against the intentions of the founding fathers and their understanding of religious freedom. such an odd predicament for a group of people who pride themselves on following "the spirit of the law."

in related news: my band will be playing at the grand opening of the new atchafalayas some time in january.

SOAP BOX

2009-11-24T09:21:00.004-07:00

i recently watched the movie "there will be blood" (which is not as violent as its name would suggest) and at the end of the movie i realized two things. first, i didnt get it. and second, religious nuts irritate me.

about the first point: the movie is fairly straight-forward in terms of its story telling and it flows nicely. it keeps you interested until the end of the 2 and a half hours. but when i say i didnt get it, i mean i didnt get the point. seriously, what was the point? the director has been acclaimed as an artist with a keen insight into humanity and the way people treat each other. and his other movies hold true to that. but i got to the end of "there will be blood" and i thought to myself "so what?" (for those who have not seen it, i am being vague on purpose). i guess it was sort of like the movie "signs" when the twist was that there was no twist.

about the second point: one of the main characters of the movie is a young pastor of a church in the middle of no where (now here?). now, the actor did a good job portraying a "fire and brimstone" preacher that has all the good intentions in the world (for those who havent seen the movie, think of the pastor from "pollyanna"). and i think that as a character he fit the movie well. but as i watched him cast out a devil from the hands of an elderly lady with arthritis, i realized that if i ever came across some one with that much vigor for religion i would probably slap them... with my fist... while holding brass knuckles... which i may or may not have in a shoe box in a closet... some where... now, this has nothing to do with my religious beliefs conflicting with theirs. nor does it have anything to do with me being offended by them. if they want to act that way, fine. it just annoys me.

about the second point (sort of): the other day i was with a friend who had recently become a vegan. so obviously i had to ask him "why?" after denying that his vegan wife made him do it, he said that he liked the feeling that nothing had to die for his meal. (which to date is the best explanation a vegan has given me). so then we got in to a (polite) discussion about whether or not the bible condones eating animals. and he made the comment that we should only eat meat in times of famine (thus retracting to the typical LDS-vegetarian stand). which i normally would accept as a valid answer (or say that the current prophet has said that it is ok to eat meat). but the problem i have with this answer is that he is not mormon. it was a defense that he stole from his (also not mormon) vegan wife who has made it a habit to quote the book of mormon and the d&c against mormons. usually about this very subject. now, i think it is great that two non mormons like to quote LDS scripture. but because the arent LDS they usually take things out of context and (like i mentioned before) the current prophet has said that it is ok to eat meat, a fact that they wouldnt know about. but the real question i have is why they use LDS scripture to support their views at all? they dont believe in the church or its teachings except for (seemingly) this one thing. and because of this they dont accept current revelations. what i am getting at is that because they are both born and raised non-LDS utahns they have built up a defense to combat the culture they are stuck in.

and frankly, i dont blame them.

POST-IT

2009-09-22T12:01:00.008-07:00

i have recently found a new pass time. writing comics. i figured i should post the ones i have so far since i havent posted anything for a while. enjoy.

...you can also check out full size versions at photobucket.

CD

2009-07-10T07:05:00.003-07:00

well, i have been very busy lately working 60 hours a week and doing stuff for my band. including recording an album. here are a few samples.

MORE PICS

2009-05-28T18:57:00.007-07:00

i have been working on more logos for my reggae band "sober down." rather than posting each pic individually i decided to finally cave in to the "slide" revolution and try a slide show. anywho, lemme know if there are any you would wear on a t-shirt or sticker or whatever.

and if you would like to see high resolution versions click here.

PARK CITY TV

2009-05-06T14:34:00.001-07:00

the show at park city tv went pretty well. here are some clips of the performance. the balance is a little off (vocal and bass heavy) but it'll do for now.

DO BE DO BE DOO

2009-05-01T08:59:00.005-07:00

so i recently joined a raggae band. i'll post more about the band later when we get some stuff recorded and whatnot. on may 5 we will be performing on park city tv. anyway, i have been working on some logos for the band and wanted to post some of my drafts so please let me know which ones you like.

4

5

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

2009-04-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

i suppose next yahoo will inform me that she is really quite good looking...

MESH SHIRT OF INAPPROPRIATENESS

2009-04-02T08:25:00.004-07:00

april fool's day really does bring out the best in people.

PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCE

2009-03-30T08:03:00.003-07:00

there are two things i would like to say about this last weekend. first, i got to present some of the cartoons my class has been working on. so i made a short introduction for it.

second, during the actual parent teacher conference i got kinda bored and made a picture in photoshop to pass the time.

BOOYA

2009-03-03T08:44:00.003-07:00

i went with the slightly flashier model in hopes that fewer people would try to run into me...

A MATTER OF TIME

2009-02-27T10:15:00.002-07:00

im counting down the days...

VIDEOS

2009-02-24T20:23:00.001-07:00

so i decided to post some of the projects my students have made. first is a cartoon about a dream. this student put a lot of time into the shading of the characters, which were hand-drawn, by the way.

next is a cartoon about soda pop and a t-rex. this one did very well on the perspective of moving objects.

lastly, is an epic film about a time-traveling cow. this one is just good all around.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

2009-02-13T13:05:00.002-07:00

i have no choice but to post this.

Joaquin Phoenix On David Letterman - Watch more Funny Videos

FORGET-ME-KNOTS

2009-01-22T08:27:00.005-07:00

today i am prepared to use the over-used word "plethora." yup, i have decided i am actually going through with it. here it goes: there are a plethora of differences between men and women. there. that wasnt so bad.

many of these differences are emotional, social, mental, gastrointestinal or imaginary. but i think the main differences (the ones not up for political debate) are the physical differences. one of these differences is hair. sure, the actual molecules of hair across genders is universal. but lets face it, it is a little weird to see a dude with longer, fuller, healthier looking hair than his female counterpart. traditionally, girls look better with long hair and men with short hair.

so, as a man with short hair i will never know the trouble that girls go through to keep their hair looking good. for example, i will never have to spend 10 minutes a night combing the knots out of my hair. sure i have had knots in my hair when it gets a little long. but that is usually the point when i just chop it off. i have seen my sisters comb out particularly gnarly knots (i swear, i had nothing to do with it...) and it is tedious. but knots are not sexist nor prejudiced and are not limited to the hair on one's head.

another difference between men and women is the location of hair growth. now, some places are the same. and we arent going there. but if you think about it, a moderately hairy man has a greater potential for knots. you could even use the age old business rule: location, location, location.

now, since length of hair is certainly a factor when calculating the magnitude of a knot, girls have us beat in complexity of gnarls. but men have the more sensitive areas pretty well... covered. namely, the armpits (with the exception of certain slavic/french/aboriginal cultures).

unlike many females, when a guy gets a knot in his armpit hair he doesnt notice it right away. in fact, the only time i notice it is when im in the shower. so a knot in the armpit could be present for as long as 24 hours (may be longer in some cases). and since it is noticed in the shower we dont have the tools present that females use to remove such things (i.e. combs, picks, brushes). but we certainly dont want to just ignore it until we can find such a tool since we will probably forget all about it and just leave it there (keep in mind such tools are harder to round up if the man has little to no head-hair). so we use the only tool we have available in a shower--the first tool god gave man--our hand.

i think i have a bald spot.

IT'S THAT TIME... AGAIN

2008-11-26T09:58:00.005-07:00

everyone has holiday traditions. even if they deliberately choose to not follow them. many, if not most, holiday traditions annoy me. not because i think they are stupid, pointless and a waste of perfectly good money. but because they have a tendency to get in my way. if all i want to do is buy a new flash drive from best buy, why should i be stuck in a line for 30 minutes waiting for all the rich people to buy their new laptops and psp's for their pristinely spoiled children? frankly, i have better things to do. like defend the universe from suicidal/exploding mindless aliens, while simultaneously catching up on the latest episode of 30 rock/the office/it's always sunny in philidelphia/house on hulu.com (dual monitors ftw).

but even i have some yearly traditions (like clipping my toenails and taking a nap). one of my personal favorites is looking up the new despair.com calendar. here are some of the new ones which really tickle my pickle.

COMMERCIAL

2008-11-20T08:20:00.002-07:00

commercial announcer guy:
"when you were 10 you wanted to be a fire man.
when you were 17 you were captain of the football team.
when you were 25 you married your high school sweet heart.
so when did you become a sex predator?"

i literally laughed out loud.

DROOL

2008-10-28T21:05:00.002-07:00

now that i no longer work 60 hours a week i can waste even more time looking up stuff like this.

DEFLECTION

2008-09-11T10:35:00.006-07:00

in an effort to completely avoid what i have been up to lately (i decided to take thumper's advice), i am posting a picture that i have been working on in photoshop for a couple of weeks.

first is the original picture from the chronicles of riddick.

to start i traced the picture by hand (er, mouse).

next i filled in the picture with new colors.

i then used a couple different tools to add shading. this is only partly finished.

and now the finished product.

EM-TEE-SEE-TOE

2008-07-31T08:48:00.004-07:00

wednesday is greenie day at the mtc. tens of dozens of fresh missionaries (new phrases make me look smart) line up to cordially accept their highly personalized dork dot to make their assignment official. some laugh. some cry. some just blindly follow the crowd into the assembly hall where a church offical will reassure everyone present that giving up 2 years of their lives for the church is the least they could do.

i enjoy driving past the mtc at around noon on wednesdays. that is when traffic is the worst because of all the parents walking their children to the door. normally, i dont like traffic. it gets in my way. but i like seeing the herd of people looking forward to cramming themselves into a small space for the next 2 months before they are shipped out.

now, some of you may think my interest is from a desire to reminisce in the good ol' days of a simpler time when all you were required to do was study and eat. but you would be mistaken. although i did actually enjoy my mtc experience, my motives for driving past the mtc on wednesdays at noon are more narcissistic... nay, more sinister than they may appear.

i like to think that as i pull up to red light on the corner of the mtc entrace with the tens of dozens of families taking pictures of their "all grown up" babies for the last time for two years, that my mustang, with windows down and led zepplin blasting, can serve as a reminder for some of them of all the worldly possessions they had to give up... right before they recieve their dork dot and make it official.

in related news, my little brother is going to el salvador.

ABOUT TIME

2008-06-30T21:19:00.001-07:00

i figure it is about time i posted some pics of my car. i gave her a bath today, so she's extra sparkly.

NO EXPLANATION NECESSARY

2008-06-12T07:07:00.001-07:00

NOVELLA > NOVELETTE

2008-05-20T07:03:00.004-07:00

just a couple of things about my book. i made some concept art for the cover.

also, i decided to use blogger as my main form of writing and editing the story. everything i have written has been posted, including rough drafts and partially finished chapters, which i will be updating as i add stuff. you can find it here.

ROUGH DRAFT

2008-05-08T21:59:00.004-07:00

i recently started writing. ya know, actually writing like a story or something. kinda like a book i guess. i had wanted to wait a little bit longer til i had more finished, but i would like some feedback now. it is still just a rough draft but i think it is enough for people to get the (general) idea. so far i have no title for it but i kinda like "primal lucidity." this is the introduction; let me know what you think.

The sky was clear and dark as Charlie opened his eyes. He had been unconscious for hours and it took him a few seconds to focus his eyes on the brilliant stellar display above him. As soon as he did, however, he could also see the thick leaves of the towering trees moving past him. There was only a sliver of sky visible directly above him. It was night time, though he had no idea what time it actually was, or where he was for that matter. He hadn’t noticed immediately but his ears were ringing. Softly at first, but the pitch gradually grew louder and louder, until the sound was so overpowering Charlie thought his ear drums might burst. They never did.

As the pitch started to dim, Charlie felt a dull pain on the back of his head. He tried to lift his head to relieve the pain but found that he was bound so tightly to the make shift stretcher that he could only lift it an inch or two. His head was wet with blood and he felt his hair start to tug towards their place of rest. He slowly lowered his now throbbing head back to the moist sticks bound together as tightly as he was to them. In the distance he could hear the thumping of drums. He blacked out again.

Suddenly, Charlie awoke to find himself surrounded by painted faces. Elaborate designs of the most vibrant reds and greens. All the paintings were unique. Only one thing was common among the hooting faces--their eyes. Each eye had been carefully sewn shut with black thread so thick that only 3 stitchings were required to hold them. The drums were now as deafening as the ringing in his ears had been. Panicked, Charlie screamed as he felt the dozens of hands upon him. He was still on the stretcher, only now he was tightly wrapped in a coarse blanket of some animal foreign to him. The blanket’s itch was maddening and Charlie squirmed helplessly as they carried him up a steep hill.

The hill was inclined enough for him to see the multitude of painted eye-less faces. Thousands of them had come to the festivities. Somehow, they all knew exactly where Charlie was. The top of the hill had been cleared of any brush. Centered perfectly in a stone circle was a 4-foot tall granite slab about the length and width of a man. Charlie violently turned his head left and right to better see his surroundings. His heart raced and his chest began to ache.

All at once, the drums and hooting of the thousands surrounding him stopped. A man dressed in rich orange robes approached him. He was the only person Charlie could see that was fully clothed head to foot. The man was easily the oldest person present by a good 30 years and the only one whose eyes were open, although his eye lids had puffy scars from being sewn shut years prior. His face was painted differently from the others as well. A simpler pattern of orange, yellow and white.

“Their chief,” thought Charlie.

The old man shouted something in a language that Charlie didn’t understand. The multitude responded with uproarious noises and the drums rang out in a hundred different rhythms at once. The man barked out orders to Charlie’s carriers and they quickly placed him on the stone slab which he now understood to be an altar.

“They are going to kill me!” he shouted. “Get your hands off…”

His threat was cut short as the dozens of hands reappeared and covered his face and chest. Only his eyes were left uncovered by the heavy hands. Charlie began to sob, his body lurching forward as far as the ropes would let him. The old man pushed some of the others aside and put his face about an inch from Charlie’s and stared at him intensely for about ten seconds. Charlie tried to bite the old man’s nose, but the old man was more agile than he appeared and stood upright and slapped Charlie. Not with the intent to harm him, however. It was to establish control over Charlie. But, of course, Charlie had no intention of submitting to the old man. Charlie dug deep from the back of his throat and spat on the old man’s face.

The old man simply wiped the spittle from below his wrinkled eye, smearing orange paint across his yellow cheek. He then put his hand over Charlie’s mouth, leaned down to his ear and whispered some gibberish in a low calm voice. Charlie was confused but he wasn’t about to let the man trick him into confidence by a simple whisper. Charlie bit the old man’s hand as hard as he could. The man pulled his bleeding fingers away without so much as a second glance towards Charlie.

The old man stood straight, raised his arms and with a deep booming voice sang out clean and clear over the thousands of riotous pagans. His melody was hypnotic and Charlie found himself becoming mildly sedated from the unexpected soothing tone. At once, his chest stopped thumping, the pain in his head was gone and even the noise of the multitude faded away. Amid all the chaos of his surroundings, everything seemed to be in its proper place. Even his fear began to subside and for a fraction of a second Charlie thought the old man was on his side.

The old man approached Charlie again and whispered the same gibberish as before only this time Charlie understood its meaning. “Calm, Great One.“ He did not resist. But he did not quite understand, either.

Charlie did not have much time to dwell on the old man’s words. The old man quickly backed away and the dozens of hands returned. So did Charlie’s pain, panic and fear. One of the eye-less faces hurriedly painted Charlie’s face bright blue. There was no time for an intricate pattern--solid blue would have to do. His heart began to race faster as another eye-less face ran up to the alter bearing a large insect. It was about the size of a hand and had more legs than Charlie had time to count. The bug was restless yet did not fight its master. The eye-less face shoved the insect inside Charlie’s mouth and forced it shut. Charlie thrashed about as mad as ever, sweat pouring out of his wrappings. The insect forced its way down Charlie’s throat.

Immediately, he began to feel light headed and the color of the eye-less faces began to blur. He felt the insect wriggling in his stomach, clawing at him as if it no longer approved of its host. With each scrape Charlie's eyes lost focus a little more. The eye-less faces now blurred together completely and all he could see was a mesh of bright colors swirling in patterns as intricate as the original paintings. They let go of his mouth and Charlie felt three sharp stings in each eye lid. He tried to open them in spite of the tearing pain. But the thread was too strong. The colors continued to mix on the back of his lids until all was glowing bronze.

Charlie let out a forceful scream with what was left of his might and will.

“You Bastards!”

Charlie felt a light rocking sensation and he heard a familiar voice. He couldn't make it out at first. He listened more intently now. It was his sister Nikki.

“She is just a child! If you bastards touch her…”

SLAP!

Charlie opened his eyes and saw Nikki looking frightfully at him. He was in his bed drenched in sweat. Nikki quickly withdrew to the other side of the room.

“You scared me. Who were you screaming at?” Nikki’s face was wet with tears. She had never seen Charlie like this and her 7 year old mind didn’t know how to accept it.

“No one. Don’t worry about it.” He rubbed his eyes carefully. The night terror’s were getting worse and more frequent. They were usually of the same event. The nit picky details would sometimes change: the colors on the faces, the trees, the altar, the sounds and smells. But his interaction with the old man was always the same, as was his encounter with the insect. He didn’t understand it himself and he certainly didn’t want her to be bothered by the graphic content of his dreams.

“Mom said to tell you breakfast is ready. I don’t think she heard you. I won’t tell her if you don’t want me to.”

“OK, thanks. I’ll be down in a bit. I need to shower first.”

Her trust in Charlie was something that had always been a source of comfort for him. This was especially true after their older brother’s attempted suicide. Jerry was one year older than Charlie and suffered from a variety of mental disorders which limited his abilities in school and social interactions. Between the schizophrenia and assortment of learning disorders Jerry was doing well to pass his classes and not be held back.

Outwardly, he admired Charlie’s successes in things that he could only imagine participating in. But inwardly, he had no place to hide his jealousy. Jerry had always wanted to wrestle, for example, but didn’t have the time to dedicate to the sport. He was too busy with his schedule of tutors and therapists. Charlie, on the other hand, excelled in wrestling and was poised to be the team captain next year as a junior--a feat seldom accomplished at his high school. Charlie was, at least in Jerry’s eyes, the family favorite.

ORDER OF SIGNIFICANCE

2008-05-06T22:06:00.011-07:00

there are two things that make this picture significant. 1. i think it is the coolest picture i have ever done free-hand on my computer. 2. i was bored.

number 2 is not normally significant, but as of last week i am cranking out a solid 60 hours of work a week.

WEEKEND UPDATE

2008-04-28T14:40:00.001-07:00

i know it's monday. but i was just too lazy to write this yesterday. besides, it is the update part that is important. so a lot has happened to me over the last few weeks. i believe i left off with me wrecking my bike. ok, lets start with that. i didnt just wreck my bike. i totalled it. the final estimate for the bike (before labor) was over $10,000. it is a little hard to see in this picture, but the entire left side is scraped up really bad.

so i was presented with a very difficult dilemma. i love my bike. it made me very happy while i had it (all 7 1/2 days). but my insurance shot up like crazy and i had to make a choice--whether i should get another bike or replace my car.

now, my bike is currently not runnable. my car is. but not for much longer. the heater doesnt work. and neither do the radio, clock, cabin lights, trunk lights or seat belts. about 3 years ago i had a bad alternator and had to replace it. so i bought one at schucks auto supply, opened the box and found the matching part on my car and swapped them out right there in the parking lot. i drove up to idaho falls that evening. the alternator works fine--but nothing else has since then. and now the car is making some funny noises. so it is probably not going to make it through the summer.

anyway, last tuesday i went to a ford dealership to look at some mustangs and after test driving one, i (gradually) accepted the fact that it was no longer economically feasible to get another bike and my car is about to explode. so i signed the papers for my brand new 2007 white mustang (yes, brand new 2007. they had a couple 07's still on the lot and they were having a blowout sale to get rid of them to make room for the upcoming 09's. and for those familiar with "i am legend," it is a white version of the car will smith drives (with a smaller engine, of course)).

so, i guess in a way i made the most reasonable decision by purchasing the most unreasonable car in my price range. but hey, it is a lot of fun to drive.

a few other side notes: a couple weeks ago i went on a blind date--with my entire family present; i had all of last week off and no one to share it with; the vegas trip was cancelled for lack of participating persons; starting today i will be working 60 hours a week... again.

hoorah!

WHY THE WORLD NEEDS SOUTHPARK

2008-04-02T10:23:00.007-07:00

some say that the world is going to waste. they also say that today's youth are arrogant, crude know-it-alls with mixed morals. they say that the next generation is a bust and will never be up to the task of fixing the U.S. in years to come. how can a bunch of whiny emo kids (which are just like goth kids, only wimpier) get their act together and resolve the international conflicts that other generations have done such a bang up job with up to this point. racism, sexism, homophobia, gas prices, taxes, education, welfare, social security, health care and giant walls at every port and boarder are just too daunting for today's snot-nosed brats. simply put, we have raised a bunch of pussies.

kids today dont have a good system of morals because we havent told them where to find them. we used to say go to your parents, but, let's face it, we are no better than they are. children of the hippie revolution are just as messed up as any other generation. the problem is that it is a perpetual cycle of ignorance and stupidity. they have resorted to sources like mtv, comedy central, the internets and, of course, friends (blind leading the blind = dumb leading the dumber).

a couple months ago i watched a little film called "idiocracy." not the best film i've ever seen but it was still pretty funny and it made an interesting point. the basic idea is that the doctors and lawyers of our generation are either too busy to have children or they use birth control, have abortions, etc, and the only people who are having children nowadays are stupid people. so in 500 years natural selection will wipe out anyone with even half a brain and our precious democracy will be replaced with a dumbed up version called "idiocracy." sadly, this is actually a pattern you can see. of course, this theory doesnt take into account religious peoples which discourage birth control (probably for this very reason).

so how does southpark fit in to all of this? you see, people often dont realize the moral lessons hidden inside every episode of southpark. the basic formula of a southpark episode is as follows: take a controversial topic; show both sides of the topic at their absolute most extreme; explain that both sides are bad/stupid/extreme; show an alternative way, usually some sort of compromise down a middle path.

case and point: they did an episode on homosexuality and political correctness. mr garrison realizes that he can do anything he wants at school because if the school reprimands him, he can claim prejudice towards him for being gay. eventually the whole town gets sucked into this overly protective mentality and no one can stop mr garrison as he slowly turns southpark into a gay-pride orgy in the streets. everyone just lets it happen for fear of being politically incorrect. finally, the kids show the towns folk that just because some one is gay doenst mean it is politically incorrect to call them perverted or out of line if that is exactly what they are. be accepting of people's differences but if they cross the line of social appropriateness call them on it. no one is above anyone else. if we are all equal, we should all be held to the same standard. this goes for all groups, races, sexes and religions.

well, so what? the point im trying to make here is that today moral codes are hard to come by. sure southpark can be crude and push the boundaries of entertainment (how else are they supposed to get your attention while myspace and youtube are running strong), but when you look at the target audience of southpark (teenagers and young adults--america's future) and their other sources of entertainment (and ethics), it really is their best source of right and wrong.

PAIN TRAIN

2008-03-24T10:36:00.005-07:00

about a year and a half ago i was playing football at the provo high fields. just me and some friends playing touch football on a saturday morning. it used to be a regular thing and my main source of exercise. on this particular occasion we decided to try tackle for a bit. all the girls had left and everyone was feeling extra manly. so we started tackling each other and everything was going great until peter (250 lbs) tackled his own teammate caleb (170 lbs) and put a knee in his spine. caleb sat out for the next couple plays...

minutes later my team was down field and our qb hiked the ball. i ran about 20 yards and looked back just in time to catch the ball. i broke a tackle and was in the clear to the end zone. about 20 yards away from the end zone, joe (130 lbs) comes sprinting up to me and leaps for my legs. i (200 lbs (at the time...)) tried to jump out of the way and joe managed to only clip my feet just a couple yards from the end zone. i flew through the air for about 10 feet and landed on my right shoulder and slid for another 10 feet (it was really muddy). of course, my shoulder was all screwed up and, of course, i kept playing. that night it took me about 30 minutes to get my shirt off so i could shower (yes, i spent the entire afternoon sitting in the chair-of-death trying to get up--the lever thingy is on the right side). then i took a single ibuprofen and went to bed.

the next day i found even the simplest tasks to be challenging. everything from tying my shoes to driving my manual transmission car (the hardest part was setting the emergency brake) was painful to say the least. i couldnt raise my arm without the assistance of my other arm.

well, on tuesday i gave it another go as i leaned left into a turn on my motorcycle and hit a patch of loose gravel...

on the plus side, i got my first day off work in about a month. and for those of you wondering why i didnt post this sooner, i really didnt want to do this whole post with one hand.

LET'S GET PISSED

2008-03-13T11:14:00.009-07:00

yesterday i had a great ride out to mona, utah. dont worry, i turned around and came straight back. this trip showed me that my bike is still awesome. really awesome. perhaps even too awesome. i honestly have doubts that i could actually hold on to the bike if i where to let it go as fast as it seems to want to (the speedometer goes up to 140 mph; which is about where i think it would red-line).

later that evening i was showing off my bike to my roommates and friends who hadnt seen it yet. of course they had only good things to say about it (even tho one of them was too scared to actually sit on it).

yet, amid my feelings of ecstasy, i did feel kinda... bipolar. during this session of show and tell i received some interesting information. a girl that i used to work with (and apparently loves motorcycles) recently became engaged. and of course the sentence following indicated that she was "soo attracted to you." which sucks because feelings turned out to be mutual... it was a "i like her, but i dont think she likes me, so i wont show any interest for fear of embarrassment and a potentially awkward work environment" sort of thing. so i never had the balls to ask her out.

i realize that this sort of thing happens to everyone, and getting the timing of relationships down is part of what makes dating so hard. but how many times is this exact situation (i find out after the girl i am interested in is engaged to someone else, that she was actually interested in me) going to replay itself? i mean, come on! is this something that girls do on purpose? once they finally seal the deal they run around to all the guys that had a chance and rub it in their faces? is it out of bitterness that the guys never asked them out?

i guess in all fairness, they are never the ones to tell me that they are engaged (or interested). it is usually a good-intentioned friend or family member oblivious to the situation (one girl's new mother-in-law told me AT THE RECEPTION "dont feel bad; if you hadnt been on a mission, she would have married you"). and i dont really blame them. it is just easier to play the victim and turn my frustrations into bitterness.

at least my motorcycle still loves me...

TO THE WIND

2008-03-11T19:24:00.005-07:00

that is where i threw caution this afternoon as i rode off the kawasaki dealership on my brand new mean streak. ok, maybe i didnt throw it. it was peeled off my person by 90 mph winds on the freeway. seriously, this is an awesome bike. it handles like a dream, stops on a dime, and absorbs the shock of riding over boulders. it even has a clock!

MEAN STREAK

2008-03-01T21:05:00.007-07:00

i know i implied that i was thinking about getting a new car. but i have recently been talking to moydie and what with the vegas trip coming up, i am now thinking of upgrading my current motorcycle. ya know, for the trip and such.

so i guess what im saying is i am now torn between the yamaha warrior

and the kawasaki mean streak

FER-DRIZZLE

2008-02-25T11:02:00.006-07:00

is anyone else put off by the fact that today is the first day this year with a reasonable temperature and i cant ride my motorcycle to work?

TORN

2008-02-13T23:41:00.004-07:00

right now i am torn between this

and this
and this...
but i really really really want to be torn between this
and this...

MORNING, PERSON!

2008-02-08T08:51:00.002-07:00

have you ever had that sensation of impending doom when you are about to sneeze; you try to stop it at first (which i have successfully done only twice in my lifetime); then you realize how many times you have lost this battle in the past, and in your learned helplessness try to induce the victorious sneeze just to get it overwith?

...while brushing your teeth?

that pretty much sums up my morning...

<==== and for the record, sneezing in my sleeve would have killed me.

CAPTAIN INSENSITIVE

2008-01-30T12:04:00.001-07:00

when i first considered starting a blog i figured it would be sort of an anonymous online journal, where total strangers would stumble upon my posts, be intrigued/offended and never meet me. i had absolutely no intention of ever showing my blog to anyone i knew personally. this would allow me to be unbiased in my judgements of others and keep things edgy without any "real world" repercussions. not a bad idea really. but the reality it is, the internet is not as full of inquisitive blog-searching sheep as i had thought. so i branched out.

sure, you might be thinking that i, captain insensitive--the perpetual heckler, would have no problem speaking my mind, even if it insults or offends someone. and that is fairly true, actually. i try my best to truthful and forthright and i have a tendency to do it in a peanut gallery style. but even i have my limits. i have a pretty good idea of the things that would really set off my closer associates. and so i usually dont bother bringing up those things. im talking about stuff like someone talking too much, or scaring visitors away, or stealing love interests. ya know, the stuff that would crush a person if i told them what i really think of them...

and dont assume that i am the only one who thinks like this. i know that i do stuff that pisses people off and i can sometimes tell when they bite their lip so they dont offend me. everyone does it. everyone passes judgment--even if they feel hypocritical about it. it is only human. so what is the big deal then? why cant we bring up certain things that really piss us off about our friends? isnt that the only way to resolve the situation and not let is fester and build up? even though i dont always follow it, i do believe people should bring these sorts of things up, at the very least so the other person knows about it and can try to minimize it when you are around. and really you would be doing them a favor since you are probably not the only person to notice it...

so what? so people hold grudges without ever telling the other person. who cares, right? the fact of the matter is, you have to decide whether holding a secret grudge is a fair trade for the uncomfortable revealing conversation.

as for me, i will continue to poke fun at my anonymous friends for all the blog-reading sheep...

let the paranoia begin...

CLASSY

2008-01-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

if there is one thing i know, it is school. i have lots of experience at it. in fact, most of my life has been spent at school. i never really minded it until i got to byu and had my first chemistry class. it was at that point that i didnt like school anymore. which is why i became a teacher.

you see, school doesnt suck nearly as much when you control every aspect of the classroom. no one is there to tell you what to do, how to do it or why you are wrong. instead, you get to do it to others. what goes around comes around (although, in this particular instance, the order is reversed).

so what is it like molding minds like silly puddy? bouncy. by that i mean, every day i witness something new that i never would have expected. here are a few (mild) examples completely stipped of context:

"when i grow up i want to work at an elementary school so i can meet chicks."

"you nasty. you farted in the bathroom."

"im allergic to peanuts." "why?"

"i can taste it in my mouth!"

"im gonna eat it without swallowing."

"what month is may?"

"...and for some reason it was christmas."

ah, the future is bright.

MIS-ADVENTURES IN WINTER TRAVELS

2008-01-08T09:16:00.002-07:00

so i went home for chirstmas like i usually do. only this year i decided to only go home for a few days instead of the more traditional few weeks. this is mostly due to my work schedule, but is also due to my inability to entertain myself at home for such a long period of time. 4 days was all i got/needed to enjoy my trip. well, i should clarify that the trip itself was good but the traveling part was less than good. perhaps even bad.

to start out, my flight was scheduled for dec 24 (supposedly the busiest travel day of the year) at about 11am. i didnt have to check in luggage so i left about 3 hours before my flight figuring that would be plenty of time to get through security and such. after about 30 minutes of driving i realized that my ticket was sitting on my desk. so i turned around and, going about 90 mph, got home, got the ticket and got back on the road. i continued to go 90 mph all the way to the airport, passing cars and cops alike (and i still didnt get pulled over. honestly, what DO utah cops do?) and i made it to the airport about an hour before my flight was scheduled to leave, thinking that i was never going to make it through security on time. but it turns out that the christmas rush was about three days earlier when byu/uofu/uvsc all got out of school. i breezed through security in five minutes.

everything was looking up as i boarded my flight to reno, nevada... where i spent three hours waiting for my connection to seattle (by the way, reno was also dead... i had an entire wing to myself. no one was there to witness me make a mess of my $7 sub sandwich). it was for this very reason that i bought a new 80 gig zune. unfortunately, it was scheduled to arrive via ups later that day. luckily, i still had my 1/2 gig sandisk and happily listened to metallica's "black," ac/dc's "dirty deeds done dirt cheap," tool's "10,000 days," some flyleaf album i found, and a mix of wolfmother songs, all while trying to figure out how to take off the auto-fill option while texting on my new cell phone. and my flight was delayed, so i listened to "10,000 days" again. i got to seattle at about 6pm.

in related news, my return trip took the regular 2 hours and i was home in time to for lunch.

in less related news, my car heater is frozen (i assume, it did the same thing last year) and i had the thrill of my life yesterday as i tried desperately to scrape away the ice that was rapidly forming on the inside of my windshield as i drove through byu traffic with this much [......] visibility. luckily, i had a half gallon bottle filled with hot water under my coat to keep me warm...

in even less related news, i am planning a road trip to vegas in the spring (end of semester-ish) with some friends (moydie and i will be on motorcycles). let me know if any of you are interested.

SAVAGE BEASTS

2007-12-12T13:34:00.003-07:00

it has been a while since i have talked about music. so i thought i would, ya know, talk about it. first, lets start with some of the musical events i have been to recently. last night i went to my sister's byu orchestra concert. she is a bassist. she's pretty good. much better than the rest of the orchestra anyway. i suppose that isnt fair. it is not an auditioned group so naturally you are going to get some people in there who just absolutely love music and love to play, but who just simply arent very good at it. all in all, it wasnt bad. it was a step up from your average high school orchestra.

speaking of high school music groups, the highlight of the event reminded me of something that i did during a concert. while playing a really high note on my trumpet and standing on a chair with my legs locked, i passed out and fell on top of the trombone section.

last night's mishap happened after the first song. a second violinist had positioned her chair a little too close to a stairway to the left of the stage. as one of the chair's legs scooted to the edge of the stairway, she very slowly began to fall. in desperation she grabbed the dress of a fellow second violinist and temporarily stopped her fall. that is, until her contemporary started scooting backwards as well. the second second-violinist went heels over head in her best black dress, taking with her a microphone stand, and landing atop the first second-violinist. and the crowd cheered. (it was one of those "you-didnt-die-so-we-get-to-laugh-at-you" moments).

then there was the director. i have been in several musical groups, and i can never understand a director who gets really "into it." you know what im talking about. they get up there and wildly swing their baton about as though they are warding off some invisible flying creature; every once in a while they point at a random section as if they might forget that they are playing; they raise and lower their hands vigorously because they arent quite sure if the clarinets know how to read the dynamic markings on the sheet music; and they have crazy hair.

in my opinion, directors like that are entertaining to some, but insulting to those who actually know how to read music. during a performance, the director is pretty much just a human metronome ("cracked pepper with your cowbell, sir?") and unless the band is actually filled to the brim with idiots who dont know the first thing about music, they should never "get into it" (i also dont like musicians who "sway" or gamers who contort the controller--it really doesnt help).

anyway, on to my brother's concert. my brother is a freshman at byu. he is actually really good. major universities fought over him. and for what? to have him join a non-auditioned concert band? nope. my high school alma mater has one of the best high school jazz programs in the country. we have played and recorded with some of today's finest jazz professionals. world class musicians request to work with this ensemble. ok, so this probably means nothing in today's over produced hip-hop society. but the second jazz band wins major competitions all the time so the first band must be good, right?

anyway, my freshman brother is the lead trumpet in byu's jazz synthesis (byu's premiere jazz band).

so i went to the synthesis christmas concert (they also have an over-zealous director, but not to the same degree as the orchestra dude. but this is probably due to his prosthetic legs). now, i know more about jazz bands than i do about orchestras so i'll keep this simple. the band as a whole is really good. they have some very talented musicians in the band (my brother being one of them). they were tight and together; they played the complicated sections almost flawlessly; dynamics were solid; and they had a good sense of rhythm, balance and blending. the main complaint i had was their improvisation.

frankly, it was somewhat lacking. the soloists had very little variety in style and played the same handful of mid-ranged notes the entire time. not to mention they all used similar repetitive riffs as "fillers" until they could think of something more interesting to play. according to my brother they dont spend much time at all on improv. i guess the director finds it less important than those others thing i just said. but improv is the basis of jazz. that is where it begins. i could understand if the director didnt think it was important and kept the improv to a minimum, but every song had at least five featured soloists. that's more than some high school jam sessions! and it seemed like the solos were mostly going to the upper classmen (who in theory should be better than the lower classmen, although they failed to support that theory) rather than to the most qualified.

they also decided to bring in a half-rate professional vocalist who luckily only "scatted" once. in general vocalists irritate me. sure, every one hates the stereotypical lead singer of a band who thinks he is god's gift to women and rock and roll, who can no more sing on key than pluck out a chord on a piano. but jazz singers are equally annoying to me. anyone who doesnt know how to read music or play a single chord or scale on at least one instrument has no right scatting. ever. and even if you can do those things it doesnt mean you are good.

i hate it when a singer gets the lime light when the true talent is standing right behind him. "but he writes such wonderful lyrics." fine. keep your lyrics where all "great" literature belongs--in a book. music has very little to do with lyrics and i am disappointed that pop culture has forgotten this and we reward those who can rhyme and talk fast with grammy's and hail them as musicians. they are not musicians. they are vocalists at best. musicians play instruments. vocalists mimic them. dont believe me? where do you think scatting came from? wino's?

so why does this irritate me so much? it is simple really. anyone can sing. really, anyone who can talk can learn how to sing. the amount of musical knowledge it takes to sing is slightly above zero. the amount of musical knowledge it takes to sing well is equivalent to a novice instrumentalist. the amount of musical knowledge it takes to sing professionally is equivalent to a novice instrumentalist. why? because they dont need to know how modes work, or how keys are formed, or how chord progressions can be altered. they dont even need to know how to transpose or transcribe. instrumentalists do (charlie parker was mocked off stage in a jazz club in new orleans because he couldnt play a certain song in a certain key). vocalists can get by with natural talent and singing by ear (i.e. frank sinatra). it takes years of practice and study to even become a novice instrumentalist (like my sister's orchestra). they will never become professionals and never teach more than private lessons on the side. but they have put more time and effort into their craft than your average "professional" singer.

NEW QUERK

2007-11-27T12:24:00.001-07:00

i think just about every one has an uncommon viewpoint on some obscure topic. for years older generations thought jazz was the devil's music. now most people think jazz is one of the more innocent genres of music (you'd never see fats domino pimping out crack whores to pay for his next record. nor would frank sinatra ever sing about his "gang" affiliations). but that is a poor example of what im talking about. how about converting all 4-way stops to round-abouts? or making basic traffic violations felonies? or putting fluoride in the water (or not)? arming police with non-lethal potato guns? instead of using animals for vital scientific testing just use members of peta...?

i only agree with some of those. im not saying which...

i recently watched an HBO special on ingrid newkirk. she is middle aged, blond, divorced, british, atheist, vegan, obsessive, compulsive, imposing, quirky, fanatical, conniving, condescending, self-righteous, and is the head of a domestic terrorist organization called peta.

i am continually surprised by the number of people sucked into her campaign. she uses tactics such as trespassing, slander, destruction of private property, and vandalism to get what she wants (that's called domestic terrorism). some say she is a saint for speaking for animals who cant speak for themselves (unless she is Mrs Doolittle, i think they might be exaggerating a bit). i say she is a miss-guided vigilante with too much time and money to waste on her cause ("but her cause is so good and holy. she is the next nelson mandela." im sorry but the ethical treatment of animals is no more equal to the civil rights movement than the war in iraq is equal to "Nam." (similarities ≠ "equal") ).

and how dare they equate it to the holocaust.

think about it, science can only progress through proper testing. and proper testing almost always requires test subjects. small animals are the perfect test subjects prior to human testing. and for those of you who think that i am heartless and cruel to the core, just so you know, not all testing is dangerous or even painful. in fact, most scientific testing is neither. if you take away proper testing we will never find a cure for AIDS and cancer and TB and so on. tell me, which is the greater good?

ok, so let's talk about the slaughter houses she has infiltrated and "spied" on. they talk about isolated incidents where animals are mistreated before they are killed as if that is the norm. well, that is not the norm. for instance, at a turkey factory they put the birds on a conveyor belt before they are killed. peta's complaint is that the men pick up the birds by their feet and put them on the belt too forcefully and too quickly and some of the birds fall off the belt. i dont know how much you know about birds, but i used to raise chickens growing up (we would even kill and eat them) picking them up by their feet is not uncomfortable for them and it actually puts them to sleep. and as for falling off the belt, well i personally think that any creature that can fly (albeit only for short distances) can handle a 3-foot drop.

their only valid complaint that they actually had evidence of was an isolated incident where an employee kicked a turkey that had fallen off the belt. that should not have happened and i think butterball would agree that that type of behavior should not occur in their facilities.

the thing that really irritates me (other than the fact that they are so self-absorbed that you cant have a reasonable discussion with them. they are so convinced that they are right that they have no room for an actual debate--only mandates and ultimatums) is their method of protesting. it is all glamorized self-righteous illegal activity (did i mention public nudity?). and their targets? people that either dont want to talk to them in person (and who can blame them) or have cancelled an appointment. so naturally peta has the right to retaliate for the inconvenience through destroying the private property of those who have been so terribly rude.

if you support peta then you let the domestic terrorists win.

RETURN OF THE RAVING RABBID

2007-11-12T13:08:00.001-07:00

so i had a dream a couple months ago about a certain stuffed bunny. and i wrote about it. well, i decided to pay tribute to the great yahtzee and make a video about it too. enjoy.

THAT THING THAT'S GOING AROUND

2007-10-28T19:34:00.002-07:00

so i have recently taken to drinking hot chocolate. call it seasonal depression if you want to. i just like putting as much junk food as i can into a mug and calling it a drink (cocoa, milk, candy bars, marshmallows, chocolate syrup, caramel syrup, and, my personal favorite, mint chocolate chip ice cream.) besides, can you really call something that sears your taste buds off a "comfort food?" i didnt think so.

seasonal depression is just an excuse to wear poorly knitted sweaters and listen to christmas music 4 months prematurely. (i hope that by now everyone has realized that i am not actually describing seasonal depression. i am actually describing "middle-aged house-wife syndrome.")

that's right MAHWS is real and is plaguing our nation. you probably know people who are afflicted with MAHWS. i have relatives who have been struggling with this disease for years. nothing is harder on a family unit than finishing a nice picnic/bbq at the local park and as you start lighting the fireworks grandma starts singing "silent night..." and makes the baby cry. sure, she may blame it on the senility, but she isnt fooling anyone. MAHWS is a lifetime disease and she is a carrier.

perhaps you have experienced it yourself. have you ever found yourself laughing at a joke with a little more diaphragm than usual thus shaking your belly like a bowl full to the brim with jelly? or perhaps you wake up in the middle of the night only to find that you have a sugar plumb in your mouth and "up on the roof top" stuck in your head.

this is what you need to do if you suspect someone to have the illness. set up your living room as though it is christmas eve. if they are actually afflicted then they will just go with it no matter what time of year (or even time of day) it is. by now they will be so far gone that there is no reasoning with them. they will appear to smile constantly but it will be a more of blank grin than actual happiness. they will also sing every holiday song they know. and when they run out of songs they will likely start singing songs from other faiths or even just make up new songs all together. just sing with them. it will help keep them calm before the next part, thus making it more effective.

the next part is where you have some freedom. basically you need to kill santa.** you can do it any way that you want. i recommend something like having a dummy come down the chimney and land on a bear trap. you can also have an animal attack him (a reindeer would be the most effective but a dog or badger will work too) or simply shoot him in the head yourself. the point is that it is a bloody mess and the victim becomes so traumatized that they never want to celebrate a major holiday again.

PTSD > MAHWS.

** do not attempt on children under 12

SITE METER

2007-10-16T12:32:00.000-07:00

so it has been about two months since i last wrote something worth reading. that is, unless some of you were able to decifer my "nervous breakdown...." just kidding. it was real.

about three days ago i looked at my site meter and realized that people have stopped checking my blog as regularly. so i decided to do an experiment: wait to write and see how long it will take for people to stop looking all together. as you can see im a horrible scientist.

so i guess i should prolly say what ive been up to. back in august i took that other job i mentioned. i also kept the other two i already had. for about 4-5 weeks i was working about 70 hours a week. (hence the "nervous breakdown") but i have since quit best buy even though the schedual says otherwise. i suppose i should go and officially quit, but the longer i postpone it the longer i get to use my employee discount...

as for my other jobs, they are going well. i have no days off though, which kinda sucks. but at least i like my jobs. and i get paid holidays and sick days and such.

so, now that i work a reasonable 45 hours a week, what do i do with my free time? well, halo 3 came out. that was pretty cool. but i have since moved on to even more destructive cartoon violence. two things have occupied my time: a cartoon i made and "the orange box."

first, the less mysterious cartoon. i made all the pictures in photoshop and recorded the music and so on in about 10 hours. originally i did them separately without considering putting them together, but the cartoon needed some sound so i just threw the song in for fun. enjoy.

so, what's in the orange box? it is a compilation of games including my personal favorite first person shooter: half life 2. but it also has two very cool bonus games which i think even non-gamers will at least find interesting. the first is greatest puzzle game since myst. the most interesting part about this puzzle game is that it is in the style of a first person shooter.

just remember, the cake is a lie.

the other game is team fortress two. the simplest way to describe this game is to say it is a cross between halo and the incredibles. this is cartoon violence at it's best. (seriously, this is the funnest multiplayer game i've played in years.)

ok, let the experiment begin.

IMPORTANT UPDATE

i dont normally update entries post facto (as opposed to updating entries pre facto) but in light of what i wrote up there ^ i have no choice but to post this. btw: he swears.

ok, back to the experiment.

PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCE

2007-09-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

on the plus side of working a 15 hour shift today, apparently i met this guy.

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

2007-09-05T20:58:00.001-07:00

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MONY MONY

2007-08-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

this is me using all of my free time to write a blog.

ICEY DEAD PEOPLE

2007-08-18T18:58:00.001-07:00

"you are a unique individual... just like everybody else." some how i found a way to make this my motto in high school. i think it had something to do with my newly acquired sarcastic/morbid/disaffected sense of humor. i enjoy things that make fun of things that other people enjoy. this is also about the time i started to follow websites like despair.com and the very prestigious darwin awards.

many people have theories about why i am the way i am. i have dozens of hobbies. wrestling, hockey, rock music, jazz improvisation, trumpet, sax, clarinet, bass, piano, music composition, graphic design, pencil drawing, movie making, video games, motorcycles just to name a few. but i dont really seem to need much in the way of social interaction. in high school i usually spent my free time on one the above things all by myself and i was perfectly happy doing so. it wasnt until my second year of college that i decided having close friends would be a good thing. so i started making time for them. but i never considered it a need. more of a guilty pleasure.

i know im weird. i know i have issues with certain things. but i refuse to believe that it is all my dad's fault.

people are funny. they see some one else with similar issues and automatically assume that the cause must be the same. why do you think both adhd and depression among high school students exploded in the mid 90's? because some one had a son who couldnt sit still, took them to the shrink and that's what the doctor told them. that's not to say that the doctor copped out and just went with an easy answer. no, the kid probably did have adhd. the problem comes when the kids mother starts telling all of her bingo buddies that they finally took her kid to a psychologist and he fixed everything. so the other mothers start saying "oh, you know what, i think jonny has the same thing. what were his symptoms?" then the mother starts spitting out a list of things that virtually any kid is guilty of and the other mothers blow it out of proportion, and all of a sudden everyone has adhd and a shrink on speed dial.

so what does this have to do with my dad? i have noticed that the media has a simple formula for today's bread-winning american dads. work-aholics who dont care about their delicate children and can never keep a promise to attend a recital or tournament or whatever. the children are all the same too. they are so distraught by the fact that daddy has to work during one of their many extra-curricular activities which they somehow have decided is more important than the rest of them and never speak to their father again. at this point the father has an epiphany and decides to risk loosing his job and puts the well being of said children in jeopardy because, dammit, enough is enough. and that is basically the best argument he can come up with as he slips in the back of the theater just in time to witness his child's big moment dancing to the theme of peter and the wolf. and it is at this pivotal point that i vomit.

the reality is i was one of those children. sort of. ok, maybe my dad was one of those dad's. sort of. my dad was very busy. during most of my childhood he was a doctor and a bishop and so on. he would get up at 4am and be gone before the kids were up, and he wouldnt get home until 8-9 ish. basically he was never home. one day some one asked me (at about the time i acquired my sarcastic/morbid/disaffected sense of humor) if it was hard for me to never see my dad because he was gone so much. to which i replied, "huh?"

i had never noticed. even when i was a kid and i watched movies and tv shows like the one i described above i never actually thought "wait a second! that is just like my dad! grrr, i hate him now. thank you hannah barbera for enlightening me to the ways of truth."

to all of you who read this and think that daddy is to blame for all that is wrong with you and that is why you have to get tattoos and go to raves to find your niche in life as a non-conformist as you drink coffee in the local star-bucks pissing on "the man" with all of your other non-conformist friends with the same eye-shadow as you, i say if daddy didnt love you enough when you were pure and innocent then i cant imagine your current behavior is helping the situation. which is why you are spiraling into self-loathing and depression (notice that i didnt say chemical depression; your depression has more to do your self-destructive behavior and chosen lack of self esteem and NOT your serotonin levels). so stop living your storybook tragedy and "grow up."

IT’S A MAD MAD (INSERT SYNONYM FOR MAD) MAD LIB

2007-08-08T11:53:00.001-07:00

i have been wanting to write this (noun) for a (adjective) long time. i have never tried (verb) one of these before. here it (verb).

a few (measurement of time) ago some (nouns) and i went to see (pg-13 animated movie). it was very (adjective). it was like a (type of young animal) on (drug/supplement/performance-enhancing-somethingerother/herb). or maybe it was like a (favorite adjective about bleeding/dying) (type of young animal) in the circus. no, it was (definitely/probably/sometimes/sort-of) the first one.

so anyways, (pg-13 animated movie) was worth (verb). i will probably go and (verb) it again when it (verb) to the (adjective) theater.

but not all of my (nouns) could come to (pg-13 animated movie). i dont know if "could" is the right (noun) to use here. technically, they "could" have (verb). but (nagging wife) forbade it. (female pronoun) insisted they shouldnt go because it was (inappropriate adjective). more specifically, (10 year old boy from pg-13 animated movie) shows his (animated anatomical feature) during (pg-13 animated movie).

i guess it is good to know who wears the (article of clothing) and that (10 year old boy from pg-13 animated movie) has bigger (animated anatomical feature) than (male pronoun).

EXAMPLES

2007-07-27T14:31:00.003-07:00

since i have lived in utah i have seen some of the crappiest drivers in my life. oh, they top anything i ever saw over seas. other countries may be aggressive and angry when they drive, but at least they are paying attention. most of utah's drivers are either on cell phones or talking to a passenger or having their own sing-along (gotta keep the chops up to par for men's chorus).

time for some examples. one time i was trying to turn left in an intersection in my car and the light turns yellow. since i am in the middle of the intersection waiting i expect to be able to turn before the cross traffic starts coming. but wait, there is an idiot in a roll cage on wheels gunning it through the intersection. luckily, i see him/her before i start turning and they run the red by about 2 seconds. as you may know, 2 seconds is considerably longer than the pause between red lights and the next green lights. as he/she clears the intersection cross traffic starts coming (apparently they are all idiots too since they didnt see my car sitting in the middle). so i did the only thing i could to avoid an accident--i gunned it and almost hit the cross traffic. and guess who everyone honks at....

the worst one i ever saw, though, involved a pedestrian. it was after dark and i was waiting to go straight through an intersection. to my right was a pedestrian also waiting. when the light turns green a car in the left turn lane guns it through the intersection trying to beat myself and the pedestrian. we both let him win.

now, it could be that the bubble is the source of all this stupidity since there are about 30,000 students in about a 5 mile radius. in fact, i was absolutely sure that this was the main reason for the chaos. until this morning.

on my way to work i was just riding my motorcycle, minding my own business, when along comes a dodge charger police vehicle trying to merge into my lane with ME still occupying it. he didnt even use his blinker!

it must be the water.

/WRIST

2007-07-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

i just finished an ELEVEN hour work day on this many (/holds up five fingers) hours of sleep. i cant decide whether im more hungry or more sleepy or more achy-breaky.

NEW POST

2007-07-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

i assume most of you know my current working situation. for those who dont know, here is the scoop. in the mornings i work at a high school/hospital teaching computer classes and in the afternoons i work at best buy in the geek squad. i have two name tags that qualify me as a geek. that doesnt mean that im actually good at what i do. but i dont let that stop me from doing it. in fact, i have had some pretty good blunders at both jobs.

really, having two jobs isnt that terrible. im constantly busy and, therefore, constantly getting paid to either fix computers or teenagers. for example, this week and next will put me at about 100 hours! 73 of which will come between tuesdays (73 hours / 8 days = 9 hours/day -- and thats just the average!). not to mention i dont get any real days off for at least two weeks ("free-days" are for whimps and commies) whats not to like? i mean, this sunday i get to go to best buy to help count inventory from 6pm to 1am. (counting stock software is the best, it is constant and easy to handle) and then i get to get up to teach at 8am! awesome! additionally, i really get to stay on my toes all the time (and feet) since i rarely know what im doing well enough to actually do it with confidence. it's the challenge that drives me. and who doesnt like constant correction or always asking for help with anything and everything. at least they are paying attention to me.

well, i got a very interesting phone call today from my boss at the school. he called me at the end of one of my classes and i didnt have time to ask a bunch of questions but this much he did tell me: "we would like to extend to you a full time position with benefits."

i have weighed the options very carefully all day (i even took the "extra-long way home" from work to think about it) and based on the info i have it comes down to this: taking the job would be best for me in almost every way, but it would completely screw over the geek squad (which i would really hate to do, since i am the only one with my job title at the moment, they are already short-handed, and they just invested lots of time to train me, and the clincher--my roommate helped me get the job).

i honestly dont know what to do.

A PATHETIC

2007-07-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

some say im laid back and easy going. they say i roll with the punches (occasionally i punch back) and i dont let stuff bother me. eh, i say im just apathetic.

honestly, there are few things that really irritate me enough to get an immediate reaction. most of the time when some one does something to really piss me off i get so frustrated that i have a hard time formulating my rage into a coherent sentence. the result is that i appear to either not care or not have a spine. but in reality i just need some time to process the situation a little bit and cool down before i lay into them.

"does that mean you are a little slow?" no. it is all about context. to be slow i would have to react this way to all external stimuli. but those of you who have had the pleasure (or misfortune for some) to hang out with me know that i thrive on spur-of-the-moment wise cracks at anyone or anything around me.

case and point. the other day a friend was visiting us and was playing the new zelda game on the wii. (he was married a year ago, moved away for a while, then moved back. apparently certain majors are dead ends in and of themselves. so they are working towards masters degrees.) he commented that he would need to pick up his wife soon. and then my roommate commented on a creature in the game, to which he responded "it is so annoying and ugly." to which i replied, "so, why are you going to pick her up?" he let out a single laugh and said "i hate you."

where was i? oh ya, apathy. you see, i used to care about stuff and get all worked up over things but i decided it was better for my health (and the health of those around me) to not care.

TWO THINGS

2007-07-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

FIRST: i just watched transformers. awesome. great solid movie with good action, good characters, ample humor (including witty references to the original cartoon series (im going to start using "i think there is more than meets the eye with you" as a pickup line)), and the first time i can ever recall an emotional attachment to a camaro being pinned down by multiple helicopters with giant harpoons. this movie seriously rocked.

however, i am thoroughly disappointed that the toy industry completely botched it. plastic? who the crap wants a plastic optimus prime, or bumble bee, or even jazz? seriously? is the war in iraq so bad that we have to collect all the metal we can for bullet shells? the best christmas present i ever received as a kid was a solid metal transformer (i dont even remember which one it was; i remember it was a red sports car). i played with that thing for hours a day for years. it was the best toy i ever had. there is no way a plastic replica could possibly withstand the abuse my metal one went through.

but the movie is still great.

SECOND: i hate flaky people.

BOOK-O-SUPPLEMENTS

2007-07-05T12:27:00.001-07:00

i have a book of random stuff i dont want to loose. it is blue and weathered and water-logged. i did loose it once. it happened during my last move, but i found it a few weeks ago. as much as i like my book-o-supplements there is only one thing inside of it that i actually care about. everything else is just kinda cool to read every once in a while.

when i was in high school i took an english composition class. it was supposed to be college level or something. anyway, i struggled in that class mostly because i was a very inconsistent writer. when i was interested in the topic i would actually try and do really well. otherwise, i just sucked it up. well, we were given an assignment to describe a life-changing moment in our youth. something pivotal. something that developed character or interests. well, i wrote my paper the night before it was due (i stayed up pretty late too. maybe that's why it was a "college level" class...) and had a friend proof-read it at a party. she said it was one of the best papers she had read in a while and started quoting it. weird.

so i turned it in, and the teacher reacted in much the same way. i thought it was cool because i would finally get an 'A' on an assignment. but it really pissed off a girl in my class. she was a book-worm and worked really hard on every assignment, yet she managed to get a worse grade than me. one of those 'prodigal son's older brother' situations.

anyway, im going to post the paper below because im afraid i might loose my book again and im sure some of you will like it. i dont expect any great reviews since im no longer in high school. also, i appologize in advance for the use of the phrase "all the vigor of my being" (i did actually think it was an original thought. at least it isnt "fiber of my being"). enjoy.

THE HUNT

Stealthily, I hunted my victim. I sprang into the air with the force of a tiger, tackling my prey, bear-hugging him with a vengence. He had entered my territory--my realm. Strapping my paws around his torso, I felt him quiver with the realization of my attack. I could not let him go--not this time. He squirmed viciously in an attempt to be rid of me, but to no avail. We struggled our way to the ground; rolling in chaotic patterns across the marked-off expanse. I grabbed ahold of his leg and threw him with all the vigor of my being. His weakened body hit with a sickening thud. I pounced again. Having my arms wrapped around his head and arm, I squeezed the remaining thoughts of escape from his mind. Losing all hope of regaining strength, he slowly lowered his shoulders to the ground.

Slam!

What happened? I looked around. Next to us was the referee, anxious to get us off of the mat. I jumped up, helped my opponent to his feet and awaited for my hand to be raised. Sweat poured off of my 105 pound, 5th grade body, boiling like a natural hot spring, muscles tensed with adrenaline. Confused with the thoughts and emotions that had possessed my mind only moments before, i walked toward the judges' table and loosely signed the bout sheet with my trembling hand.

A husky body approached with burning eagerness. He had been yelling at the top of his lungs on the sideline trying to wrestle for me, but I had become oblivious to his cries. He put his steel-framed hands on my tingling, scrawny shoulders, his forehead slick with perspiration. Staring into his deep brown eyes--as I had done so many time before in hopes for approval--I nervously awaited his response to my match. In a solid, satisfied voice he said, "That's it. That's how you wrestle."

COCKED

2007-07-02T21:41:00.003-07:00

i just figured something out. i dont write much anymore and i think it is because over time my posts have been aimed at entertaining people who might read this. that's not to say i dont like it when people read my blog, i have just noticed that i have slowly started writing for the readers and not myself. so what is the difference? i rant a lot more when i dont think people will read something.

so, here i go.

i played my trumpet today for the first time in about six months. i stopped playing regularly last summer because i got tired of people complimenting me on my 'incredible ability to improvise' when they dont know the first thing about it.* ignorance is bliss. apparently they didnt notice what the byu music program did when i auditioned for the jazz band and didnt make it. the fact is, im not that good. shut up, i mean it. my technique sucks, i have a crappy armature, and i cant play very high. i have a decent sense of rhythm and style, but im sloppy. i have developed a technique over the years of guessing the chords rather than taking the time to actually figure them out. in other words, i got pretty good at playing by ear.

i know how to read music and chord progressions very well. im just lazy. you see, when i first got into jazz (8th grade) i got some play-a-long cds and just played the same thing over and over for hours. i would simply figure out the root chord and only play that. i had a great time just playing whatever the crap i wanted. but it didnt help me get any better. long story short, i use a more sophisticated version of that same model.

well, today just reaffirmed the effectiveness of that system so long as i only play along with cds. i suppose it is enough to impress those who dont know any better.**

for most of my life i have struggled with accepting compliments. i used to fight it. i would actually argue with the person and downplay anything nice they might have to say about me. this brings me to the one personality i truly hate. and i mean hate.

cocky people.

i knew a kid in high school, named brandon, who was just that. he was the lead sax in the jazz band and had a passionate romp with a very popular girl. so naturally he thought he was god's gift to anything and everything. that's all im going to say about him. he was the second person i ever hated.

the first person was a basketball player in 6th grade, named adam. he actually tried to convince me that basketball was a full contact sport. me!?! i was a freaking wrestler. i know what full contact is and i refuse to believe that a sport that penalizes you for touching some one's hand is great. sorry, paige. basketball sucks.

anyways, because i loath cocky people i often try to do the opposite. not because im humble. hardly. im a pretty cocky bastard myself. and it is one of the things i hate most about myself.

so, im sure i have offended some of you. if i have, eh, you'll probably get over it. if you dont get over it, then stop reading my blog.

* jazz is a lost art. im sorry for those of you who read this thinking "i know what jazz is. i love jazz. big bad voodoo daddy is awesome. nora jones has an amazing voice. swing dancing if fun." the fact is, most people who like "swing" are dorks that dont know the first thing about it. just take a walk through the HFAC and you'll see what i mean. if you can tell the difference between maynard ferguson and jon faddis then you might know what you are talking about. anyone ever heard of sammy nestico? buddy rich? mingus? the duke? didnt think so.

** dont even get me started on vocalists.

HELL'S LITTLE ANGELS

2007-06-19T11:49:00.001-07:00

so, i have my bike. and i like it. but there have been a few mishaps already. first, i ran out of gas riding to spanish fork. but as soon as i figured it out i remembered that my bike has a reserve tank; so i only spent a few minutes on the side of the highway.

also, my bike gets about 45 mpg.

later in the week i got a call from the honda dealer letting me know that my license plate came in (yup, i only need/get one). on my way back i rode down center street at 15 mph and hit a screw with my rear tire. im not sure how my front tire missed it, but the outcome would have been the same. karma seems to be holding a grudge. so i had the dealer fix it for me (i know, you are probably thinking "you of all people should know how to change a tire." well, it is a little more complicated on a motorcycle than on a car. you have brakes and shocks and stuff on both sides of the tire. and you cant just prop it up with a jack and expect it to stay still.) they finished it the next day with barely enough time for me to pick it up before they closed.

one thing that any biker can tell you about is the "biker salute." it is pretty simple. whenever you ride past another motorcyclist you make a sloppy peace sign with your left hand. most people will keep their hand on the handle bar, but some will let go and drop their hand to the side to do it. but never, ever do it to someone on a scooter. (in fact you probably shouldnt even mention this to them. i think it is a pretty sore subject. bikers have only recently started accepting bullet bikes (aka crotch rockets). the biker community just isnt ready to accept scooters. i guess they figure once they let scooters in, they have to start letting in riding lawn mowers too. then what? weed whackers? trollies? buggies? minivans?)

well, i tell you this because as i rode through mapleton one day a motorcycle cop rode past me and made the sign. i quickly returned the gesture.

ok, fine. my stories kinda suck so far. nothing incredible has happened yet (although i did ride the alpine loop this weekend. it was just dandy). and i hate leaving a blog without writing something interesting if i can help it. so here is a story of my dad's biker days.

when my dad graduated high school he had a honda 160cc. for those of you who dont know what that means, it is small. very small. scooter small. mine is a 750cc. so, naturally he decided to go on a cross country bike trip with his best friend. his friend's bike was the same size. somewhere in the mid-west they were riding down the highway just minding their own business when they nearly get run off the road by a guy in a convertable sports car (i guess they had those back then). soon after this happened, a pack of hell's angels sped past them and caught up the to sports car. they surrounded the car and started kicking it and spitting at the driver. terrified for his life, the driver picked up speed and left them in the dust.

my dad caught up with the biker gang at a gas station and thanked them and asked them why they did it. one of them said, "we bikers got to stick together."

RAVING RABBIDS

2007-06-10T12:03:00.001-07:00

i know i have already written several blogs this week, what with the whole purchasing of a motorcycle and all. but i had the most entertaining dream last night. i mean, this sucker was better than the one i wrote last july about the "portal to hell...and all that jazz."

so the dream starts out with me laying in bed asleep (go figure, sleeping in a dream. does that count as two sleep cycles?) when something wakes me up. i look around and find myself in my own bed but in a different room.

then i see a stuffed bunny on the other side of the room facing directly at me. nothing really special about this bunny in appearance. it is average size and blue in color. but then i notice that when ever i move my head and look at the doll from a different angle the head always faces directly at me.

so i try moving to different sides of my bed to see if my eyes are just playing tricks on me and the head keeps up with my every move. until i actually fall out of bed. it is at this point i see that the head-shifting doll is holding some papers in one hand and a revolver in the other. so i approach the bunny and take the papers from his hand. there are about 5 papers, hand written. almost immediately after taking the papers from the bunny's hand, it raises the revolver to its head and blows its brains out.

and then the alarm clock goes off before i get a chance to read the papers.

JOY RIDE

2007-06-09T21:10:00.001-07:00

this is my very first motorcycle ride. i thought you would all like to join in my joy, and bask in my awesomeness.

also, i like this picture of me on the bike. you'll want to see this in high rez.

LONE BIKER OF THE APOCALYPSE

2007-06-07T20:34:00.001-07:00

i...umm...bought this today. (for those of you who want to know it is an '07 honda shadow spirit 750, black with red pin-stripe flames.)

and yes, i have a helmet.

PARTNERS BLACKIE AND RED

2007-06-02T20:07:00.002-07:00

when i first thought about getting a bike this is what i figured i would get:

the honda rebel. a classic, so they tell me. one of the most reliable starter bikes in the market. the main complaint with this bike is that it is small. so some one my size is about all the weight it can handle. wonder why it has two seats then...

but still, it is supposed to be exactly what im looking for--an in-town commuter bike. and with a price tag of only 3 grand off the lot, its hard not to take it. but i probably wont.

if i go the small/cheap bike route i will probably go with this one:

the yamaha virago. similar to the rebel, but it is longer and wont give you leg cramps. also, it looks pretty.

but salesmen are smooth talkers and im considering a bigger bike. i mean, im not a small person, so its only logical right?

the first big bike i considered was the honda shadow.

just take the rebel and double every thing. especially the engine. the rebel is only 250cc. this bad boy starts at 600cc.

it is wide, heavy, and still a great starter bike. and it has tons of features and accessories.

but it only has 4 gears (dude, even the rebel has 5 gears. what the crap?). and according to consumer reports it has the most uncomfortable stock seat ever made.

so in order to ride on the freeway (which is the main difference between big and small bikes) i would have to upgrade even more to the 750cc model. the shadow spirit. same as the regular shadow, except for the bigger engine and the absolutely necessary fifth gear.

but there is still the seat issue...

so we move on to the yamaha V star. very similar in size and make to the shadow except for a slightly bigger engine (650cc) and it has a fifth gear. as for the seat, it felt very nice.

and it is roughly the same price (a couple hundred more than the shadow, but still under 6 grand).

so i think i have decided on the V star. so now all i have to do is decide between red and black...

oh and the safety course and riding test, yada yada yada. and let's not forget about leather jackets and chaps.

some day, little buddy. some day...

NUBIE ZOOBIE

2007-05-17T11:39:00.001-07:00

a couple summers ago, while i was still living at the villa, my friends moydie! and joe gibbs came knocking on my door proclaiming that they were driving to rexburg, ID and back down to provo that afternoon/evening and that i should come. having virtually nothing else to do for the rest of that sunday (i dont do firesides) i agreed. the purpose of the trip was to take the sister of a girl we all knew back to byu-idaho before her classes started the next day. an 'emergency road-trip' if you will.

well, the ride up was just dandy. we listened to one of the harry potter books on cd (i still have no desire to read them, and i think it is funny that adults think they are more intellectually stimulating than, say a video game, simply because they are books, completing ignoring the fact that they are written at a 6th grade reading level. that's right, they are children's books. not bad movies though.) and eating fresh cherries and spitting the pits at semi's. great fun.

we got to rexburg at about 9:30 pm. we decided to get out for a bit and stretch our legs before the trek home. so there we were, all dressed in casual clothing (most importantly, shorts) and i with a goatee on my face, just mingling with the natives. they, all dressed up for church and heading over to the recently vacated stadium (now only used for intramural sports and devotionals and snack/nap time) to sing hymns together, looked at us funny. you would think that we were streaking the way they looked at us. so, in hopes to find some normalcy and slightly more mature 18 year olds, we decided to visit with the girl's roommates for a while.

when we walked in the apartment we discovered a girl and a boy kissing. they are apparently in the rebellious crowd. we got along fine. until 10:30-ish came around and we were kicked out of the apartment. i guess the girls didnt want to be quarantined for a week for having guys in the apartment after bed-time. (no this isnt the dorms, this is for all of their single's housing). the thing that really gets me, though, is that everyone we talked to insisted that the rules arent that bad. but the fact that they feel like they have to say that (to byu-provo students no less) only makes it seem worse.

dont get me wrong, i hate lots of things about provo too. like the driving/traffic situation; several slightly less juvenile and demoralizing rules; all the molly-mormons and peter-priesthoods who think pink floyd is the devil; opening hymns in nutrition classes; and so on. but provo has had 4 years to work on its bitter after-taste. rexburg had 45 minutes.

besides, we'll always have jon heder to keep our dignity. (idaho may have spawned him, but utah educated him)

IDIOT BOX

2007-05-02T11:48:00.000-07:00

lately i have been watching more tv than usual. there are a few reasons for this. namely, "acceptable tv" and "extras."

first (because the alphabet says so), "acceptable tv." this is a new show on vh1 which is a cross between SNL and american idol. the producers create 5 short films (about 2-4 minutes) and viewers pick the ones they like best. the top two will get sequels the next week along with 3 new shows. most of the sketches are really funny. this is one of my favorites:

ok, that one was kinda creepy. but it is strangely entertaining. perhaps you will like a little 007 action.

glad to see im not the only one consumed by a mad dream. also, i think more things should come epuipped with a self-destruct device.

the next show, "extras," is a british comedy on HBO. everyone is familiar with "the office," right? good. well, england did it first on BBC. the star of the BBC version is also the star on extras. his character, andy, is an old washed up actor who gets signed for a really crappy british sitcom and he has a daily struggle with his conscience about whether he should quit with his integrity or continue getting paid doing something he hates. but dont worry, its really funny. one of the best parts about the show is that HBO manages to get big name guest stars for each episode. but since it is a show about showbiz, all of the actors and musicians play themselves. so far david bowie wrote a song about andy being fat and a bad actor, sir ian mckellon produced a gay play and andy was the star, orlando bloom tries desperately to convice a middle-age divorcee that he is attractive, and other appearances have been made by patrick stuart and good old harry potter. so, here is orlando defending his title as "god's gift to women" (note: he does say the F word once... sorry, its HBO).

i like that one, but it doesnt have the star of the show. so, here is david bowie making fun of andy:

maybe i should write a sitcom...

TEACHER! I NEED GO POOPY!

2007-04-24T12:38:00.001-07:00

funny story: when i was a kid we had a hard time keeping teachers for sunday school. i dont remember exactly why that was but the following may have had something to do with it. i remember getting to class early one day (along with the other kids) turning off all of the lights and propping a folding chair up against the doorknob. when the teacher came she couldnt get in. we suppressed our laughter enough that she didnt hear us and she went to get help. i dont remember exactly how long it was before we opened the door, but it was a while. and i dont recall them asking where the kids were...hmmm.

we did have one teacher that wised up to our antics and had some...creative solutions. he was short, heavy set, and very bald (he waxed it). i think his philosophy was "if the kids stay in the room it is a successful class." he was mostly successful. one particular boy, named aaron, was... wow i cant think of the word. he was more than a handful (satan in a box?). whenever aaron would get out of line the teacher would sit him next to his chair and put his hand on aaron's head. then he would give aaron a warning "if you move, i'll make you look like me!" sometimes aaron would challenge this warning and try to run away only to be brought back to his place next to the teacher by his golden locks. aaron just made one of those 'half laugh- half cry' sounds. the rest of us were pretty well behaved after that.

well, i got a calling in our ward recently. sunday school president. karma knows no bounds (and it is apparently very patient).

but that isnt the point of this entry. you see i also got a job recently. high school teacher (that's a whole different kind of karma).

the funny thing about becoming a teacher is that i have some friends who are getting their degrees in teaching and i, an exercise science major, beat them to it. and i'm not even teaching P.E. i teach the morning computer classes.

take that karma.

THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT

2007-04-05T11:50:00.001-07:00

"i need a drink," "i want to play video games," and "i need go poopy" were all i heard the last two days. (ya, that's a good attention-grabbing intro) you see, on sunday afternoon i got a call from my mother informing me that she, along with my two younger (teenage) brothers were coming down from seattle. its only a 14-15 hour drive, so why not, right? but before they make it to my house they are picking up my older brother's kids. some of you may recall my description of christmas break as this:

my brother's four children, between the ages of 2 and 8, were part of the reason for that description.

dont get me wrong, they are great kids and they are tons of fun to play with (dont worry, we didnt play pass with lil charlie this time). but holy crap im tired. the purpose of the trip was for my younger brother's audition into byu's music program (he is a trumpet player, and yes he is better than me...). so guess who got to take care of the kids while grandma was driving around town ===> ME!

i have baby-sat kids before, it has just been a while. a very long while. a "not since 9th grade" long while. and i was the sort of baby sitter that would just morph into a jungle gym until the kids were too tired to continue running amuck. i didnt mind then, and i really dont mind it now. im just getting old and out of shape, so continuously throwing children over my shoulder onto a pile of couch cushions for three and a half hours just isnt an option anymore.

so what did i do? guitar hero, half-life, world of warcraft, moydie's motorcycle, and pretending to take a nap while standing up. but that only works for so long. i did have to cook up some bbq chicken and hot dogs too. not to mention constantly filling cups with water and pink lemonade, which consequently opened a whole new can of worms: potty training!

let me paint the picture. i finally get the kids interested in a game on my computer (half-life) and adrian (4 years old) is playing while his sister rebecca (8 years old) watches when lil charlie (2 years old) walks in a says "uncle! uncle! i need go peepee! uncle!" to which i reply, "umm, ok." having never done this before, lil charlie describes the process to me. "you hold me! its a big seat! you hold me!" so that's exactly what i did. after washing his hands with soap (which he insisted was actually lotion) we went back to my computer and the other kids were still captivated by the dune buggy armed with a 5omm.

it is at this point that lil charlie notices my bag of pretzels. i give him a handful. not his size handful, my size handful. i figure this will keep him occupied for a while. after eating about three pretzels lil charlie announces "uncle! i need go poopy!" to which i reply "umm, ok." so i grab a paper towel and put the pretzels on it. as we walk to the bathroom lil charlie then says "dont worry! we wont leave you, pretzels!" the 'poopy procedure' and 'peepee procedure' were very similar until the very end. apparently lil charlie is learning the fine art of wiping. fantastic. but the hands of a two year old are only so precise. guess who gets to go in for round two ===> me! afterward he decided to use the 'big soap' instead of the 'lotion soap.'

in related news, this afternoon i am driving up to idaho falls for a family wedding. im hoping the ratio between adults and potty-training toddlers is higher.

GOOD OL' OSCAR

2007-03-25T11:11:00.001-07:00

yesterday was the FHE oscar's night for the second ward. i was invited to do an exibition video to be played during the judging of the entries. i actually started planning this video in the summer but i never got around to filming the live action scenes until this week. but now it is done and the oscar's are over so now i can post the video. if you want a higher quality copy of the video you will need to talk to me. enjoy.

MISINFORMED

2007-03-19T10:35:00.001-07:00

yesterday, i went to a friend's apartment to eat cookies. chocolate chip and butterscotch, if you must know. this is a pretty typical outing for myself and my roommates. pretty much every sunday we go, eat cookies, and make fun of the neighbors. good times had by all. except for the neighbors. unless they are masochists. which they might be. j/k roflmao /chuckle

anyway, while we were there a semi-regular cookie eater shows up. he chimes in every once in a while, trying to contribute to the wise cracks about how so-and-so's boyfriend is a "duh-duh-duh" (mind of mencia, for those of you who didnt get it right a way). and then he puts in his two cents about how eating right before going to bed is bad for you, makes you fatter, and you magically acquire more calories. and i shot him down.

it is a common view actually. i have heard it several times over the last few years. but it doesnt make any sense. his argument was this (and i assume he was just spitting out something he heard on the radio or something, like most people do about such things. they have no formulated opinions of their own, only borrowed information. but they sure do get defensive when someone calls them out on it) "when you eat the food and go to bed the calories get stored in the body, and they become harder to use, so you gain weight."

fine, i'll explain the process even further. you consume calories, you go to bed, your body's metabolism drops as does your caloric expenditure meaning you need less calories to run basic bodily functions like breathing and heart rate. the calories not used then become stored as glycogen and fat. fat takes more time to breakdown into usable glucose (which is where i think the theory comes from). so what is the effect on the body? you might become slightly more lethargic when you wake up.

you see, when it comes to gaining weight it comes down to a simple equation. calories consumed > calories used. that is it. when people say they have a glandular problem that prevents them from losing weight, what they mean is the glands are releasing a hormone which gives them a feeling of being hungry, or the glands fail to release a hormone that would have them feeling full after eating. either way the result is that they eat more food than they will use through exercise.

the idea that once calories are stored as fat they are never coming back is ridiculous. your body is constantly adding to and taking from your fat stores. it just happens to do it more quickly after a few minutes of aerobic exercise. so eating before you sleep has nothing to do with weight gain. calories weigh the same no matter how they are stored in the body. and even if it did affect the body in the way it was explained to me last night, i cant think of a single situation where it would cause significant weight gain. if you are eating right and exercising regularly, a few extra fat cells wont last more than a day anyway. and if you are obese then you have bigger issues than the time of day you are eating more than your share (no offense).

i just dont get health fads.

SUMPTHIN

2007-03-07T11:59:00.000-07:00

some of you may have noticed that i havent been posting as often as i used to. this is true. at one point i posted up to three times a week on two blogs. now im doing well to get one a week ... or so. some of you may have even asked why this is. well, to answer that i guess i should explain why i started this thing in the first place. last summer, as i sat at work, i realized my job is incredibly boring, and i have lots of down time. so i came across kat's "choose your own katventure" (still the best blog i have seen) and decided to give it a go. i mean, i really had nothing better to do.

so what does this have to do with not posting? well, i cant say that i have something better to do. im just not as bored anymore. since i finished my classes and consequently had to quit my job (it is for students only) i have found my self at home playing video games a lot more than usual.

with that said, at what point do you accept that your degree is useless and apply to the home depot?

HOOCHIE HOOCHIE HOOCHIE

2007-02-22T16:20:00.001-07:00

WARNING: ANY LADIES WHO READ THIS SHOULD DO SO WHILE WEARING GUY'S SHOES.

i have participated in and been the subject of several conversations concerning dating. it is awkward, really. usually it is not so much about dating itself as it is about not dating. i have been accused of not putting forth any effort and not asking girls out for superficial reasons. fair enough. however, in my defence i will say that 'dating' is not what it used to be and there are, in fact, alternatives to dating (at least in the initial stages of the relationship). you see, i can tell you within five minutes of a conversation with a girl if i will ever have any interest in ever possibly pursuing even a casual relationship with that girl. oh, i'm good.

with that said, get off your soap boxes about how hanging out is bad and first dates are good. the first date is a sham. you can get to know some one quite well with out the pressure of a good impression. besides, i have talked to older generations (much, much older, mind you). dating meant something quite different. when we say 'dating' we actually mean paired off. the older generations would say that you are dating anyone you take out with any regularity. even if that means twice. so you could be 'dating' several people at the same time. in other words, the definition of dating 50 years ago and the current definition of hanging out are actually defining the same thing.

and another thing, what is so wrong about girls asking guys out on dates? is it immoral or simply tradition? im guessing the latter. and if it is tradition and nothing more, where did it come from? who started it? i know. it comes from the same people who said that women have no place outside the home and shouldnt vote. that's right, ladies, the comfortable assurance that you have no real responsiblity over the initializing of a relationship comes from sexist pigs whom you normally detest. so, stop complaining about not being asked out as often as you would like and take some initiative. i know for a fact that most guys are perfectly comfortable with the girl asking them out, if only for the first date. which should be enough for you to let him know you are interested in him.

let me tell you a story of what i mean by girls complaining about dating. in high school i knew a good christian girl who happened to be dating someone in a city about 45 minutes north. this 'long distance' relationship resulted in her only seeing him every once in a while. so she would go a week or two without a single date! gasp! so, about 6 months or more into this relationship she complains to me that no boys ever ask her out. to which i reply "you do know that you are dating 'so-and-so' right?" "gasp! well, its not like im engaged or married or anything like that. guys can still ask me out." i hope you are all thoroughly disgusted by this argument. taking out another man's girlfriend while full well knowing she isnt available is one step below adultery in my mind. if i were in that position i would probably break up with the hoochie mama and grab the guy by the testicles and run away with them.

i feel better.

BELATED CHRISTMAS

2007-02-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

some of you may remember a post i wrote in december about my grandpa chopping off his finger and my grandma locking the car door with the engine running. well, i got a new one about said grand parents. i got a belated christmas card form them last week. im going to quote it, and while you read it, keep in mind that their names are charles and laura call.

"sorry this is so late, but we are now ancient and slow and if you want more excuses, we can think them up.
(card text: merry christmas and best wishes for the new year)
this card is torn from a 55 year old sample book of christmas cards and since -->
(card text: mr and mrs arthur watson)
are not your grand parents, ignore them and pay attention to us.
love always, grandma and grandpa call"

i love my grand parents.

ARE WE NOT ALL RODENTS?

2007-02-06T11:40:00.001-07:00

i had something really witty to say about provo being a rabbit hole. but i forgot what it was. so instead i am letting those of you who also read my music editorial know that i have updated many of my old posts with music videos. and for those of you who dont know about my music editorial, i have a music editorial.
http://www.papamudd172.blogspot.com/

AND I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MYTHBUSTERS

2007-02-02T14:44:00.001-07:00

let me just preface this clip by saying that none of us wanted to run for congress anyway.

just a side note, the music is by a group called "fade to bluegrass." they do bluegrass versions of metallica songs. look 'em up.

"YO, IT'S ME, B-MONEY"

2007-01-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

so, there is a guy that lives nearby. he calls himself "b-money." he also tries to sell people useless cell phone/internet plans. in fact, he tried to convince my roommates that his plan was better than the one we were using because we "would all be on the same plan!" his logic astonished even me. i mean, that would be awesome. forget having digital cable with a blazing internet connection for the same price as his plan. if we were all united in our cell phone plan we would be unstoppable. we would become "the fantastic five."

ok, enough of that. i saw him walking by yesterday and i thought of the music video he made.

i dont know what else to say.

SENIORITIS

2007-01-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

i did it. i totally just dropped ALL of my classes. i no longer go to byu. and the best part, i will still graduate in april.

2007-01-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

so i decided to go to work today at about noon. ya know, just cuz. i have no classes today and i work part time. so what on earth did i do all morning? this:

whaaa? what is this? well, maybe you should see part one.

i am such a nerd.

YET ANOTHER MISADVENTURE IN FAST FOOD

2007-01-16T13:37:00.002-07:00

today i tried the philly cheese steak burger at carl's jr. and decided i like it. how ever, this wasnt the first time i have eaten this burger. the first time i was too hungry to give an unbiased opinion. i had the 'shakes.' but this isnt because i am hypoglycemic (some times i do wonder, tho). no, it all started on a friday morning early last december while i was at work.

i was the only one at work besides my boss when my boss's boss's co-worker comes in and tells my boss to pick up a bale of straw for him. of course, he then delegates to me. so i figure i can leave at about 11:30 am, pick up the bale and then pick up something for lunch on my way back to work.

so i head out to a place called 'intermountain farmers association' (or some thing like that) out by the train tracks in provo. it turns out that they dont have any in stock. but they do have a shipment coming in later in the week. but that doesnt help me, so they suggest i go to some other place in spanish fork. but they dont give very good directions. so i make a wrong turn and have to turn around about 2 miles down the road.

i find the store. it is a lot like home depot and goodwill rolled into one convenient warehouse. it is like the opposite of a farmer's market. at first i felt a little out of place. but then i realized that i am wearing flannel and i have a beard. so i grab a shopping cart and head in.

i ask a store employee if they have any bales of straw and she says "ummm, i think all of the straw is gone. we wont get any for a while because all of the farmers are saving what they have for their own animals. so, your best bet would be to drive around the farms and ask if you can buy a bale off of them." i was less than thrilled about that proposition. i had no idea that there was a shortage of straw in december. but i would have expected my boss's boss's co-worker to know about it.

luckily, people in spanish fork are friendly. friendly enough to eaves drop on my conversation with the clerk and tell me a better way to get a bale of straw. a man with his wife actually calls his buddy to see if he has any straw. which he does. so now i have two options. i can either try to find this dude's farm in the middle of nowhere. or wait for him to make his delivery to another 'intermountain farmers association' store. i decide to try the store idea since i am using the company credit card and i dont expect a farmer to have a swipe machine at his farm house. just a hunch.

so the man and wife give me fairly good directions to the store and i am on my way. by this time i am really hungry. it is well after my usual lunch time. so i keep my eye open for any food establishments on my way to the store. as i follow the directions i notice my last turn a little too late. no worries, i tell myself. i can just turn around. about three miles down the road i finally find a cross road. right next to a hare krishna temple (which i have actually been to for my 'world religions' class).

so i turn around and go back to the store and pick up the third to last bale of straw they have in stock ($5.35 plus tax, i might add). by this time it is after one o'clock and i am nearly shaking with hunger. i am eyeing various types of bird feed and convince myself that it just isnt worth it. on my way back to the freeway i spot heaven in fast food form: carl's jr. but the line is insane. but i am too hungry to not stop. blast. so after another 20 minute wait in the drive through line and actually starting to shake with hunger, i finally get my philly cheese steak burger and scarf it down while im driving back to provo.

one week later my boss's boss's co-worker takes the bale of straw from the back of our truck...

INTER NUTS

2007-01-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

i dont really have anything to say. but i do have some cool stuff to post.

there is nothing better than combining my two favorite things from childhood: toys and fire. (do not show this to toddlers who watch sesame street.)

this one is in the name of science and a canadian christian church against drug abuse. (some of you may be offended by this.)

you ever wonder what the easter bunny thinks of the people he gives candy to? well, wonder no more. (if you were offended by the last clip, you will definately be offended by this one.)

everyone remembers 9th grade science class where your hippee chemistry teacher got really excited because he finally got access to pure sodium. and then proceeded to drop a chunk of it into a glass of water which instantly exploded. well, i offer you a 'one-up' to that. (no one should be offended by this clip.)

i present to you the next dimitri martin.

/CHUCKLE

2007-01-10T14:11:00.001-07:00

i just witnessed two middle aged men do the following: take ten feet of packaging bubble wrap and lay it on the floor; walk all over it creating lots of noise for 3 minutes; pick up the completely deflated bubble wrap and throw it away; did not even crack a smile.

contrast that with what i witnessed yesterday: co-worker's wife and one-year old daughter come in to pick him up from work; i pick up some keys and throw them about a foot and a half in the air and catch them; one year old daughter shouts "keeeeeyssssss" and laughs histerically.

i think i fall somewhere in the middle.

ONCE UPON A BLOG

2007-01-08T14:03:00.001-07:00

not too long ago i posted some videos that i made. some of those who left comments said that they would be interested in doing an oscar night again. well, i have good news.

i was asked to do another video for the annual 2nd ward oscar night to be played during the judging of the entries. my idea is great. but i need some things. i mostly need people. we will be doing some war scenes with pyrotechnics (dry ice bombs) and everything. i also need an eight year old boy (this is actually really important for the punchline). it is going to be awesome.

if you want to help, let me know.

HOLLY DAYS

2007-01-07T16:50:00.000-07:00

yup, there is only one way to describe my break.

HOW GOOD IS YOUR LOCKSMITH?

2006-12-21T13:40:00.001-07:00

i was about 10 years old when my grandparents came from pocatello, idaho to our seattle home. the purpose of their trip was that my dad needed some help turning our garage into a nice family room. my grandpa loves that kind of stuff so naturally he wanted to help.

my dad is very busy with his clinic and such, so my grandpa would do as much as he could by himself while my dad was at work. and when my dad returned he would help with the hard stuff. for this project my dad bought a brand new table saw. it was nice, but it had one of those pesky safety flaps to keep you from touching the moving blade with your hand. but that didnt stop ol' grandpa.

i was in the other room watching tv when grandpa came in with a towel around his hand. "hey kids come look at this!" he had nicked his pinky finger. it took off all of the skin and most of the muscle to the bone. it was just gross enough to instantly impress a ten year old boy.

well, my mom heard the commotion and made grandpa come to the kitchen and clean up while she called my dad (who happened to be at a medical conference a couple hours away). he determined it wasnt bad enough to justify a trip to the emergency room and he would stitch it up when he got home.

it took him longer to get home than expected and my grandparents had already gone to bed. they were planning on leaving at 6am to return to idaho. so my dad had to get up early to make sure he took a look at the finger.

my grandpa is not fond of doctors. in fact, he hates them. my dad always said that his profession was a form of teenage rebellion. i have heard a few explanations but im still not sure i know exactly why he hates them so much. so, my dad had a heck of a time trying to get grandpa to stop loading to car long enough for him to have a look. and when he did, he had an even harder time convincing him that he needed stitches. "oh, i'll be ok. just give me an ice pack."

i think my dad threatened to slash his tires.

so, my dad starts sewing up grandpa's finger and grandpa is fuming. then enters grandma.

"charlie, i think...i locked the car with the keys in the ignition..."

it is a good thing the kids were still asleep. my grandpa was a sailor in ww2.

grandpa runs outside, pulling the threaded needle out of my dad's hand. my dad follows him, trying to calm him down. and my grandmother was probably being comforted by my mother.

there it was. a brand new white four-door sedan. engine running like a dream with a full tank of gas. the doors had auto-locked. after a couple minutes of further hot-headedness, my dad convinces grandpa to let him at least finish sewing up the finger and then they will call a locksmith.

it takes a long time to find a locksmith at 6am sunday morning.

after calling up several locksmiths in the area, they finally get ahold of one. a very small asian man. according to my dad the locksmith walked around the car once, noticed that the door key was dangling from the key ring, climbed on top of the car armed with a blank key and scissors, peered through the windshield at the dangling key and cut out a copy, jumped down and opened the door.

in related news, i am sitting 20 feet away from a guy who made his own 'bump key.' believe me, you want to look this up. you are no longer safe in your home.

FOR CEREAL

2006-12-18T12:22:00.001-07:00

so as i stood in line at subway i overheard the server talking with the guy in front of me. their conversation went something like this: "so besides sofia, where did you serve?" "oh, ummm, plovdiv." at which point i said, "bulgaria?" and then they were all like "yah." and i was all "pshaw, no way!" then they were like "waaay!" "are you for cereal?" "we are totally for cereal."

or something like that.

it turns out that they both served in bulgaria (after i did, of course). the server even said he recognized me, which was kinda creepy.

the weird part is that i havent seen anyone else that served there for so long i had trouble remember the guys from my group. in fact, they remembered the guys from my group better than i did.

speaking of nostalgic crap, i have recently posted some stuff on youtube.com that i think my regular readers will appreciate. i have never posted anything on youtube or tried to embed anything from it on a blog before. so dont be surprised if your computer explodes or something.

some of you may remember a certain fhe video starring zack, matt, moydie and the shredder!

some of you may also remember a certain 'educational' video about living at the villa. this is one that every one can appreciate.

this is another fhe video. i dont like it quite as much as some of the others, but it is still pretty funny.

this one is my most recent and one of my favorites. it was a project i did for my orthopedics class. it is an informational video about the achilles tendon, brought to you by the international ninja federation. muahahahaha!

THE LITTLE PEOPLE

2006-12-15T10:17:00.000-07:00

i remember when i was a kid. no really, i do. some times we would even go outside and play. i know, amazing isnt it? you are probably wondering how we possibly found a break from the rain long enough to actually go outside and play (i grew up in seattle, by the way). well, we actually didnt care if it was raining. we had some great raining day activities. we would ride our bikes off plywood jumps and see who could make the biggest splash. we would collect worms by the handful and throw them at girls. would play badminton with slugs. we would jump off a ten foot cliff and see who could get the closest to the creek without actually landing in it. we would blaze trails through the brier patches and stinging nettle using sticks and machetes.

but my personal favorite was when i was 10 and my brother was 12 we would go out to the trampoline (very similar to the word "trampling" hmmm...) with dirty towels. we would jump around until the towels had absorbed plenty of rain water. then we would take the towels and try to whip them around the other person's feet and pull them out from under them. it was a hoot. that is, until i fell off the trampoline.

i remember when we would find a couple of sticks about 2-3 feet in length and start sword fighting with each other. but that would eventually get boring. so we would find a good sturdy tree and swing the sticks at it and see how many pieces we could break them into. then we would would find more sticks and see who could get their broken pieces to fly the farthest.

have you ever looked at an extremely skinny person and wanted to walk up to them and put your right hand on the side of their face and with your other hand slap them as hard as you can? ya know, just cuz you are curious?

have you ever looked at an extremely small person and wanted to grab them by their ankles, spin around a few times and let go? ya know, just to see how far they would go?

i dont really like it when people cut and paste song lyrics and call it a blog. this is usually because i rarely relate to the songs they quote. with that in mind, i present to you my favorite line from a song by they might be giants:

A man came up to me and said

"I'd like to change your mind

By hitting it with a rock," he said,

"Though I am not unkind."

We laughed at his little joke

And then I happily walked away

And hit my head on the wall of the jail

Where the two of us live today.

ILLUSIONY OPTI-WHAT-ICAL?

2006-12-06T11:41:00.001-07:00

i have seen dozens and dozens of optical illusions. most of them are really cool. but so far i have to say that julian beever is the best at it. he does 3d perspective illustrations ... on the sidewalk with chalk. enjoy!

this next one shows just how big these are. julian is the guy on the bottle cap.

ok, this one has a side view as well.

this one just gets bigger and bigger.

here is another one with an alternate view.

i like this one a lot. the perspective is actually upside down.

if you want more check out his homepage. http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/pave.htm

PURPLEY HAZING

2006-12-04T11:48:00.001-07:00

they say that everyone has a different experience in high school. sure, why not? every state and county and neighborhood has its own culture and sub-cultures. some areas have more whites than blacks and in some areas the opposite is true. this influences the culture of the school.

story: one of my friends just started an assistant coaching job at a local high school. she helps with the freshmen girls basketball team. at this high school there are very few blacks. in fact, there are very few black people in the state of utah.

the other night the team had a retreat of sorts and played halo for a while. somehow the subject came up that when my friend was in high school her team was mostly black girls (california). they were amazed. so much so that they started asking questions about them like "were they nice?'" and "were they all athletic?"

they dont mean to be ignorant. they have just never met a black person.

now, it is common for high school kids to find silly or weird ways of entertaining each other. there are a few ways of doing this. lets look at the local high school basketball team again. when riding to and from games they sing church songs and kids songs rather than listen to the radio. on my high school road trips we had people getting drunk, looking at porn and hazing freshmen.

oh, there is a great subject. hazing. let's see... high school girls: dress up like steve urkel (together). my high school experience was quite different.

ok, i was on the wrestling team. we had some very large card board tubes that we would use to roll up the mats. the longer ones were about 12 feet. one day the seniors (i was a freshman, i think) grabbed a really annoying sophomore in the middle of practice. they wrapped his arms and legs around the tube and tied them together on the other side using jump ropes. then they picked up the tube and carried it to the main gym where the girls basketball team was practicing. while he was dangling and pleading for his dignity, some one pantsed him. he was left on the sidelines of the court where the basketball coaches promptly came to his rescue. the weirdest part tho, was that no one was punished. sure the head basketball coach came in and yelled at us for a few minutes. but that was it.

we got away with all kinds of stuff. most of which i prolly shouldnt tell you. like the time a couple guys peed on a mop and started hitting freshmen with it in the locker room. or the time someone photo-shopped the principle's head over a very nude centerfold and put on a very high window in the middle of the school.

but my favorite prank related story was never to be.

my high school was extremely ... liberal. annoyingly so, actually. the most controversial thing my school ever did was to participate in the "national day of silence." it was such a big deal. it was so big that we actually made the news as the only school in the state of washington to do it. "what is it" you ask? well, it is a day when participants wear pink, upside-down triangles and do not speak for the entire day to symbolize being "in the closet" about your sexual orientation. sort of a "gay-pride" party, if you will.

the first year, many parents didnt allow their kids to go to school. they didnt feel it was an appropriate topic for teenagers. then, as the initial tension faded slightly, the pranksters came out to play.

most of the pranks were inappropriate. but since mine never actually happened, i can tell it.

one day during lunch i was sitting with some football buddies (i never played football, but since i was a wrestler and could whoop any one of them they tried to stay on my good side) and we were discussing our feelings about the next day of silence. so i told them my grand idea. they go to such-and-such street and steal the yield sign (the entire yield sign--post and all). then they flip the sign around, spray paint it pink and put the letters "no gay zone" on it. then on the eve of the day of silence they pull up to the school entrance with shovels and picks, make a hole, put the post inside and cement it with quick-dry cement and be out in 10 minutes flat.

it was fool proof. it was genius. even if they did it, i would get "credit" for the idea but not the accusation. if they didnt do it, well, then no harm done.

they were chased off by a night-watch cop.

OH MY CRAP

2006-11-29T15:03:00.001-07:00

for a long long time i have argued with people over the appropriateness of certain types of jokes. i wouldnt go so far as to say that nothing is sacred, but i do think that people can be silly or even hypocritical about the jokes they laugh at. or deliberately dont laugh at.

for years comedians have pushed the envelope (as they like to call it) and material is considered to be fresh if it might offend some one.

perhaps people are just too easily offended.

now, i dont swear or curse (usually) but i do see the irony in the fact that we have several synonyms for the word poop, but only certain ones are considered offensive. why? it doesnt make any sense to me. they all mean the exact same thing, dont they? are some synonyms somehow more suggestive? or perhaps they have a hidden meaning i dont know about. whatever it is, i think it is silly.

in the same light, how can come jokes be considered 'ok' while similar types of jokes are 'too soon' or 'border line?' why do we hold certain things or even people on a pedestal while others are fair game? why can only minorities refer to themselves as such? is it the term that is offensive or the people saying it? who gets to decide? comedy central? cnn? the public school system?

and why is it that cancer is never funny?

i think we take ourselves too seriously. who cares if some one doesnt like you? that shouldnt change you.

keeping all of that in mind, i heard the funniest radio commercial today. it started out like a beer commercial with the announcer addressing the listener as a male icon. he compliments the listener as the pinnacle of manliness and all things testosterone. saying things like "you are a man's man because you played football in high school and you own a tool belt. and you have a hammer. not just any hammer. a 'big enough to swing it and put a hole in something' size hammer."

after the flattery, the announcer calls you a wuss because you are scared of a prostate exam. "oh, im soo scared. does it hurt? i dont even know where my prostate is! (whimper and moan)."

then he tells you to buck up and take it like man.

see, cancer can be funny too.

I ALMOST DIIIIED, TOO

2006-11-21T14:07:00.001-07:00

in light of nama's recent near-death experience (http://namabanana.blogspot.com/2006/11/i-almost-diiiied.html) i posed the question to myself, "how many times have i almost died?" well, not that many times. but i do have some cool stories along those lines. enjoy.

i was two years old. it was sunday morning and we were supposed to be getting ready for church. but naturally my four year old brother (he seemed so much more mature) and i decided to play a game we liked to call 'zoo.' it was simple. one person gets on the couch and pretends to be various animals at the zoo, while the other person walks by the couch and pretends to be amazed. it was my brother's turn to be the animals and he decided to be a tiger. as you well know, tigers like to growl and roar. as you may also well know, two year old children are often startled by roaring tigers.

i was so terrified i ran straight for the hallway. but i missed the hallway (i blame short legs) and my forehead found its way to the corner of a book shelf. i still have the scar, which is partly due to the second part of the story. two weeks after the stitches were taken out we went to a family reunion in idaho. we were having lunch at a park and all the kids were playing on the swings and such. remember those swings that were just large metal horses? ya, they kick hard when you stand behind them.

picture if you will a concert by an award winning high school jazz ensemble. they are in the middle of their set and the crowd just loves it as the lead alto sax starts an emotional love ballad called "for you." the piece is quite complicated and challenges even the best musicians present. as the song reaches its climax, the soloist pours his heart out with the support of the trumpet section. the second seat trumpet plays a run to the peak of his range and holds the last note as long as he can as the lead trumpet plays a similar run to a higher note. then in a flurry of flying music, stands and trombonists, the second seat trumpet player passes out, falls straight forward--narrowly escaping landing on the trumpet which would have inevitably been forcefully shoved through his face.

i got up minutes later and finished the set.

one time i jumped out of a moving train (i thought it was moving slower than it really was...). when i finished skidding across the gravel and grass, my head was inches from a large cement block.

i flipped an atv once.

one time i was wrestling some one much larger than myself and he fell on my head. his knee landed right on my temple. when i came to, i couldnt stop shaking. i also couldnt talk or see straight. and yet, i didnt get a concussion. huh.

i flipped a canoe on class 4 rapids once. it was the first set of rapids on a two day white water canoeing trip. it was snow run off and the canoe got stuck in an up-turned tree. it took a while to get it out. i was cold for days.

i have been picked up by a wedgie. that is a true near-death experience.

ok, i was debating putting this one in. i was in bulgaria on a bus when a group of skin heads got on. they didnt take too kindly to me. after an exchange of words, they pulled a gun on me and had it pointed at my head for about 10-15 minutes. if you want more details you have to talk to me in person.

I AM BOREDMAN

2006-11-17T13:16:00.001-07:00

i have been trying to think of something interesting to say all day. there are lots of things i could say. like i am getting over a cold. or i could tell you that i am applying to graduate school soon. or that i started an internship recently. or that i spend most of my free time playing guitar hero 2. or i could describe how i am doing in my classes. i had a test today. it was hard. well, sort of. it was one of those "either you know it or you dont" tests. so for the questions i did know, it was easy.

i guess i just have to accept the fact that my life is becoming more and more boring.

i realized today that i have been in college for, what, four years now. and with the prospect of graduate school that means that i am just over the 'hump.'

i dont even do the things that make me an interesting person to begin with. like music, for instance. i used to play a variety of instruments. i was pretty good at the trumpet and piano, and i could hold my own on the sax and bass. but i havent touched my trumpet since about june. i did play the piano a couple months ago, but that was the first time in months.

and work, well, work has always been boring. but now that we have this new guy i do even less work! he is hyperactive. always busy and always talking and always doing stuff and always talking and so on and on and on.

sigh.

now i have to wonder how long i have been boring. and bored. i think it has been building up for about a year now. i have sperts of creativeness and zany activities. but you can read all about them in my previous posts. yup, everything that i do that is noteworthy, interesting, not boring or ordinary gets posted here.

if something exciting doesnt happen soon i may just errupt in an absolute, unbridled, massive, ragefull, 'look at me, im interesting,' flurry of activity. or i'll just reactivate my world of warcraft account.

TALES FROM THE RICH

2006-11-10T12:02:00.001-07:00

who says rich and famous people dont contribute to society? look at what they have given us: papparazzi photos, "punk'd" and funny stories for vh1 shows. ok, fine. they are weird, self-centered, quirky, and wasteful and self-centered and...you get the idea. we have all had some exposure with rich and/or famous people. and for some reason those experiences seem special to us. yet, if it were any other person you wouldnt have noticed.

case and point. i grew up in seattle. this is a big city and there are a fair number of famous people that live there. like bill nye "the science guy." when i was a young teen (and familiar with his shows via 8th grade science class) we lived across the street from a "scientific glass blower." he made specialty items like those cool bobble thermometers and stuff for scientists...like bill nye. yup, i remember climbing on the couch looking outside our living room window watching as bill nye "the science guy" got out of his black bronco and when inside the house. it was amazing. i was amazed. but if it was any other person i wouldnt have turned off the tv.

but that story is actually kinda boring. what about the wild and crazy stuff you read in "the national enquirer" and other equally reputable news journals? i want stuff like, "bill and ted's excellent gay marriage" or "giant alien bat eats ted bundy's younger brother." you know, the good stuff.

so i got to thinking about it and i dont have any good stories like that. well, not of actual famous people. just regular rich people. the rich people that try hard to make up for the fact that no body knows who they are when they drop 30 grand on a home theater system for their toy poodles named jay and silent bob.

so here are my best "look at me, im rich" stories.

today i saw a car with a license plate cover that said "life flight pilot: landing daily at a hospital near you." my first thought was "that is funny." my second thought was "that is horribly morbid." then i noticed that the car was a lexus and i thought "that figures."

a couple months ago we had some old mini fridges that we were trying to get rid of at work. lots of people bought them. most of them were newly weds or students. a couple were just plain poor. but one lady came in who appearantly knew one of my bosses (i have several. they remind me daily). she picked up two. it was a pain picking them out for her. she said that she was trying to find ones that didnt have as many dings on them. they were all equally "dinged." finally she makes up her mind and i put the fridges on a cart and take them out to her brand new lexus. yup. i know.

i had a similar experience when i worked at rc willy a few years ago. a man bought a really nice flat panel plasma tv (back when they were still new). it was pretty big, prolly about 52 inches. and he insisted that we fit it in his porche. we tried for a good 10 minutes or so (during peek hours) but there was no way that tv was gonna fit in a car that small. disappointed, the man hollars over to his friend to back up his truck... we were pissed.

now for my favorite story. this doesnt exactly fit the "look at me, im rich" category. but it is a great story. micheal coleman is a local painter/sculptor. i know him personally. he is very quiet and timid in most social situations. but he is also very good humored.

over the years he has become quite rich. really quite rich. he gets several thousand dollars per piece of art. he is that good. as is typical of rich people, he has hobbies. expensive hobbies.

he is a big game hunter. he has been on safari in africa about 10-12 times and has every kind of animal in his art studio. everything from bears to lions to hippos to field mice to beetles to crocs to a shrunken human head (he bought it, dont worry). think of it as a small scale cabellas. it is really impressive. unless you are a hippie. as a big game hunter he has dozens of very large guns.

since he is rich, he lives in a rich neighborhood. now, one might ask "what do rich neighbors do for fun?" or perhaps you might ask "what do rich neighbors feude over?"

airplanes.

one of mike's neighbors was in to model airplanes. not just any model airplanes. remember, this is the rich neighborhood. we are talking $20,000 replicas that fly. so this neighbor is enjoying the afternoon and flying his ridiculously expensive model plane over the neighborhood. mike hears the motor running and comes outside to investigate. did i mention he was carrying a shotgun?

mike also has a wide variety of ammunition. he happened to have handy a particular type of shotgun shell which has a delayed charge. this means that the slug will split into pellets after it has travelled a certain distance. this increases the shotguns accuracy while still allowing a spread shot.

well, when they found the plane they counted over 100 holes.

as a peace offering, mike later painted a landscape with WWII fighter planes dog fighting. he signed it "saddam coleman."

CRAZY GO HEALTH-NUTS UNIVERSITY

2006-11-03T12:29:00.001-07:00

there are several things that irritate me. pet peeves, i guess. one of my biggest pet peeves is health crazes. everyone and their dog has a special diet that works wonders for them. it usually includes some magical ingredient either to be taken hourly or to be avoided completely. they have found their holy grail of health.

sadly, when this happens there is usually some scientific basis for their theory. they just take it to the extreme.

take for example, the atkins diet. you want to know the magical ingredient in the atkins diet? it is a "carb." it is a sugar. it is glucose. you see, glucose requires a lot of water to be stored in the body. in fact, for every gram of glucose stored, 4 grams of water are required. sure you cant store that much glucose in the body. but if you restrict how much glucose you take in, then naturally you are going to require less water. less water means less weight. less weight means more healthy...

this is ridiculous. if you follow this diet for more that a month you will see the adverse effects of too little glucose and too little water in your system. it is a great "quick fix" for those red-carpet premieres. but after you lose the initial 5 pounds, go back to a healthy diet of fruits, vegetables and grains just like your first grade teacher taught you.

another pet peeve of mine is the organic craze. show me literature from any credible source (something that doesnt end in 'dot-com') that organic foods are more nutritious than regular foods. you cant. but you can say that organic foods dont have any preservatives. well, so what? unless your immune system is somehow sub-par and cant handle mild irritants that the rest of the population has no problem with, there is no functional difference.

wow, im on a roll, what else do i have? how about lactose intolerance. most cases of lactose intolerance are actually nothing more than a food allergy. you dont just all-of-a-sudden get it. you are born without the necessary enzyme (lactate) required to breakdown lactose. if you are an adult and you find that you can no longer consume milk without getting stomach cramps and pooping your pants, then you most likely have a food allergy.

yes, type 2 diabetes is reversible. eat right and lose some weight.

there is no magical cure for a common cold. even high doses of vitamin C does not cure or prevent a cold. it can only lessen the severity and possibly the duration.

yes, carb loading works. but only for long duration activities, and you have to follow the format to a "T."

yes, sodium bi-carbonate (baking soda) loading works. but only for short high-energy activities. and it will give you explosive diarrhea.

no, blood doping doesnt use drugs. yes, it works. and yes, it is illegal in professional competitions. and dont share blood or needles with others.

every energy drink has caffeine. this will dehydrate you, give you cramps, make you even more tired afterward, and so on.

for the average casual athlete there is no difference in sports drinks. if you are a professional athlete, use gatorade.

carbonation is not bad for you.

creatine works. but not like steroids. it will give you cramps because it draws water into the muscles. it doesnt make you stronger necessarily. it delays fatigue which allows you to work harder, and longer, thereby reaping benefits from doing extra work. steroids will actually help build muscle mass.

ok ok, time for wine. it is true that drinking moderate amounts of wine will lower your risk of heart disease and cardiovascular complications. and it is true that red wine will help with this effect more than other wines. there are two elements of wine that do this: antioxidants and resveratrol. antioxidants can be found in any citrus fruit. and resveratrol can be found in grapes, berries, peanuts and other fruits and legumes with a peel.

so there is nothing magical about wine, or the fermentation process. every good thing that wine offers can be found else where.

this is what the american heart association has to say about wine: "There is no justification for nondrinkers to start consuming wine as a preventive measure, considering that several other well-proven therapies exist for cardiovascular risk reduction, such as exercise, smoking cessation, blood pressure control, and cholesterol lowering, that do not have wine's undesirable effects."

so dont be stupid about health choices. eat smart, not extreme, and get out and exercise. do this and we can avoid another "half ton man" incident.

BLOGGER BREW

2006-10-31T13:44:00.002-07:00

halloween is here. so they tell me. i dont really get into it as much as other people do. one of my friends asked me what i was planning on doing for the big holiday. i said something like "eh, who knows." then she invited me to hang out with her and her roommates. they are going to a party and then bowling. sounds like fun. but i havent a thing to wear!

so we start listing off my possibilites. you see, they are going as fairy princesses (re-living the glory days or something i guess). so with that in mind, my costume may very well end up being a...zombie lumber jack fairy!

ok, so the zombie thing got vetoed, but the rest is still a possibility. should i be ashamed? im mean, a fairy! how the crap did i agree to that?

anyway, we'll see how it goes.

so last friday was the birthday of a girl i know. she had a fondue party and such. after watching "the count of monte cristo" we just hung out. people came and went. one girl who showed up just after the movie has one of the most amazing bodily ... malfunctions (?) i have ever seen.

the birthday girl tells me to make fake gagging noises. not seeing any good reason not to, i accomadate her request. after all, it was her birthday. then this other girl almost pukes on me. tada! she has the most hypersensitive gag reflex i have ever seen (and i have seen some pretty bad ones).

well, in a room filled mostly with guys you can imagine what happened next. 8 guys showing off the acting skills they picked up in their youth. 8 guys...making gagging noises at the same time! euphoria.

she ran out of the apartment screaming that we were all evil people (in between dry heaves, that is) and then had us "read between the lines."

well, about 15 minutes pass and she walks past the front room window and, you guessed it, we did it again through the window! pure hilarium.

just a side note: a month or so ago i entered an art contest for blizzard themed artwork. the results are in. i didnt win. this was my entry. follow the link to see the winners. you will notice that all of the winners had color in their entries...how predjudiced.

http://www.blizzard.com/inblizz/contests/artcontest2006/index.shtml

CRACKED PEPPER WITH YOUR FORTUNE COOKIE, SIR?

2006-10-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

lemme tell you about my lunch today. at about 11:45 i realize that i am hungry. quite hungry in fact. the kind of hungry that only certain fast food establishments can satisfy. so i ask a friend on AIM to choose between carl's jr and panda express. she chose panda express because "orange chicken is delicious."

she is right. orange chicken is pretty much the only reason to go to panda express. sure they have other stuff too, but not like orange chicken. so i go there and notice some new items on the menu: "mandarin beef" and "mandarin chicken." i figure i will get the mandarin beef and orange chicken with chow mein. i get my food and go back to work to eat it.

well, the beef was good. but the vegetables that came with it were something else. i dont have anything against vegetables, especially in chinese food. but these werent even normal veggies. it had stuff like mushrooms (i dont really like them. i think it is a combination of texture, taste, smell and anything else that they can do to my senses), green onion stalks (actually they werent that bad, but still not a normal veggie for chinese food), and various peppers (these were normal and good). so i scarf the veggies and beef down and save the orange chicken for last. sort of like dessert for eating my veggies.

and i forgot all about the mushrooms...

now for the actual reason i am writing this blog. everything i just said was filler. no real point. not even really interesting. i just have this thing about short blogs...

i was sitting at my desk talking to people around me while i finished my food and went for my fortune cookie. as i opened the plastic wrapper i said "come on million dollars" as a joke. then i opened the cookie and this is what it said, "you have the attitude of a winner." i just about wet myself.

The Insinkerator

THE WRITING ON THE CEILING

A PROPER GANDER

POLY-SIGH

MY STORY

IT FIGURES

BIG > small

"LIES, DAMNED LIES, AND STATISTICS"

BTW

"YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE. I GUARANTEE IT."

REFRACTED LIGHT

ITCHING FEELINGS

SOAP BOX

POST-IT

CD

MORE PICS

PARK CITY TV

DO BE DO BE DOO

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

MESH SHIRT OF INAPPROPRIATENESS

PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCE

BOOYA

A MATTER OF TIME

VIDEOS

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

FORGET-ME-KNOTS

IT'S THAT TIME... AGAIN

COMMERCIAL

DROOL

DEFLECTION

EM-TEE-SEE-TOE

ABOUT TIME

NO EXPLANATION NECESSARY

NOVELLA > NOVELETTE

ROUGH DRAFT

ORDER OF SIGNIFICANCE

WEEKEND UPDATE

WHY THE WORLD NEEDS SOUTHPARK

PAIN TRAIN

LET'S GET PISSED

TO THE WIND

MEAN STREAK

FER-DRIZZLE

TORN

MORNING, PERSON!

CAPTAIN INSENSITIVE

CLASSY

MIS-ADVENTURES IN WINTER TRAVELS

SAVAGE BEASTS

NEW QUERK

RETURN OF THE RAVING RABBID

THAT THING THAT'S GOING AROUND

SITE METER

PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCE

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

MONY MONY

ICEY DEAD PEOPLE

IT’S A MAD MAD (INSERT SYNONYM FOR MAD) MAD LIB

EXAMPLES

/WRIST

***NEW POST***

A PATHETIC

TWO THINGS

BOOK-O-SUPPLEMENTS

COCKED

HELL'S LITTLE ANGELS

RAVING RABBIDS

JOY RIDE

LONE BIKER OF THE APOCALYPSE

PARTNERS BLACKIE AND RED

NUBIE ZOOBIE

IDIOT BOX

TEACHER! I NEED GO POOPY!

THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT

GOOD OL' OSCAR

MISINFORMED

SUMPTHIN

HOOCHIE HOOCHIE HOOCHIE

BELATED CHRISTMAS

ARE WE NOT ALL RODENTS?

NEW POST